- Jan 3, 2001
- 41,920
- 2,161
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Something Awful vs. The Ultimate Warroir
- Thread starter Fritzo
- Start date
BlueWeasel
Lifer
- Jun 2, 2000
- 15,944
- 475
- 126
wow, what morons
i actually sold the ultimate warrior one of his own action figures when i worked at toys r us. you would think he wouldnt have to buy them in a store.
i actually sold the ultimate warrior one of his own action figures when i worked at toys r us. you would think he wouldnt have to buy them in a store.
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stupid content filter
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stupid content filter
LMAO. That was great. Everyone who thinks "Chris Lewis" is actually the Ultimate Warrior raise their hand...
BlueWeasel
Lifer
- Jun 2, 2000
- 15,944
- 475
- 126
I laughed so hard I had to go outside and take a breather. Wow. Read the other articles in his legal section, they're funny too!
cKGunslinger
Lifer
- Nov 29, 1999
- 16,408
- 57
- 91
Not formatting for readability though...
04.11.05: Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka - Legal Threat: "THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR and CHRIS LEWIS"
I thought I had seen it all. In my nearly eight years of using the Internet, I've been threatened by lawsuits from webmasters, psychotic game developers, heavy metal bands, adult men who wear diapers, and even more psychotic game developers. I had never, in my entire life, thought I would eventually receive a lawsuit from THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR. Well, not exactly the Ultimate Warrior, but his "Director of Communications," whatever that means. I guess that's the guy who picks up the phone when it rings and then turns it around the correct way so Mr. Ultimate Warrior is speaking into the correct end.
Zack "The Human Lawsuit" Parsons wrote up Mr. Warrior's homepage as an Awful Link of the Day last Friday, and to be quite honest, he really didn't say anything terribly harsh about the guy. Well, at least not compared to our normal Awful Links of the Day, where we all chip in and attempt to make the respective webmasters commit suicide in the shortest timespan possible. The Ultimate Warrior, a washed-up, has-been WWF superstar, has apparently taken a few too many blows to the skull with folding chairs because he's now an ultra-conservative blowhard, launching tirades against every single underhanded liberal conspiracy he can find inside the dark abyss of his mind. He recently spoke at the University of Connecticut, and was quoted as saying (among other gems), "queering don't make the world work" and, upon being asked a question by a student from the Middle East, advised him to "get a towel." Ha ha, get it? Because he's a beloved patriot! Oh those crazy Arabs, when will they ever learn?!? Zack's writeup of the Warrior's site described him as a "crazy racist," which I personally feel was letting the guy off quite easy.
Chris Lewis, The Ultimate Warrior's "Director of Communications," apparently didn't agree.
FROM: Chris Lewis cl9904@msn.com
TO: webmaster@somethingawful.com
CC: mrwarrior@earthlink.net
As Director of Communications for Ultimate Creations, Inc. - which owns all rights associated with the wrestling character Ultimate Warrior - part of my job is to address any violations of Ultimate Creations' intellectual property rights associated with the character. Consider this email as your fair notice that we consider your site to be in violation of those rights.
A current posting on your site refers to the Ultimate Warrior as a "racist" - a statement that is not true, and is clearly libelous.
Furthermore, Ultimate Creations, Inc. has never authorized you or anyone affiliated with your website to use the image or likeness of Ultimate Warrior.
If the offending portion of your post is not removed by 9 AM on Monday, April 11, 2005, we will be forced to take appropriate legal action to address the libel and unauthorized use of the Ultimate Warrior likeness. We also expect an apology for your outrageous accusations against Warrior.
Sincerely,
Chris Lewis
Director of Communications
Ultimate Creations, Inc.
