So my friend asks me...

[amol]

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

 

[amol]

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

 

[amol]

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

 

[azazyel]

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My Favorite


http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

 

[amol]

Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".

 

[amol]

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate. Kit Kat has come up with a clever chocolate saving technique. I'm gonna go down to the Kit Kat factory, and say "Hey, you owe me some letters."

 

[amol]

What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fvck is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open shit...

 

[amol]

I was walking by a drycleaner at 3 a.m. and there was a sign that said "Sorry, we're closed". You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m. and you're a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 a.m. and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology."

 

[CRXican]

Originally posted by: ShotgunSteven

Originally posted by: walla

Originally posted by: adambooth
cliffs?

1. Frozen banana?
2. Thawed banana!

3. Profit?

no, buttsex

 

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly...

 

[Juice Box]

Mr Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper...but its a bullsh!t replica....dude didnt even get his degree.... Hey man, whyd you have to drop outta school and start making pop so fast?

 

[Kev]

I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

 

[Juice Box]

PS: This is what the alphabet would look like if Q & R were eliminated

 

[Kadarin]

Originally posted by: jumpr

Originally posted by: Amol
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

:laugh:!!!!!

He's got a point, you know

 

[ironcrotch]

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and be stubborn and not participate in anything. "Can I have a Big Mac?" "Nope ... we got spaghetti ... and blankets."

 

[ironcrotch]

You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...

 

[Juice Box]

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips

 

[Toasthead]

wow this is some funny stuff!

 

[Toasthead]

You know, people think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports, I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic. I'm thirsty for absolutely no reason. Other than the fact that liquid has not touched my lips for some time. Can I have a Gatorade too, or does that lightning bolt mean "no"?

 

[Biggerhammer]

Originally posted by: adambooth
cliffs?

LOL!

 

[91TTZ]

I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."

 

[dug777]

Should have put the frozen banana where the sun don't shine

 

[Juice Box]

Is a hippopotumus really a hippopotumus? or is it just a really cool opotumus?

 

[cKGunslinger]

I wrote a letter to my dad ? I wanted to write, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really". But I still wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad ? there's a lot of sh1t you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

 

[cKGunslinger]

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So, if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, Goddammit!? I guess I have to slide down. WEEEEE!!!!"

That's what you say when you're having fun ? you refer to yourself and some other people..