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So I watched the new Conan movie last night....

HumblePie

HumblePie

Lifer
I was expecting it to be bad and my expectations were still too high.

I have to say the latest Conan movie was the most gawd awful retched PoS movie I've seen since Ultraviolet. The only redeeming aspect of the movie was the topless women. Why do I think it was bad? read below but there are spoilers there.


* SPOILERS *
So something I hated about the Conan movie. The opening scene and him as a kid weren't too bad. Besides the normal bad acting of Ron Pearlman as Conan's father, it wasn't too bad. Ron Pearlman doing his "I'm not interested in anything because I'm really bored right now" style of acting works in some roles, but not this one. He basically seems relieved to be able to kill his character off so he can get off the screen before the movie turned REALLY bad.

So the premise of the movie is that a long time ago a group of Necromancers from a place called Ashran created a magic mask from the bones of kings, and activated by their true necromantic blood could obtain the power of a god. The power includes bringing someone back from the dead. One guy a long time ago ran around terrorizing the world until only the Barbarian clans of Cimmeria were the only ones left to fight. So they fought, beat the guy up, broke his mask, and sent the pieces to all the clans. Go barbarians! At least this is the narrative told by Morgan Freeman at the beginning of the movie.

Fast forward to Conan as a child. Some evil guy named Zim played by Steven Lang wants to assemble the mask to bring his dead sorceress wife back so they can take of the world together. So Zim invades (lol invader Zim the cartoon puns are welcome here) the clans of Cimmmeria and gets all the mask pieces. Conan's village has the last piece. Umm.... okay so they haven't heard of this guy going around before now killing all the other clans and taking their pieces of the mask? They just were totally unprepared for this guy. Zim comes into a tiny barbarian village with about 1000 soldiers to fight about 30 barbarians it seemed like. None of which run but all fight to death against overwhelming odds. Yah that is believable.

Conan now seeks to find the guy for vengeance.

Fast forward what seems like 20 years or so to a Conan in his adult prime. He's taking out a slave town for no other reason than the fact he wants to do it and "no man should live in chains" bit as an homage to the original Arnold movie. Look, that makes no sense. In the Arnold movie he grows up as a slave, but not in this movie. He has no compelling reason to wipe out the slavers, but whatever.

So this slave town has a large sloping hill nearby with plenty of rocks at the top. Conan and some 10 or so friends on broad daylight climb this hill unseen to place wedges under some boulders to prepare for an assualt on the town and no one sees them do this. With a loud warcry they roll the boulders down the hill and the next 5 minutes are the audience watching the boulders roll down the hill and start knocking over orange cart after orange cart. Ohh the humanity! Conan the Orange Destroyer! I mean did we have to watch all 5 orange carts get turned over? I mean I know Hollywood is trying to instill in us that by knocking over orange carts we will instill fear in our enemies I think. So after all the oranges are knocked over Conan and friends charge into this town that seems to have only 5 slavers and 500 slaves. Yah like that's a ratio that is like to be true. Conan kills the slavers easily and frees all the slaves. Half of which are emancipated old and the other half are beautiful young bare breasted women. Because skinny old dudes and young naked chicks are the only slaves worth having around I guess. Which leads Conan into a night of frolicking, drinking, and arm wrestling.

During the celebration with many naked free slave women, he spots one of the lackey's of Steven Lang's character that destroyed his village. After which he tracks him down, has a little fight, and finds out that the person he is seeking is none other than Zim. The biggest, baddest, most well known evil dude ruling the entire area Conan has been in. I mean seriously I known barbarians aren't meant to be known for their brains but it took Conan 20 something years to figure out the guy he is looking for? A guy that EVERYONE afterward seems to know and is trying to convince Conan that going after Zim is going to get his ass handed to him? Of course Conan does as Conan does and decides to pursue Zim once learning from the lackey with no nose where he is going to be.