Well how do ya likes that! It would appear that voicing your opinion on the Internet is now highly illegal, especially if it is negative and involves rambling neo-conservatives who used to tie bicycle streamers around their arms. That's strange, I always thought the conservatives were the guys who loved free speech and the Founding Fathers and the 10 Commandments and all that other crap which grants me the liberty to call people "fags" on the Internet without having to worry about the government breaking down my door and lobbing wheelbarrows full of tear gas into my extensive DDR dance pad stockpile. I obviously have no idea how the Internet, and most of America for that matter, operates! And yes, the Ultimate Warrior really has an Earthlink email address... an ULTIMATE Earthlink address.
FROM: Rich Kyanka lowtax@somethingawful.com
TO: cl9904@msn.com
Dear Chris Lewis, Director of Communications for Ultimate Creations, Inc.,
Since I assumed your client, Mr. Ultimate Warrior, fell off the face of the Earth sometime after his stunning career in the WWF, I had to do an Internet search and determine exact what your client, Senor Warrior, was up to these days. I naturally expected to read a lengthy series of news snippets with titles such as "FORMER WRESTLER SPEAKS OUT AGAINST TOOTH DECAY" or "PREVIOUS WWF SUPERSTAR CLAIMS VICTORY OVER HALITOSIS," but instead I discovered he is a very animated, lively conservative activist!
I read his article about something happening at the University of Connecticut, and believe your zealous pursuit of legal action goes against Dr. Warrior's own wishes. For example, he writes:
"It?s funny how you could find the words to distance yourselves from the truths I was unafraid to tell, but could not find any words - not one - to tell about the indecent, moronic, and uncivil acts of those who were present who literally threaten the sanity and lawfulness of this world. Every single word you wrote and each silent implication you made said nothing less than that you were unoffended and OK with your opponents' exercise of their First Amendment rights, but offended by mine simply because I put them down bluntly and without political correctness."
This exactly describes what is occurring here. People are using their First Amendment rights "to tell about the indecent, moronic, and uncivil acts of those who were present." Your issue here arises because your label of who the uncivil folks were differs from theirs. You are attempting to squash their First Amendment rights under the guise of yet another liberal lawsuit, claiming "oh free speech is a-okay just as long as it doesn't offend me personally!"
So which side is your spokesperson for? Free speech or censorship? You guys sound an awful lot like a liberal operation to me, whining and threatening lawsuits when your precious "free speech" offends you. You guys, of all people, should be able to realize that.
If King Warrior would like a free forums account to defend himself against the opinions of others, tell me to email me with what details he'd like and I'll give him one. But hell, I'm not going to remove anything or apologize for folks using their god-given right to express their own opinions, and you can set whatever deadline on whatever date you like, but you're not going to scare me with your whiny liberal tactics.
- Rich
As you can tell, I assumed the easiest way to irk these people would be by comparing them to their arch-rivals, the dreaded LIBERALS. I thought my email came off pretty friendly and nice, as I even offered Mr. Warrior of the Ultimate Variety a FREE FORUMS ACCOUNT (up to a $29.95 value!). I thought that would be just completely awesome. Imagine, the Ultimate Warrior on the Something Awful forums, suplexing nerds all over the joint and generally just tearing ass all over the Internet.
Alas, it was not meant to be, as the dreaded Chris Lewis, Director of Communicating to Communicators, decided to get a little nasty!
FROM: Chris Lewis cl9904@msn.com
TO: webmaster@somethingawful.com
CC: mrwarrior@earthlink.net
Dear Mr. Kyanka,
It's sad to see that your judgment is as poor as the quality of your site.
You see, it is our position that you are taking the liberal position - claiming First Amendment protection for something that clearly goes beyond the scope of protected speech as envisioned by the Founding Fathers. The First Amendment should not and cannot be construed to defend violation of others' intellectual property rights or to libel them (which is the case here) or to offend others' sense of morality (which is the case with pornography, etc.). Your attack is so malicious and baseless that it is wholly without merit. Even when these violations come from someone as relatively inconsequential and unsuccessful as yourself, they must be addressed properly.
I am not going to debate conservativism versus liberalism with you. I have put you on notice that you are libelling my client, and you have responded in a fashion that is evidence that you have received that notice and do not intend to comply with our simple requests. I was, however, somewhat amused by your offer of a forum to Warrior - like if he's going to make a public statement, it would be to you? Right.
