Pretty normal life. It was a pretty good one for the most part. I worked as an insurance salesman and I lived in a small town called Seahaven Island. Life was pretty boring for the most part. I got married right out of college and met a girl I loved. We ended up not having kids which kind of bothered me sometimes. I did actually meet a girl in school that I really really liked but she got away. I always wanted to escape Seahaven though. I always wanted to just....leave. I don't know. It was kind of a big deal for me. But I could never just get up and leave. It was wierd. I had this strange phobia of water I think probably from when my dad drowned when I was younger. Anyhow, life was going fairly well up to this point, really there wasn't much I could complain about in reality.
One day I was getting ready for work, as I always did. I usually had a pretty set routine, you know. Get up, shave, have a good breakfast. I might read the paper, wife would head out to work at the hospital and I'd go off to the office. Well I'm getting in my car and this giant thing just SMASHES onto the ground. Like WTF?! Shit almost killed me. When I looked a bit closer I noticed it was like a satellite or maybe an alien space dish. Might even be something top secret. I have no idea. It was pretty freaky shit though. I thought maybe some government agency was going to come swooping down. Maybe it was from a plane or some shit but even when I looked up there was nothing there. So, I got the hell out of dodge because I didn't want to be around if and when the feds showed up. On the way to work the radio was all like "Oh shit, shit is falling out of the sky!" and I was like damn that's wierd, they know about it already? I didn't think too much into it.
So I get to the office and I'm kind of neffing off and I tear out this picture of a magazine that I picked up on the way to work. I'm making this like, collage thing of the girl I really wanted to bang in college. I like my wife and all but it'd be nice to get some strange for that girl so the best I can do is piece her face together on some paper. While I'm neffing I decide to grow a pair of balls and I call the Fiji information directory to ask for the college girl. That's where she said she'd be is Fiji. So, no luck there though. Guess I'm stuck with the wife for a bit at this point. I even tried a different name because I was only hanging out with that chick for a few days when she dissapeared. Maybe some illuminati shit I'm not sure. Well as I'm doing my where in the world is carmen san diego thing, my asshole boss comes up and is like "Yo man, need you to go close a deal on Harbor Island." Shit son, I'm scared of water. So, I made it out there but I couldn't get across. Whatever, at least my boss didn't fire me because he was cool with my phobia. No idea how I'm supposed to get to Fiji to bang college girl at this point.
So I get home right, and the wife is being wierd as usual. She's always happy and saying wierd crap about things she buys. I'm pretty sure she's bipolar or possibly cheating on me at work because of how happy she is. I mean what the hell man, who is that happy about freaking oatmeal and shit? Crazy bat. After I get done gardening and stuff my buddy comes over. Of course he's brought his usual six pack of beer so we're drinking and I'm like "allright this guy gets me". So I tell him about trying to leave the island and quit my shitty ass job and life. I had a flashback about me in school when I wanted to be an explorer, and my teacher was like "Yo fool, theres nothing left to explore dummy, we found it all." Way to crush a kids dreams. So get this, my idiot friend says he doesn't even know where Fiji is. So I'm like in my mind "damn, this guy is stupid." Whatever, he gave me free beer.
So later that night I'm sitting out on the beach and I start having flashbacks of my dad dying in the water. It was actually myt fault because my dad was all like "yo dawg, it's getting crazy rough out here maybe we should go back" and I was "no dad, screw you lets stay out on the water". Yeah he ended up dying that night. So I kind of beat myself up about it and why I'm scared of water. I should probably see a psychiatrist or something but, whatevs. So as I'm day dreaming it starts pissing rain and I'm like, damnit, of course. Well what was wierd was it only started to rain on me, like, where I was standing. So I move, and it moves with me! What in the hayl. Then it starts dumping. Pretty sure it was a sign from god that I suck. I dunno man life just has me down at this point. When I got home to tell my wife that I'm going to go to Fiji and that I hate this shit hole. She starts talking about money and blah blah blah, and I'm like aw cmon it's not that bad, and she's like "I want a baby blah blah blah". Whatever, what a jerk. Always thinking about herself.