So Zim after completing the mask needs the original blood of the necromancer line that created the mask to activate it. He's been looking for 20 years himself for the daughter of the necromantic lines. An lo and behold he finds her in some Shaolin monk wanna be monastery. The monks send the girl to escape while getting their butts handed to them by Zim. Supposedly Zim has found where the girl Tamara (well woman played by Rachel Nichols) has been hiding at the monastery because of the magic powers his sorceress daughter (played by Rose McGowan) has that can locate her. It just took 20 years coincidentally to do so which is the same time it took Conan to figure how that Zim is the man he seeks.

Bad plot devices aside right now, Conan makes it to the Monastery in time to see the girl escaping and thinks it is Zim. Chases her down along with Zim's lackey's to find out it is not Zim but just a girl Zim is looking for.

Bad fighting and explosions for no apparent reasons ensues and Conan has the girl. At which point he talks such sweet nothings to her when he basically says...

"Shut up woman you are now my property."
"Get on my horse and shut up"
"Do as you are told or I will tie you up"

For a guy who was hell bent on freeing slaves earlier in the movie he seems content to treat this hot chick he just met as one.

Using her as bait, Conan lure Zim out for a fight which is completely uninspired and nonsensical. Dust dudes? Really Hollywood is that all you can come up with from the Conan universe? Dust dudes which die with the hit of a sword. Zim gets the better of Conan through foul poisoning from his daughter and Conan and Tamara are forced to flee to a nearby ship a friend is waiting at.

At which point Conan has more sweet nothings to tell Tamara about how she is dressing as a prostitute. Yet for some unknown reason we see the light of "love" starting in the eyes of the character of Tamara.

After another uninspired battle at sea on the boat which has ZERO guards posted but Conan and friends can overcome, we have Conan leaving the boat to find Zim on land. Tamara follows. A strange conversation follows in which Conan states,

"I live, I love, I slay and I am content."

At which point Tamara goes all weak in the knees and slobbers kisses over Conan. At which point they make their way into a cave in a nearby forest, which magically has a bed of fresh straw (talk about itchy) for them to have some freaky sex. Seriously? Is that the line I should have been using all these years at the bars trying to pick up chicks? I should have told them they are my property and said, "I live, I love, I slay and I'm content" and that would get every hot chick there to want to hump me? Wow, guess I've been doing it wrong all these years.

So anyhow, Conan and Tamara get their freak on at which point she sneaks out of the love cave early for who knows what reason. Zim's henchmen also just happen to be waiting around outside as well to capture her. Really?

Fast forward a bit as Conan goes after Tamara. He enlists the aid of the prince of Thieves named Ela-Shan which he rescued earlier in the movie that claims he can get into anywhere. So Conan uses him to get into the impenetrable stronghold of Zim. But it's not so impenetrable as the price of Thieves seems to have keys to the entire place? Wait what? Where the keys come from? Oh did I forget to mention that when Conan goes to enlist the aid of Ela-shan he finds him pretty much living like a king in a palace. As Conan is walking around looking for Ela-shan he decides the best informant for info is a fat old dude he randomly picks out of a crowd that contained tons of beautiful naked dancing women nearby. Also, to make sure the guy gives him the info he needs, Conan makes sure to grab the old guy's balls and give them a squeeze. No Conan isn't gay I promise!

So back to Conan and Ela-shan busting into Zim's fortress of doom, the make their way through the dungeons to fight a crappy Japanese tentacle monster which ends up killing most of the enemy guards for Conan in the first place. Yay! Conan makes it to the tower to see Zim leading an entourage which includes the girl to a "skull cave" that hangs above the sea shore nearby. I guess Zim realized his fortress of doom wasn't so impenetrable and made plans to do the ritual to awaken the mask elsewhere.

