So what would you do?

[djs1w]

Somewhat long, bear with me. My girlfriend of 11 months has a little girl who's almost 3 years old. She got pregnant in college and as bad as this sounds, the father was between one of two guys.

After she had the baby, she had an RNA test with the guy who she felt was the father and it came back ~96% he was the dad, so she never worried about guy #2.

Well, this is where it gets tricky. 2.5 years later, the dad's parents wanted to start a trust fund for the little girl, but in order to do so, they wanted to have a DNA (mail-in) test. So they had a DNA test and it came back negative. She was crushed and doesn't know what to do.

I recommended that she tell the guy who thought he was a dad all along to move on with this life. I said this because it will be best for the little girl when she grows up and at a young age she'll probably forget him. He's not around all that much, maybe once every two or three weeks. From what I've seen of him, he's a good guy and loves the little girl which makes it hard for the mom to say "Don't come around anymore." She feels he's earned the right to be "dad" since he's been around for 3 years.

As for the real Dad, I suggested that she try and find him and let him at least know. She doesn't know much about him, mainly just his name. It would be fair to him that he know he has a child in this world, it's something I would want to know. Nothing is expected of him, not a single dime, not a single second. Just that he know for the day that the little girl ends up finding her Dad, that he's not in complete shock and denial. Also I think that she should tell him for the best interest of the little girl. So when she's old enough to be able to explain where her dad is, Mom can say I atleast I told him, and it was his choice not to be apart of your life.

She's scared that if she tells the dad that he will want to have her for holidays, weekends etc when she feels he doesn't deserve any of that because he wasn't interested when she was pregnant and she knows nothing about him, what kind of person he is, what kind of family background etc.

So, what would you do?

 

[GtPrOjEcTX]

if she doesn't want to tell the real dad, then don't. I'm sure that would be something else that that guy doesn't need/want. especially if they don't even know each other that well (sounds like a one night stand if all she knows is his name?)

as for you...how about taking on the fatherly role? are you in the relationsihp for the long run?

 

[djs1w]

yeah I'm in it for the long run and for the most part been the fatherly role for 6-7 months. I just think if she doesn't tell the real dad, it will come back to haunt her when the little girl asks where her real dad is, and she has to explain she never told him.

 

[Geekbabe]

<< yeah I'm in it for the long run and for the most part been the fatherly role for 6-7 months. I just think if she doesn't tell the real dad, it will come back to haunt her when the little girl asks where her real dad is, and she has to explain she never told him. >>



First thing that needs to happen is that the other guy needs to be found.Even if he wants no part in the day to day rearing of this child he deserves to know he has a child.Also,this child has a right to as much info about her family history,medical background that she can get.

As for guy number 1, you say he loves the child,has been good to the child,they have a loving father/daughter relationship
sigh, I say there's no reason this man can't continue to see/visit the child.He obviously may wish to scale back his involvement and of course any child support obligation should be removed from him .

A child can never have enough people to love them,as the child grows older it can be explained to her that "Daddy" isn't daddy in the technical sense of the word but that he loved and cared for her as soon as he saw her and wanted to be there
for her, there's lots of ways of handling this so the little girl doesn't end up hurt and without trashing her mother or revealing the not sure of the father situation.

I guess the bigger question is this,do you see yourself marrying this woman , if you did would you legally adopt the child
and take on all the rights/obligations that come with that ? I';d say one of those obligations is to see to it that earnest efforts are made to find bio Dad and that her relationship with her non-bio Dad cntinue in some form if that is in her best interests.


Good luck to all of you !

 

[jjones]

baffled2 said it best already.

 

[Carbo]

<< She's scared that if she tells the dad that he will want to have her for holidays, weekends etc when she feels he doesn't deserve any of that because he wasn't interested when she was pregnant and she knows nothing about him, what kind of person he is, what kind of family background etc. >>

That about sums up what type of mother this poor lil' one is being raised by. She is obviously one selfish brat who is putting what's best for her over what is best for the child. Who is she to determine what the biological father, (whoever he may be), does or does not deserve? That's a matter for the courts to decide. In the meantime, she has an obligation to give this child an opportunity to have as well rounded a family experience as possible. That, of course, includes the father.

 

[Yeeny]

She feels he's earned the right to be "dad" since he's been around for 3 years.

Absolutely he has, whether he is daddy in the biological sense of the word or not. Baffled is right, he can always be in that little girls life, even if he isn't the daddy, and to tell him to go is selfish. As for the other guy, he cannot be judged on what kind of father he is, because he has never been given the opportunity to be one. She needs to tell him, and let this child have the chance to get to know her daddy. Then if he isn't interested, she can make a more responsible decision.