You've expressed your thoughts clearly. Just remember now - we gave you a fair chance to resolve this amicably.
Sincerely,
Chris Lewis
Director of Communications
Ultimate Creations, Inc.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, was when Mr. Chris' unbridled rage began manifesting itself like that fruity pink slime from "Ghostbusters 2." I assumed there was nothing I could do to stop the avalanche of legal death about to descend upon me, so I decided to roll with the punches. How could I possibly argue with somebody such as Chris Lewis, who was able to channel the ghosts of the Founding Fathers through his First Amendment obsessed brain?
FROM: Rich Kyanka lowtax@somethingawful.com
TO: cl9904@msn.com
Dear Mr. Director of Communications,
I look forward to your exciting lawsuit! I simply cannot wait to read the next exciting, action-filled update by Mr. Warrior detailing how the Internet is a vast liberal plot to destroy humanity and make the entire Earth blow up like a gigantic cake crammed full of homosexuals and foreigners. Both of you remind me how all political extremities, both far left and far right, embrace the exact same rhetoric. God bless America, the land of the lawsuit and the home of the offended. May you and your bicycle streamer-wearing boss both enjoy a successful libel / slander / intellectual copyright / insane washed up "pro" wrestler lawsuit against me. I have but one request: can "Mean" Gene Okerlund be present in the court when your boss testifies against me?
Sincerely,
Richard Kyanka
Director of Communications and Busting Folding Chairs Over Suckers' Heads
Something Awful Creations, Inc.
At this point, you should probably get ready for the insanity. Strap yourself into your chair. Wedge in a mouth guard. Cancel any appointments you may have for the next decade because Chris Lewis, spokesperson for THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR, is here to get creepy wacko on your collective stank asses!
FROM: Chris Lewis cl9904@msn.com
TO: webmaster@somethingawful.com
CC: mrwarrior@earthlink.net
Richard,
I'm pretty sure that after reading this, you're going to realize that you're only getting yourself deeper in trouble. I've already tracked down quite a bit of information about you.
For example, your address:
PO Box 997
Lees Summit, MO 64063
Did you know that for only $1 someone can go to the post office, fill out a simple form, and find out the street address of the individual who rented the box?
I also know that your wife's name is Megan, and that you two were married on February 13, 2005. I've also tracked down a street address and telephone number for "another" Richard Kyanka. I actually called this telephone number. This was either you or your father. A terrible shame that you don't have the balls to claim your own name, little man. Speaking of little man, I've also managed to track down a couple of pictures of you, which I've attached to this email. You should really spend less time typing away at your computer and a little more time in the gym. Those arms of yours look like spaghetti. And those rosy-red cheeks of yours are quite manly, as well. Bottom line - if you're going to talk tough, you need to be prepared to back that up. To use the old (but in this case, appropriate) cliche, you're letting your mouth write checks that your body can't possibly cash.
Listen - this isn't going to turn out the way you want it to, Richard. Given that you attended Vanderbilt University, you're ostensibly a smart fellow. By now, I'm sure that you're aware of the fact that you're in the wrong by permitting outright libel against Warrior on your website. I'm also sure that you realize that you've only made matters worse for yourself by passing along my email address to your minions so they can harass or threaten me. How cowardly of you to bring in others when you simply lack the fortitude to stand up for yourself! At this point, I've already tracked down two of the emails from your fans - one from Truman State University and one from Sonoma State University. I've had long talks with the IT supervisors at each school. The young men that YOU brought into what could have otherwise been a simple and civil disagreement are now facing disciplinary actions - including suspension from their respective universities - because they were foolish enough to bite on your plea to have your little followers harass or threaten me. I'm sure you're going to swear up and down that you had nothing to do with this escalation. Yet, this is one situation in which you're not going to be able to escape responsibility for your actions.
