Some (shamelessly) Stolen Jokes

[NutBucket]

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told,
he is not too experienced either.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her
husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.

What chou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and hoping to
impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) !
for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure,

"I want to try somethin I have heard about... numbaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he queries...
























"You want... Chicken wiff broccori?"

 

[imported_LoKe]

The misspellings to account for accent kind of ruined it.

 

[neegotiator]

:roll:

 

[HN]

1 != some

 

[BoomerD]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
> installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
> withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
> facility
> are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
> accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures
> have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your
> gender."
>
> MALE PROCEDURE:
> 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
> 2. Put down your car window.
> 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
> 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
> 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
> 6. Put window up.
> 7. Drive off.
>
> FEMALE PROCEDURE:
> 1. Drive up to cash machine.
> 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
> machine.
> 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
> 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
> 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
> 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
> 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
> distance from the car.
> 8. Insert card.
> 9. Re-insert card the right way.
> 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
> back page.
> 11. Enter PIN.
> 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
> 13. Enter amount of cash required.
> 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
> 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
> 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
> 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
> checkbook.
> 18. Re-check makeup.
> 19. Drive forward 2 feet.
> 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
> 21. Retrieve card.
> 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
> provided.
> 23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting
> behind you.
> 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
> 25. Redial person on cell phone.
> 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
> 27. Release Parking Brake.

 

[BoomerD]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you $1000 if you let me have sex with you....but the girl said NO. Johnny said "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...... She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and then getting screwed!

 

[kyzen]

First one sucked. Boomer should keep them coming though

 

[oogabooga]

Originally posted by: kyzen
First one sucked. Boomer should keep them coming though

:thumbsup:

 

[JohnCU]

sorry, im not PC, 10/10.

 

[NutBucket]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's
going, he replies..."I'm coming, too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

 

[BoomerD]

A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump!"

 

[altonb1]

1st was weak, but the rest were not bad.

 

[JohnCU]

you guys are just scared to laugh at the first one for fear of being labeled a racist. fvcking PC world.

 

[BoomerD]

A man walks into a bar and notices a makeshift corral at the back containing a large honery looking donkey. He's curious but says nothing. As he's sitting at the bar drinking his beer he sees a five gallon jar stuffed full of money beside the register. Now this gets him very curious. He asks the bartender what the deal is with the jar of money. The bartender explains that the jar of money goes to the first person who can make Bruce, his Jackass, laugh. The man sits and has another beer, all the while staring at the jar of money. Finally after several more he gets his courage up and tells the bartender that he can make Bruce laugh. The bartender grins and says that jars been there for three years now, ain't nobody been able to make Bruce laugh yet but go ahead and try!

The man walks to the back of the bar, climbs into the corral with Bruce, grabs him by the ear and whispers something into it. Bruces eyes get big, he looks the man up and down, and then he laughs! And keeps on laughing, hysterically! The bartender isnt happy about losing all that money so the man takes his prize and leaves quickly.

Three years later the same man goes back into the same bar and there in the back is Bruce.... still laughing! He sees yet another large jar stuffed full of money and asks the bartender what that jar is for. The bartender tells him that the new jar of money is for anyone who can make Bruce STOP laughing. He's driving everyone insane, all he does is laugh and laugh. So the man says, I can make him stop laughing! The bartender looks skeptical and points out that it's been three years and nobodys done it yet. The man says thats not a problem and walks to the back of the bar, climbs into the corral, grabs Bruce by the ear and whispers in it. Bruces starts laughing even harder. Suddenly he stops, his eyes get big and the bar gets eerily quiet for just a few seconds before Bruce bursts into tears. The man goes back to the bar to collect his prize but the bartender tells him he can't have it until he tells him just exactly what he said to Bruce to make him laugh and cry!

The man says well it was pretty easy really. First to get him to laugh I told him my penis was bigger than his! The bartender says thats amazing, it worked! But how did you get him to cry??? The man says that was even easier, I proved it!!

 

[BoomerD]

What Makes Life 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented

as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far .........

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

will take you.

 

[kyzen]

Originally posted by: JohnCU
you guys are just scared to laugh at the first one for fear of being labeled a racist. fvcking PC world.

No, it was just downright dumb.

Besides, how many chinese places do you know with menus that have numbers through 69?

 

[JohnCU]

Originally posted by: kyzen

Originally posted by: JohnCU
you guys are just scared to laugh at the first one for fear of being labeled a racist. fvcking PC world.

No, it was just downright dumb.

Besides, how many chinese places do you know with menus that have numbers through 69?

i know two right now.

 

[BoomerD]

A honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration
as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still
in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a
very serious police officer.


The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license
plate holder, the What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to
Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem
on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

 

[DanTMWTMP]

Just to let you know, he's allowed to say the joke because, well, I think OP's chinese as well, hehe.

 

[OdiN]

Originally posted by: JohnCU
you guys are just scared to laugh at the first one for fear of being labeled a racist. fvcking PC world.

No...the first one is just plain stupid.

If they are both chinese also...they would be speaking to each other in chinese, so there is no reason to ****** up the english in the joke to make it sound like someone with an accent like that.