So that next morning I'm driving to work and I see this homeless dude, stanky nasty and just haggard as all hell. But then I do a double take and I'm like "HOLY SHIT ITS MY OLD MAN!" and then as I'm sitting there thinking that I'm going to do this crazy ass U turn right in the middle of traffic a bunch of government agent people show up and grab this dude. I'm sitting there now like WTF just happened!? Might have been from that space ship crash thingy earlier, I mean that was probably some secret squirrel stuff and maybe he saw it. Even more reason for me to get the hell out of town. I tried to follow him anyways because the man doesn't tell me what to do, but all this shit kept getting in my way like rush our traffic from hell. Piss. He's gone. When I called my mom about this I had to ask her I was like "Yo is dad really dead? Because I'm pretty sure I saw a homeless man today that was my dad. Did dad really die or did you bang a homeless man or what because I'm pretty mentally disturbed and this would help me." She's like "nah, your dad is so dead. Really really dead. Your dad is so dead he's double dead." Yeah well we'll see.
So then I go down to my basement because I'm pretty pissed off at this point. Kind of sad. Little bit hungry. And I'm going through this old trunk and I find this sweater and it has a pin on it that says "How will it end" and man if that didn't set off some PTSD flashbacks again I'm not sure what will, so I'm thinking of my wife and me in college (she was kind of hot in her college band uniform) and that's where I saw the girl for the first time. But then my wife came up and tripped and it was like WTF bitch! And then she got me in the end...damnit. Ultimate cockblock. So she's hanging all over me and stuff and I can't get away from her to get this girls number or even her name but I'm in the library this one time, and there she is! I go over there and I talk to her (it took a lot of balls to do this) and she's like "I can't talk with you" and i'm like wut!? So at this point I go all out and I say 'Just go out with me' and she takes out a paper and writes 'now' on it and hands it to me. I was hoping it meant 'take me now' or 'do me now' but this chick has schizophrenia or something and we go running out of hte building and we run. We ran to the beach and I was about to get lucky but then this car comes roaring up like woooooaaah man what the fuck is this, and it's her old man! Double cockblock yo! Holy crap is he pissed off. He grabs her and then floors it and I never see her again. Man what a day. That's when I got her red sweater and why I had it in the trunk by the way. I didn't murder her or anything crazy. So, oh and that trunk is where I kept the collage of her face. I sometimes sneak down to the trunk for happy time.
So next day I'm driving to work and I wasn't really thinking about anything and all of a sudden my radio starts freaking out and I'm like oh my god what is it this time. I start hearing some radio chatter and it's like "He's turning west, now he's turning etc etc". Dude the feds had me pinned! They were watching me and their radio chatter was bleeding over on my tuner. I have no idea how that happened but I decide to get out and duck into a building because no way in hell the feds are going to take me alive. I push the elevator button in this random ass building I walk into and when it opens there are a bunch of dudes with headphones eating sandwiches and stuff and I'm like WTF is this? but then security escorted me out. I guess it was better than the feds finding me but still wierd as hell. So I try to work a normal day but after that morning it was crazy. I get home and just kind of survey the situation. My wife comes home and sees me in my car watching people so I tell her to get in. I show her that I can predict...every thing that is going on. Because it's all in a loop! Like. Maybe I'm going schizo, or the town is full of OCD people I dont know. It is craziness to the 10th degree. She calls me paranoid and crazy and in my mind I'm like "Note to self, divorce this bitch" but whatever. I'm going to show her what is really up, so, not thining clearly and about safety at all I floor it in reverse. I'm flying down the street and she's freaking out and she's like "stop the car you asshole!" and I'm like 'no bitch!' and we suddenly hit this random traffic jam. Of course! So I floor it again and I start taking another road out of town , but then I'm like, no F that. Nobody tells me what to do. So when I go back what do you think I see? No cars! Damn this is creepy. So I start flooring it and then all of a sudden there is a bridge. Crap I can't go on the bridge. So I floor it when I closed my eyes, and I grab my wife and I'm like "Drive hussy drive!" She's screaming, I'm screaming, it's pretty crazy. We make it over the bridge but then of course there is another obstacle saying theres a forest fire, but theres no trees on the road so I keep driving. Then theres a nuclear freaking meltdown! This shit is getting so insane its unreal! I decide that I have health insurance and it's worth the risk of cancer to get the hell away from my wife or at least find crazy girl with the smokin bod. The cops pull me over and they're sitting there, some guys in hazmat suits or so mething. They're like "yo dawg you can't go any further" and I'm like screw you! So I start running for it and I get tackled. Luckily I didn't get cancer because that was a bogus escape attempt. I wasn't really trying I don't think.