Your ego has gotten the better of you, Richard. I see by reading a bit of your site that you've been threatened before. However, you're in the big leagues now. This is serious business. Warrior fought a five-year legal battle with Titan Sports to secure ownership of his character - and he prevailed. You're little more than a fly to be swatted to Warrior and myself. And Richard, when we swat a fly - we swat the hell out of it.
Sincerely,
Chris Lewis
As you can plainly see, we've progressed from "lawsuit threats" to "stalking families and calling people ugly." Now I'm no lawyer, but I'm not too sure that's how the legal system normally operates. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say "maybe." So Chris Lewis, Director of Directing the ULTIMATE WARRIOR, is now talking about my wife, parents, rosy-red cheeks, beating me up, and something about flies and fly swatters. And serious business. All that.
Might I also add that Chris Lewis, Directing Director of Directions, actually called my father on the phone? Indeed this Internet is serious business! The Ultimate Warrior is now making house calls, spreading his ultra-conservative reign of terror to people who have absolutely no idea who he is or what he's talking about! Maybe next he can call my fifth-grade math teacher and let her know how "rosy-red" my cheeks are. I'd be ruined!
FROM: Rich Kyanka lowtax@somethingawful.com
TO: cl9904@msn.com
Dear Chris Lewis, Director of Internet Detective Skills,
I have noticed your awesome legal strategy has shifted from "threatening to sue for fictional claims" to "insulting my physique and commenting upon my rosy-red cheeks." This is a very clever move on your part, as many legal issues have been resolved this way. Did you know that's how the FBI captured Al Capone? It's true; they sent him a letter talking about his "rosy-red cheeks" and then berated his arm size! Capone had no choice but to storm into FBI offices, at which point he was captured and thrown into jail. I don't remember what for, I think he molested kids with the Pope or something.
Regardless, I am now aware of what a legal detective dynamo I am up against. You are not only able to call my relatives (using the phone, which I assume, you dialed by yourself), but you additionally copy and paste information that I write about on my public website! I shall forever remember this day as the day I messed with the wrong person (Chris Lewis), or "TDIMWTWP(CL)" for short. I like acronyms. And ponies. If you'd like more top secret public information about me, feel free to use this:
* I have brown hair
* My car is black
* I have two dogs
* I like to drink soda
* I have this bad gas problem where I fart uncontrollably in the mornings after I wake up and then, to cover my tracks, I kind of give this disappointed look at my dogs, just in case somebody walks by and smells my gas
In summary, I am excitedly dreading the sheer amount of swatting you and your Warrior of the Ultimate variety plan on inflicting to me. I know I am nothing but a fly with skinny arms and "rosy-red cheeks" to you, a worthless parasite to be thrown into the turnbuckles and body slammed with extreme prejudice, but I, dear sir, am just a silly fly who writes checks that his body can't possibly cash. I am a check-writing fly.
With "rosy-red cheeks."
Sincerely,
Richard Kyanka
Director of Directing Directors
Director Creations, Direction Inc.
I hope this information does not lead too many of you to track down the eye color of my dogs and what meal my sister ate for breakfast or some other crucial factoid wad that could completely destroy me. WORDS ON THE INTERNET ARE THE ONLY THINGS I HAVE LEFT IN MY VACUOUS, LONELY LIFE!
Shortly after sending that email, I realized I needed clarification on his previous lawsuit threat, so I followed up with this:
FROM: Rich Kyanka lowtax@somethingawful.com
TO: cl9904@msn.com
Dear Director of Communications Ultimate Creations, Inc.,
I just realized you never informed me which time zone you're in, so I have absolutely no idea if your "9 AM Monday April 11, 2005" deadline is based on central standard time or pacific or mountain or what. Could you please let me know what time zone you're in so I can adjust my schedule accordingly? I'd hate to be at the doctor's office or something when the deadline comes up. I plan to be seated firmly in my legal lawyerin' chair (LLC) so as to save my ass when you attempt to blow it off with your awesome lawsuit.