So Zim awakens the mask in the skull cave with the blood of Tamara just as Conan gets there. Oh speaking of which for theatrical flair, the sea cave is no longer above the ocean. The cave is now above a huge bottomless pit as large as the Grand Canyon and full of lava at the bottom. Don't ask because I have no idea where that came from either. Zim puts on his magical mask to give him the magical powers of a god. So what does he do when see Conan? Why start a sword fight with him after Conan was kicking his butt earlier 1v1. Yah that makes more sense! Even more astounding is when the fight starts the cave starts collapsing upon itself. A cave with structures inside that look to have been around for thousands of years decides right at that moment to have a complete implosion because of the sword fight happening.

More bad fighting ensues and Zim and Daughter perish. The end.


There was WAY more I could nitpick in that movie but I'm tired of typing. Suffice it to say the story was bad, the acting was bad, the dialog was bad, the action was bad, and the only good thing about the movie was topless chicks.
 
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Holy shit, long review. I laughed at two of Joe Rogan's retweets regarding Conan.

They read: @joerogan Lack of camel punching makes it not Conan. And this coming from a vegan of 9 years.

@joerogan Massive pile of shit. I kept punching myself in the dick hoping I'd look up from the pain and see Arnie on the screen
 
Thanks!

Now I need to use it as a template, substitute a few names and do the "Cowboys vs. Aliens" movie review.
 
the writer responds to you

When you work "above the line" on a movie (writer, director, actor, producer, etc.) watching it flop at the box office is devastating. I had such an experience during the opening weekend of Conan the Barbarian 3D.

A movie's opening day is analogous to a political election night. Although I've never worked in politics, I remember having similar feelings of disappointment and disillusionment when my candidate lost a presidential bid, so I imagine that working as a speechwriter or a fundraiser for the losing campaign would feel about the same as working on an unsuccessful film.

One joins a movie production, the same way one might join a campaign, years before the actual release/election, and in the beginning one is filled with hope, enthusiasm and belief. I joined the Conan team, having loved the character in comic books and the stories of Robert E. Howard, filled with the same kind of raw energy and drive that one needs in politics.

Any film production, like a long grueling campaign over months and years, is filled with crisis, compromise, exhaustion, conflict, elation, and blind faith that if one just works harder, the results will turn out all right in the end. During that process whatever anger, frustration, or disagreement you have with the candidate/film you keep to yourself. Privately you may oppose various decisions, strategies, or compromises; you may learn things about the candidate that cloud your resolve and shake your confidence, but you soldier on, committed to the end. You rationalize it along the way by imagining that the struggle will be worth it when the candidate wins.

A few months before release, "tracking numbers" play the role in movies that polls play in politics. It's easy to get caught up in this excitement, like a college volunteer handing out fliers for Howard Dean. (Months before Conan was released many close to the production believed it would open like last year's The Expendables.) As the release date approaches and the the tracking numbers start to fall, you start adjusting expectations, but always with a kind of desperate optimism. "I don't believe the polls," say the smiling candidates.

You hope that advertising and word of mouth will improve the numbers, and even as the numbers get tighter and the omens get darker, you keep telling yourself that things will turn around, that your guy will surprise the experts and pollsters. You stay optimistic. You begin selectively ignoring bad news and highlighting the good. You make the best of it. You believe.

In the days before the release, you get all sorts of enthusiastic congratulations from friends and family. Everyone seems to believe it will go well, and everyone has something positive to say, so you allow yourself to get swept up in it.

You tell yourself to just enjoy the process. That whether you succeed or fail, win or lose, it will be fine. You pretend to be Zen. You adopt detachment, and ironic humor, while secretly praying for a miracle.

The Friday night of the release is like the Tuesday night of an election. "Exit polls"are taken of people leaving the theater, and estimated box office numbers start leaking out in the afternoon, like early ballot returns. You are glued to your computer, clicking wildly over websites, chatting nonstop with peers, and calling anyone and everyone to find out what they've heard. Have any numbers come back yet? That's when your stomach starts to drop.

By about 9 PM its clear when your "candidate" has lost by a startlingly wide margin, more than you or even the most pessimistic political observers could have predicted. With a movie its much the same: trade magazines like Variety and Hollywood Reporter call the weekend winners and losers based on projections. That's when the reality of the loss sinks in, and you don't sleep the rest of the night.

