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Some Advice Needed

T

TinTing

Junior Member
Sorry for posting this from a smurf account but I did not want to use the real account for this. Need your advice on the following issue regarding me that has been concerning me for a while.

So I found out that I was adopted (overheard talks when parents thought I was away). It so happens that my parents and biological parents are relatives (like brother & sister).

until now, no one has told me about the whole situation (i am over 20 but under 30, single, not married, graduated, almost settled). I just found/figured it of my own and now that I recall things from the past, it seems like everyone (the entire family including parent's cousins, my older cousins etc) hid the fact from me and whenever something almost slipped from someone's mouth, it was immediately talked off (Did not realize it back but realized now when I recall the past). So no one even knows that I know about the reality and I have been hiding this inside me for few years now and never talked about this with anyone.

I am the only child of my parents (parents that adopted me) and they love me to death and exactly the same feelings from my side too. Occasional quarrels but that happens with everyone, right ?

Now, Heres the question:
Should I tell them that I know the reality ?
Also, whenever I get married, should I tell my SO about the reality ?

Advice/opinions needed (and please keep this serious). My biological parents have 2 children (other than me) and both are married now and happily settled (and I don't think that they know about the reality also)




 
Yes, talk about it with your parents. Nothing's really changed - except the secrecy is over.

You'll probably find that they're relieved that it's out in the open.
 
Yes I think you should talk to them about it because its always better to have things like this out in the open ... although I think you know this, I do feel obligated to remind you that your parents love you and regardless of the fact that you are adopted they are the ones who raised you & made you the good person you seem to be today.

You should also make a point of telling anyone you plan on sharing your life with the truth too... if anything this is the more important of the two.
 
Tell your SO, I don't see a reason not to. I've been told much deeper secrets than that and it never affected anything.
 
I don't have the courage to discuss the topic with the parents (at least not now). I don't even know how to bring it up. The fact that the biological parents are immediate relatives makes it even more harder.

What I fail to understand is why there has to be a reason why this was hidden from me (and still is) by everyone in the family. And now that I recall, when it almost slipped from my uncle (I was there in family talks), he was interrupted in between by my aunt and topic was immediately changed.

Yes, I do feel that whenever I plan to get married, I should tell my SO about it before we even get engaged and let her think about it. But before telling her, I will have to discuss the topic with my parents (and biological parents) and I just cant seem to bring it up.
 
Originally posted by: chrisms
Tell your SO, I don't see a reason not to. I've been told much deeper secrets than that and it never affected anything.
Click to expand...

I dont have a SO yet. I am single and no GF and not dating anyone right now. Getting settled in life right now and don't plan to get married for at least couple of years but this topic has been bugging me for the past few years.

I am not going to tell this to my GF or anyone...will only tell to the one with whom I will get married (but will surely tell her before we get engaged as I believe she will have a right to know)
 
Originally posted by: TinTing
I don't have the courage to discuss the topic with the parents (at least not now). I don't even know how to bring it up. The fact that the biological parents are immediate relatives makes it even more harder.

What I fail to understand is why there has to be a reason why this was hidden from me (and still is) by everyone in the family. And now that I recall, when it almost slipped from my uncle (I was there in family talks), he was interrupted in between by my aunt and topic was immediately changed.
Click to expand...

Try to imagine how your life would be different if you'd always known you were adopted, but maybe didn't know who your bio parents were. The wondering, the curiosity, the need for a connection to someone you don't know. Your adoptive parents almost surely wanted to spare you that - and they did, didn't they?

But you won't know until you talk to them about it. So you can keep wondering, until you screw up the courage to tell them you know. Once you've taken that big step, you'll be able to ask.
 
I know that I will have to come up and discuss it with the parents sooner or later....What I cant seem to decide is to discuss with whom first...

Just talk with adoptive parents first ? Or talk with biological parents first ? Or talk with my cousin (i mean real brother ... other child of my biological parents who is really close to me) ? Or bring it up next time we are all together ...

I also don't want any problems in the family life of my biological parents and their children (I mean they are married and well settled and don't know how their spouses/in-laws will take this).

Part of me says to just keep quiet and think that I never came to know about it and let the time sort it out. But now that I know about it, I cant justify my would-be not to know about it before we get married (whenever that happens)...not telling her would be like almost cheating on her, right ?

I wish I never came to know about this.....life becomes harder the older you grow.
 
You should talk to your adoptive parents first. They raised you and loved you and provided for you, and they should be your first concern.

Don't worry about your future wife right now - you have plenty to deal with, without worrying about something that far distant. Deal with what's in front of you first, then you'll be free to move on.
 
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