Also, from now on, I shall refer to you as "Peaches."
Sincerely,
Richard Kyanka
Director of Directions
The ULTIMATE Something Awful ULTIMATE ULTIMATION CREATION, ULTIMATE INC.
Sounds reasonable to me.
FROM: Chris Lewis cl9904@msn.com
TO: webmaster@somethingawful.com
CC: mrwarrior@earthlink.net
Richard,
I would very much like to speak with you via telephone about this. I have about two dozen irons in the fire right now for Warrior, and simply don't have time to piddle with you further.
What I'm saying to you right now is man-to-man. There is no tone in this - there are no threats in this. This is one man speaking to another:
What kind of coward lets his father take the heat that he generates for himself in the way that you're doing now? You permit your DAD to take phone calls from total strangers because you lack the backbone to stand up and accept responsibility for your actions and words. What is that about? What's more - what's with your dad claiming he doesn't know any other Richard Kyankas? Your old man must be proud to deny all knowledge of you...
I have no more patience for this. We can either come to an agreement or not. Your father told me that you have attorneys who deal with this sort of thing for you. My advice to you is to either grow up and tell me how I can make direct contact with you, or send me the name and telephone number of these attorneys.
Sincerely,
Chris Lewis
This is pretty much The Ultimate Warrior's version of an Ultimate Defeat. "Well, uh, we just suddenly realized we're all really busy here at Ultimate Warrior Headquarters, we got like a lot of stuff to do and a lot of folks to sue and we got irons in the fire and flies to swat with rosy-red cheeks so you're clearly not worth our time, despite what we said before. Repeatedly. In a threatening fashion. For serious." Poor Chris Lewis harbors some sort of rage at me because the only phone number he can find is that of my fathers, and every time he calls my father, who I haven't lived with in about 10 years, he fails to reach me. My dad actually called me last night to say "some crazy guy phoned the house here. He called me a 'candy ass' and then hung up." I replied to him, "oh yeah, that's this guy representing the Ultimate Warrior. He pretty much has an airtight legal case against us, which is why he's spending his Sunday night calling you, my father." My dad doesn't understand the Internet as well as I do.
So where will it all go from here? Will I receive more insane threats from Chris Lewis, representing former WWF superstar The Ultimate Warrior? Will he eventually remember to take his medication and drop the whole bogus lawsuit threat deal? Or will Mr. Warrior track me down and throw me into a folding table while patriotic music blares in the background and a homosexual somewhere contracts the AIDS virus? Stay tuned!
And no Chris, I'm not giving you my phone number; I make a concerted effort to not speak with anybody crazier than myself. Sorry.
- Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka
absolutely fantastic...
cracking up at work here....not good given i work on a phone...hehe
kept putting ppl on hold to read more.....lol
free speech, something we dont have in the UK, unless you are an illegal immigrant quoting the path of violent muslim ways.......then you can preach all you like for some reason.....
(just to stop any silly responses, i dont have a problem with any religion, i dont believe in a religion myself.......im talking about the mad clerk Abu Hamza and his preachings against christianity and western life in North Finchley, London........if a christian vicar did that against other religions he'd be locked up straight away, but Hamza cant be touched for fear of sparking a terrorist attack......lol...thats a joke, Muslim terrorists wouldnt hit london, too many of them over here, too much money to be had from our government..heh)
cracking up at work here....not good given i work on a phone...hehe
kept putting ppl on hold to read more.....lol
free speech, something we dont have in the UK, unless you are an illegal immigrant quoting the path of violent muslim ways.......then you can preach all you like for some reason.....
(just to stop any silly responses, i dont have a problem with any religion, i dont believe in a religion myself.......im talking about the mad clerk Abu Hamza and his preachings against christianity and western life in North Finchley, London........if a christian vicar did that against other religions he'd be locked up straight away, but Hamza cant be touched for fear of sparking a terrorist attack......lol...thats a joke, Muslim terrorists wouldnt hit london, too many of them over here, too much money to be had from our government..heh)
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