I get home after they give me a ticket and I'm just sitting there like "What in the hell is going on in my life?" and my wife starts talking about some stupid ass drink she bought in the store. I start freaking out like WTF are you talking about you crazy woman! She gets all mad and she's acting like nothing happened and I'm like you're insane! crazy! bat shit crazy at that! She gets mad and threatens me with a peeler (lol) and tells me to stay back. I dare her to stab me in the throat. I'd probably welcome a clean death like that, nice and quick. Then I'm like I'm gonna hurt her, I grab her hands and she screams 'someone stop him!' and I'm like who the hell are you talking to! At this point I'm convinced she is crazy. Either she or me. I don't know. I can't tell. All of a sudden my buddy is there with beers and she runs crying to him and I'm like jesus christ.
So we're sitting on the road again and it's night time, and I'm just sitting there like FML....FML.....FML. My buddy is trying to convince me that if it was a giant conspiracy he'd be in on it too. I guess that's kind of convincing. Maybe he is on it? I start thinking about maybe grabbing a branch and stabbing him in the neck with it, just to make sure he's not it on it but then he starts telling me that he found my dad. WHAT!? My old man, right there. It was the homeless dude like I thought. So now I'm doubly conflicted because I wanted to kill my wife, and my friend, and now my deadbeat dad is here? What the in the hell is going on here? I gave him a hug because he said he'd make it up to me. Hopefully with a large life insurance policy. This kind of made me feel a bit better so I get some sleep, and the next day I have a new coworker. She's pretty hot. The wife took off I have no idea where she's staying. Hopefully she's filing for divorce. And I'm sizing up this new girl for a potential lay. I get home and its pretty quiet since I was all by myself so after taking a huge dump I went downstairs to mess with my trunk of secret fap treasures again. I get this idea in my head though....that maybe that thing that crashed a few days ago was a camera or some shit. Maybe the house was bugged. I bet my wife was in on it! Man. So that's why I can't make it to Fiji. The feds are cock blocking! So I hatch a plan. I pretend like I fall asleep, I think I actually did for a minute but I had an arousing dream about college girl so I get up, and I make a lump under my pillows so it looks like I'm sleeping. Just in case someone tries to slit my throat in the dark. And I sneak out. So I overcome my fears and I grab a boat and I'm like: I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. So I get on the ocean and I'm doing it! I'm sailing to Fiji to get some tail! Then out of nowhere. Get this. It's like. Pitch black maybe 3AM at this point, and then BAM! The sun comes out. I thought I had a stroke but the reality was someone was faking me out this WHOLE time. I couldn't believe it. So then there comes a storm. No bullshit. From darkness at night, to sun, to storm. In like 15 seconds. I'm pretty sure god himself is trying to cock block at this point. But then I remembered my own man, and god himself aint gonna stop me from getting some awesome tail. I start screaming at him kind of like lieutenant dan does in forrest gump and I just lay there because at that point I am pretty scared and I'm probably going to die. Then I fell out of the boat and start choking on nasty sea water, I mean I was pretty screwed at that point. Then the sun came....I mean seriously man I either had like 6 strokes in a row or something...I just...I can't even explain the craziness. I decide to go towards the light and keep sailing because I mean it can't really get much worse at this point. I lost the wife. Lost my mind. My job probably. I have no idea, but whatever is on the other side of the ocean is probably no worse than what I would go back to. Then WHAMMO! I hit a wall. Yeah, a wall. Like not a beach. not the coral. A freaking WALL man! When i actually got up and looked at it, it was painted to look like the sky. So now I'm really freaking out. Maybe my wife poisoned me with acid my whole life and this is just the ultimate trip but nope, shit