 

[ChrichtonsGirl]

In general, I agree with Carbo. (Excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor )

Your girlfriend really has no right to pre-judge whether or not this man will be an acceptable father. If he impregnated her, then he already has a right (and responsibility) to know he has a child and to decide what kind of involvement he wants. If he's unfit, then your girlfriend can sue for sole custody, but if this child is his and he decides he wants to be an involved dad, she can't stop him. If the situation was reversed, how would you feel if someone you had a relationship with knew you were her child's father but decided on her own that you didn't deserve to know?

I commend both you and the man she thought was the father for taking such an interest in fathering this child. It's beautiful that both of you love her so much and want to be there for her. Don't deny this other man the possibility of sharing part of her life too. Your girlfriend says she doesn't know anything about this guy other than his name - so she really shouldn't be assuming the worst about what would happen. She should prepare herself for any possibility - maybe he'll want to be involved, maybe he won't. If he doesn't, well, her daughter's already got two men who want to be her daddy and your girlfriend can at least say she tried to get the biological father involved.

I understand why your girlfriend is afraid. She doesn't want to "lose" her daughter in any way to another person she knows nothing about. But she has a moral obligation to do the right thing and let this guy at least know he's got a child. She's not even giving him a chance to do the right thing.

Good luck!

 

[Carbo]

<< In general, I agree with Carbo >>

Have clocks the world over stopped working, or is it just in my house?

 

[djs1w]

Carbo, by your resonse, it seems as though you don't have any kids yourself, and spit out a typical politic answer. Before being involved in this situation, I probably would of came up with an answer similiar to yours. But after becoming attached to the little girl, I feel different about it. It's actually the other way around, she wants what's best for her daughter, not herself. And having no clue as to if she would receive the same amount of attention, love, upraising in someone's else's household as opposed to her own where she knows the little girl will obtain everything she needs.

The real dad wanted nothing to do with her during the pregnancy, nothing, not a phone call, not a visit, nadda. Not even after she gave birth he wasn't even remotely curious as to if it where his, and he knew she was pregnant the entire 9 months. He took advantage of her while she was passed out and had all his friends watch. [sarcasm on] Let me tell you, that's exactly someone who I would want my daughter to be spending Christmas with. [sarcasm off] This is her point of view, and it's valid, yet I've encouraged her to make contact with him to at least let him know.

Thanks for the response baffled. I do see myself adopting the little girl down the road, and I totally agree with you that it would be my obligation to track the dad down.

 

[Carbo]

djs, first, let me clarify. I have, in fact, two daughters. A thriteen year old whom I adopted when she was about ten. I am also the biological father of a soon to be four year old, (Sunday, the 18th. Party on, Julianna!). So, my "typical politic answer", whatever that means, is not. My answer is based on what I genuinely believe to be what is best for the child. Not what best suits your needs, or the mother's.
Your/her story of what transpired is one sided. Again, it is a matter for the courts to decide, not an angry, bitter parent who recklessly became pregnant and now wants to cover her tracks. There is a responsibility for every action we take. When mom was sleeping around she should have understood the consequences of her actions. Now, she has a mess on her hands and is looking for an easy out at the expense of the kid. If the father proves a dirtbag, the courts will decide in her favor. If her story about being raped proves true, again, the courts will rule in her favor, and you can all get on as a happy family.
However, as much as you don't want to hear this, methinks there is much more to this story than we are hearing. Like, the father's version.

 

[ChrichtonsGirl]

<<

<< In general, I agree with Carbo >>

Have clocks the world over stopped working, or is it just in my house? >>



I don't know, Carbo. Hell has frozen over here and nothing at all is working.

djs1w, again - if your girlfriend wants what's best for her daughter (and I don't disagree that she does), she needs to put her own feelings about this guy aside and tell him that he's got a daughter. If he is exactly as you and she described, then she's got no worries that he'll be interested. But when her daughter is an adult and she asks Mom why her biological father was never around, your girlfriend will be able to say that she gave him the chance but he didn't take it. Again, creating a baby takes two biological donors - your girlfriend is making a rather arrogant assumption by saying there's no way this guy could be a fit parent. It sounds like she's doing a wonderful job raising her daughter - but her way isn't the only way. I'm finding that out myself now that my ex-husband and I are sharing parenting duties a bit. He doesn't parent anything like I do - but that doesn't make him unworthy to be a parent.

In your first post, you didn't say anything about this guy raping your girlfriend (that's what it is when the woman is passed out and someone has sex with her anyway). I think again Carbo's right cough: - still gettin' used to that) that there's more to the story than just the black and white facts that you can post here.

