Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways
747, call sign Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
---------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
---------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
---------------------------
While taxiing at Los Angeles, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right on
to
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know
it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move til I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how
I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing
of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit at L.A. was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able... If not able, take the Guadaloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flight attendant "would you like a drink with your meal madam?"
female Pax-"yes dear I'll have a peach schnapps"
f/a- " im sorry madam we dont carry peach schnapps"
female pax- " What do you mean you don't carry peach schnapps,
we just left Austria!!!!"
f/a - " Well we left Luton this morning but we dont sell Vauxhall cars
either!"
bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot.
They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
get there without any assistance from them.
So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways
747, call sign Speedbird 206":
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not
been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."
---------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."
---------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."
---------------------------
While taxiing at Los Angeles, the crew of a US Air flight departing for
Ft.Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right on
to
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know
it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move til I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how
I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing
of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit at L.A. was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of the runway, if you are able... If not able, take the Guadaloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flight attendant "would you like a drink with your meal madam?"
female Pax-"yes dear I'll have a peach schnapps"
f/a- " im sorry madam we dont carry peach schnapps"
female pax- " What do you mean you don't carry peach schnapps,
we just left Austria!!!!"
f/a - " Well we left Luton this morning but we dont sell Vauxhall cars
either!"