was painted to look like clouds. This wall actually had a bit of a ledge so I'm following it and you guessed it, theres a door. I'm about to open this door, which I figured was either the gateway to heaven or the gateway to hell and a voice starts talking to me from the sky. Like jesus christ man I have'nt been through enough god has to talk to me now? I am so gonna get therapy after this. He tells me that...get this...I've been on a tv show my whole life. So not only am I pretty shocked but I'm also like "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit man". Thinking of all those things I thought I did in 'private'. Like, the whole world saw that? Damnit dude everyone is going to think I'm the biggest perv ever. Anyways this guy keeps rambling about how I'm the star of this show and he's pretty muched raised me (which is questionable because I have yet to see a dime from him) and he wants me to stay. Get real dude! Obviously he hasn't been watching because I was going to Fiji to get some tail! And then I walked through the door and....well that's pretty much it. Now here I am.
Oh and when I finally got to meet that crazy hot girl from college I only had a one night stand. Turns out she really was bat shit crazy so I pretty much just hit it and quit it.
And that's the story of when I was an insurance salesman.
Pretty normal life. It was a pretty good one for the most part. I worked as an insurance salesman and I lived in a small town called Seahaven Island. Life was pretty boring for the most part. I got married right out of college and met a girl I loved. We ended up not having kids which kind of bothered me sometimes. I did actually meet a girl in school that I really really liked but she got away. I always wanted to escape Seahaven though. I always wanted to just....leave. I don't know. It was kind of a big deal for me. But I could never just get up and leave. It was wierd. I had this strange phobia of water I think probably from when my dad drowned when I was younger. Anyhow, life was going fairly well up to this point, really there wasn't much I could complain about in reality.
One day I was getting ready for work, as I always did. I usually had a pretty set routine, you know. Get up, shave, have a good breakfast. I might read the paper, wife would head out to work at the hospital and I'd go off to the office. Well I'm getting in my car and this giant thing just SMASHES onto the ground. Like WTF?! Shit almost killed me. When I looked a bit closer I noticed it was like a satellite or maybe an alien space dish. Might even be something top secret. I have no idea. It was pretty freaky shit though. I thought maybe some government agency was going to come swooping down. Maybe it was from a plane or some shit but even when I looked up there was nothing there. So, I got the hell out of dodge because I didn't want to be around if and when the feds showed up. On the way to work the radio was all like "Oh shit, shit is falling out of the sky!" and I was like damn that's wierd, they know about it already? I didn't think too much into it.
So I get to the office and I'm kind of neffing off and I tear out this picture of a magazine that I picked up on the way to work. I'm making this like, collage thing of the girl I really wanted to bang in college. I like my wife and all but it'd be nice to get some strange for that girl so the best I can do is piece her face together on some paper. While I'm neffing I decide to grow a pair of balls and I call the Fiji information directory to ask for the college girl. That's where she said she'd be is Fiji. So, no luck there though. Guess I'm stuck with the wife for a bit at this point. I even tried a different name because I was only hanging out with that chick for a few days when she dissapeared. Maybe some illuminati shit I'm not sure. Well as I'm doing my where in the world is carmen san diego thing, my asshole boss comes up and is like "Yo man, need you to go close a deal on Harbor Island." Shit son, I'm scared of water. So, I made it out there but I couldn't get across. Whatever, at least my boss didn't fire me because he was cool with my phobia. No idea how I'm supposed to get to Fiji to bang college girl at this point.
