Apologies to the Court Jester...
THE CATHOLIC DOG:
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
DONATION:
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
CONFESSION:
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sexual relations with each of them all night."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
BROTHEL TRIP:
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
SENILITY:
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
PEST CONTROL:
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."
ONESTONE:
This is the story of Onestone the Indian Brave. This was his Indian
name
given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of
this
torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I
will kill
them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a
young
girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone." He
jumped up,
grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he ravished her
all day,
he ravished her all night, he ravished her all the next day, until Blue
Bird
died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after
many years away. Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed
when she
saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Onestone
grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he ravished her all
day,
ravished her all night, ravished her all the next day, ravished her all
the next
night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone.
THE CATHOLIC DOG:
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
DONATION:
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".
CONFESSION:
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sexual relations with each of them all night."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."
BROTHEL TRIP:
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
SENILITY:
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you forget to zip down."
PEST CONTROL:
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."
ONESTONE:
This is the story of Onestone the Indian Brave. This was his Indian
name
given to him because he had only one testicle. After years and years of
this
torment Onestone cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I
will kill
them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a
young
girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning Onestone." He
jumped up,
grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. There he ravished her
all day,
he ravished her all night, he ravished her all the next day, until Blue
Bird
died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant business.
Years went by until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village
after
many years away. Yellow Bird who was Blue Bird's cousin was overjoyed
when she
saw Onestone and hugged him and said, "Good to see you Onestone."
Onestone
grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he ravished her all
day,
ravished her all night, ravished her all the next day, ravished her all
the next
night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
What is the moral of the story?
You can't kill two birds with one stone.
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