Some Jokes....

[platinumike]

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[cavemanmoron]

Originally posted by: platinumike
A Mexican is strolling down the street and kicks a bottle lying in the gutter. Suddenly out pops a genie. The Mexican is stunned and the genie says, "I will grant you one wish." The Mexican begins thinking, and finally he says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want. Make me pee tequila." Genie then grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home he grabs a glass and wees in it. He takes a taste and it?s the best tequila he?s ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife, "Consuela, Consuela, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Mexican fills another glass. Consuela is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she?s ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night he goes home from work and tells his wife to get out two glasses. He proceeds to fill them and the result is the same, and the couple drink until the sun comes up. It?s Friday and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuela, grab one glass and we will drink tequila." She grabs it and the Mexican begins to fill the glass but his wife asks him, "Pancho, why do we need only one glass?" He raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my little chiquita, you drink from the bottle.

😉

 

[icejunkie]

Originally posted by: platinumike
this one is my fav:

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

:thumbsup:

 

[SKORPI0]

Joke - probably posted before..... 😉

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having
trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the
first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and
I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the
teacher explained to the principal what the
situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy
a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and
behave.

She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I
think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him
some questions?" The principal and Harry both
agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that
I have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have
but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a
T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin
whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes
out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman
do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before
he could stop the answer.

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of
questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie
me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me
when you're bored. The best man always has me
first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not
well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip
penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends
in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told
the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got
the last ten questions wrong myself."

 

[BullyCanadian]

some are old but funnny

 

[bigrash]

those are good platinumike

 

[Mallow]

I like, especially the shopping one, but I've heard them all before 🙂

 

[Bacardi151]

old..jokes...read them in maxim/fhm