OLDIE BUT STILL GOODIE
=: Precision Dialect :=
Words that women use...
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about
but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game
is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes"
and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare.
One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care."
You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine"
and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand.
She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "
That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying
you retribution for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine"
and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow.
"Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned,
you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.
You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way,
and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Splittin Up
===========
Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him.
"I'm sorry Chuck, but you just don't have a good sense of humor,"
Laura said one day, "You're dry, boring and you never seem to say anything funny."
Chuck who didn't feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled and said,
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Laura. I'm sure you'll make some guy very happy
some day," she smiled and blushed a little,
"then, he'll zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser,
and forget to close the door on his way out."
A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says,
"Look ... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable"
Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
Q. What do you call two Irish gays?
A. Michael "Fits" Patrick and Patrick "Fits" Michael.
"Your proctologist called . They just found your head!"
A man and a woman are in a supermarket. They are standing in front of the water aisle.
The man wonders aloud,
"Who would buy all this expensive Evian water anyway?"
The woman says, "Evian... It's naive spelled backwards."
Secret Gov't Project Revealed...
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded
a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years,
whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks
in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S**t!"
Only the state of Alabama was different,
where 96.4 percent of the final words were -
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Bumper Stickers for Women
=========================
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
Classified ads:
===============
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT. BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by
and asked what you were doing.
You said you were moving!
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes "oink!"
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a
beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up
his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I bought you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed,
and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology,
and I'm studying how people
respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200?!?!"
Cheers
=: Precision Dialect :=
Words that women use...
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about
but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks.
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game
is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes"
and end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare.
One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care."
You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine"
and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men.
A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement.
"Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand.
She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "
That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying
you retribution for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine"
and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow.
"Go Ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned,
you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done.
You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way,
and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Splittin Up
===========
Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him.
"I'm sorry Chuck, but you just don't have a good sense of humor,"
Laura said one day, "You're dry, boring and you never seem to say anything funny."
Chuck who didn't feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled and said,
"I'm sorry you feel that way, Laura. I'm sure you'll make some guy very happy
some day," she smiled and blushed a little,
"then, he'll zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser,
and forget to close the door on his way out."
A woman who is tired of having a guy hit on her says,
"Look ... I'm sorry, but I'm just not your type. I'm not inflatable"
Whats dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
Whats dumber than that? reading them.
Whats even dumber? Reading them and learning something.
Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.
Q. What do you call two Irish gays?
A. Michael "Fits" Patrick and Patrick "Fits" Michael.
"Your proctologist called . They just found your head!"
A man and a woman are in a supermarket. They are standing in front of the water aisle.
The man wonders aloud,
"Who would buy all this expensive Evian water anyway?"
The woman says, "Evian... It's naive spelled backwards."
Secret Gov't Project Revealed...
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded
a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past five years,
whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks
in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of
drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, S**t!"
Only the state of Alabama was different,
where 96.4 percent of the final words were -
"Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Bumper Stickers for Women
=========================
SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN.
WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE.
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
Classified ads:
===============
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
-------------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT. BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.
-----------------------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
-------------------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
-----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
-------------------------------------
HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by
and asked what you were doing.
You said you were moving!
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You think the Bud Bowl is real.
Your dog goes "oink!"
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You know how to milk a goat.
Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache.
Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom.
You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside.
Turning on your lights involves pulling a string.
You have a refrigerator just for beer.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Somebody go jiggle the handle."
You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
A very shy guy goes into a pub on Valentine's Day night and sees a
beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up
his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I bought you a drink?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the pub is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed,
and he slinks back to his table totally red faced.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm really sorry if I embarrassed you just then.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology,
and I'm studying how people
respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200?!?!"
Cheers
Facebook
Twitter
Instagram