*Edited to add in another comment and to say (before you ask) that yes, I'm a parent too and I'm not being political at all in my comment. I'm giving you the voice of my experience in being a parent for the last nearly 10 years and for being someone's child for 34.

 

[Geekbabe]

<< Carbo, by your resonse, it seems as though you don't have any kids yourself, and spit out a typical politic answer. Before being involved in this situation, I probably would of came up with an answer similiar to yours. But after becoming attached to the little girl, I feel different about it. It's actually the other way around, she wants what's best for her daughter, not herself. And having no clue as to if she would receive the same amount of attention, love, upraising in someone's else's household as opposed to her own where she knows the little girl will obtain everything she needs.

The real dad wanted nothing to do with her during the pregnancy, nothing, not a phone call, not a visit, nadda. Not even after she gave birth he wasn't even remotely curious as to if it where his, and he knew she was pregnant the entire 9 months. He took advantage of her while she was passed out and had all his friends watch. [sarcasm on] Let me tell you, that's exactly someone who I would want my daughter to be spending Christmas with. [sarcasm off] This is her point of view, and it's valid, yet I've encouraged her to make contact with him to at least let him know.

Thanks for the response baffled. I do see myself adopting the little girl down the road, and I totally agree with you that it would be my obligation to track the dad down. >>




Sigh, having been married twice with children produced in both marriages let me just offer you the one piece of advice that's served me best over the years.


The custodial household has the obligation to *ALWAYS* take the high road while dealing with the non-custodial household
barring cases of documented child abuse or parental unfitness there are no exceptions to this rule,no matter how much it inconviences or pains the custodial parent and his/her new partner.

This means that the custodial household has an obligation to go above and beyond to try to establish a relationship between the child and their other bio parent and to not do/say things that would alienate or thwart a relationship from developing. You also haqve the further obligation to help the child feel good about their relationship with their other parent and to help the child learn to communicate effectively with the non-custodial household and to adjust to the reality of having two homes and two sets of parents.

Having custody is an honor. Parents don't have rights,we have obligations and responsibilities.1/2 of who that little girl is came from that bio father, now she can grow up hearing about her daddie the college almost rapist,no good bum and she can internalise that and be damaged for life. She can then become a confused teenager looking for love,seeking her "real" father and easy prey for any guy with a woodie.

It doesn't have to be that way though, you guys can find this guy and get a court order to make him take a paternity test
when it comes back positive than you all sit down, if he decides he does not wish to be an involved father, you can offer to let him terminate his rights in exchange he will provide photo's of himself,extended family and as much medical/family hx that he can and a letter for the girl to read when she's old enough to understand, that he made this choice because of HIS issues and not any problems with her. If he wishes to see her,you get a mediator who's skilled in dealing with difficult co-parenting issues and both households together slowly wotrk out an arrangement that works best for the kid.If bio Dad is a real creep the child will discover this on his/her own over time.

Having to take the high road,to always have to be the more generous,more flexible parent often sucks. However it is a small price to pay for the honor of having custody and the only right and equitable way to raise a child.

 

[ChrichtonsGirl]

<rendered speechless by baffled's brilliance>

Wow. Well said and 100% true.

 

[djs1w]

guess I've learned today, and again I thank you for the responses. The bio dad did not rape her, I want to clear this up, I didn't meant to come across as this, althought going back and reading what I posted, I came off wrong. She was drunk beyond all coherence, and didn't know what was going on, she passed out, woke up, passed out, just laying in a bed lackidasically (sp).

I've changed my mind about wanting the "thought to be dad" to leave. I think he should be given a choice though, stay in her life, or get out, there's no bouncing back and forth between. If he truely loves her, then he'll stick around, if he doesn't, then we'll know if didn't truely love her, might not even have to say anything to him, just let it work itself out.

As for the bio dad, I couldn't of asked for better advice. Sorry if I came off flaming you Carbo, but the quote:



<< ...type of mother this poor lil' one is being raised by. She is obviously one selfish brat... >>



pissed me off. If she truely is being selfish, it's not intentional, but out of her love and caring for the daughter.

 

[TuffGirl]

<< The bio dad did not rape her, I want to clear this up, I didn't meant to come across as this, althought going back and reading what I posted, I came off wrong. She was drunk beyond all coherence, and didn't know what was going on, she passed out, woke up, passed out, just laying in a bed lackidasically (sp). >>


Since she was passed out, the sex was non-consensual and therefore was a rape. If you and your gf don't realize this, you are in denial

 

[Carbo]

<< Sorry if I came off flaming you Carbo >>

No offense taken. It's an emotional subject which can create anger for all parties involved.
Best wishes with it all, djs.