For the next couple of days, you walk in a daze, and your friends and family offer kind words, but mostly avoid the subject. Since you had planned (ardently believed, despite it all) that success would propel you to new appointments and opportunities, you find yourself at a loss about what to do next. It can all seem very grim.

You make light of it, of course. You joke and shrug. But the blow to your ego and reputation can't be brushed off. Reviewers, even when they were positive, mocked Conan The Barbarian for its lack of story, lack of characterization, and lack of wit. This doesn't speak well of the screenwriting - and any filmmaker who tells you s/he "doesn't read reviews" just doesn't want to admit how much they sting.

Unfortunately, the work I do as a script doctor is hard to defend if the movie flops. I know that those who have read my Conan shooting script agree that much of the work I did on story and character never made it to screen. I myself know that given the difficulties of rewriting a script in the middle of production, I made vast improvements on the draft that came before me. But its still much like doing great work on a losing campaign. All anyone in the general public knows, all anyone in the industry remembers, is the flop. A loss is a loss.

But one thought this morning has lightened my mood:

My father is a retired trumpet player. I remember, when I was a boy, watching him spend months preparing for an audition with a famous philharmonic. Trumpet positions in major orchestras only become available once every few years. Hundreds of world class players will fly in to try out for these positions from all over the world. I remember my dad coming home from this competition, one that he desperately wanted to win, one that he desperately needed to win because work was so hard to come by. Out of hundreds of candidates and days of auditions and callbacks, my father came in....second.

It was devastating for him. He looked completely numb. To come that close and lose tore out his heart. But the next morning, at 6:00 AM, the same way he had done every morning since the age of 12, he did his mouthpiece drills. He did his warm ups. He practiced his usual routines, the same ones he tells his students they need to play every single day. He didn't take the morning off. He just went on. He was and is a trumpet player and that's what trumpet players do, come success or failure.

Less than a year later, he went on to win a position with the Los Angeles Philharmonic, where he played for three decades. Good thing he kept practicing.

So with my father's example in mind, here I sit, coffee cup steaming in its mug and dog asleep at my feet, starting my work for the day, revising yet another script, working out yet another pitch, thinking of the future (the next project, the next election) because I'm a screenwriter, and that's just what screenwriters do.

In the words of Ed Wood, "My next one will be BETTER!"
Click to expand...
 
Ns1 said:
the writer responds to you
Click to expand...

The writer needs to quit his day job. That movie was written by a pre-pubescent 12 year old with down syndrome addicted to porn, riddalin, explosions, and swords. It could not have been written any worse.
 
HumblePie said:
Ron Pearlman doing his "I'm not interested in anything and really right now" style of acting works in some roles but not this one.
Click to expand...

I stopped reading here. You can't even put together a coherent sentence. I doubt the rest of your wall-o-text makes much sense.

The new movie was pretty good. No worse than the old ones. Plus.... boobs.
 
ioni said:
I stopped reading here. You can't even put together a coherent sentence. I doubt the rest of your wall-o-text makes much sense.

The new movie was pretty good. No worse than the old ones. Plus.... boobs.
Click to expand...

Wow, I'm not exactly being paid here to put up a professional grade review with editors and proof readers combing over any typos I make. However, I went ahead and fixed that sentence for you.

I loved the first movie and even liked the second one that Arnold did. Even though the story wasn't even close to anything the original Conan author wrote about. Heck, I even loved watching the cartoons and reading the comics as a kid.

I went into this movie expecting a B rated production. I was thinking it would be silly, with some stupidity, but basically at least fun to watch.

It was anything but that. It was not a B rated production it was an F rated one. Because it was a failed excuse for a movie in any sense. No plot, no acting, no dialog, no character development, and no point in watching. Even the actions scenes were horrible and painful to watch.

I actually had more fun telling my friends how bad the movie was when giving them basically the same review I wrote above.
 
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