So I get home right, and the wife is being wierd as usual. She's always happy and saying wierd crap about things she buys. I'm pretty sure she's bipolar or possibly cheating on me at work because of how happy she is. I mean what the hell man, who is that happy about freaking oatmeal and shit? Crazy bat. After I get done gardening and stuff my buddy comes over. Of course he's brought his usual six pack of beer so we're drinking and I'm like "allright this guy gets me". So I tell him about trying to leave the island and quit my shitty ass job and life. I had a flashback about me in school when I wanted to be an explorer, and my teacher was like "Yo fool, theres nothing left to explore dummy, we found it all." Way to crush a kids dreams. So get this, my idiot friend says he doesn't even know where Fiji is. So I'm like in my mind "damn, this guy is stupid." Whatever, he gave me free beer.
So later that night I'm sitting out on the beach and I start having flashbacks of my dad dying in the water. It was actually myt fault because my dad was all like "yo dawg, it's getting crazy rough out here maybe we should go back" and I was "no dad, screw you lets stay out on the water". Yeah he ended up dying that night. So I kind of beat myself up about it and why I'm scared of water. I should probably see a psychiatrist or something but, whatevs. So as I'm day dreaming it starts pissing rain and I'm like, damnit, of course. Well what was wierd was it only started to rain on me, like, where I was standing. So I move, and it moves with me! What in the hayl. Then it starts dumping. Pretty sure it was a sign from god that I suck. I dunno man life just has me down at this point. When I got home to tell my wife that I'm going to go to Fiji and that I hate this shit hole. She starts talking about money and blah blah blah, and I'm like aw cmon it's not that bad, and she's like "I want a baby blah blah blah". Whatever, what a jerk. Always thinking about herself.
So that next morning I'm driving to work and I see this homeless dude, stanky nasty and just haggard as all hell. But then I do a double take and I'm like "HOLY SHIT ITS MY OLD MAN!" and then as I'm sitting there thinking that I'm going to do this crazy ass U turn right in the middle of traffic a bunch of government agent people show up and grab this dude. I'm sitting there now like WTF just happened!? Might have been from that space ship crash thingy earlier, I mean that was probably some secret squirrel stuff and maybe he saw it. Even more reason for me to get the hell out of town. I tried to follow him anyways because the man doesn't tell me what to do, but all this shit kept getting in my way like rush our traffic from hell. Piss. He's gone. When I called my mom about this I had to ask her I was like "Yo is dad really dead? Because I'm pretty sure I saw a homeless man today that was my dad. Did dad really die or did you bang a homeless man or what because I'm pretty mentally disturbed and this would help me." She's like "nah, your dad is so dead. Really really dead. Your dad is so dead he's double dead." Yeah well we'll see.
So then I go down to my basement because I'm pretty pissed off at this point. Kind of sad. Little bit hungry. And I'm going through this old trunk and I find this sweater and it has a pin on it that says "How will it end" and man if that didn't set off some PTSD flashbacks again I'm not sure what will, so I'm thinking of my wife and me in college (she was kind of hot in her college band uniform) and that's where I saw the girl for the first time. But then my wife came up and tripped and it was like WTF bitch! And then she got me in the end...damnit. Ultimate cockblock. So she's hanging all over me and stuff and I can't get away from her to get this girls number or even her name but I'm in the library this one time, and there she is! I go over there and I talk to her (it took a lot of balls to do this) and she's like "I can't talk with you" and i'm like wut!? So at this point I go all out and I say 'Just go out with me' and she takes out a paper and writes 'now' on it and hands it to me. I was hoping it meant 'take me now' or 'do me now' but this chick has schizophrenia or something and we go running out of hte building and we run. We ran to the beach and I was about to get lucky but then this car comes roaring up like woooooaaah man what the fuck is this, and it's her old man! Double cockblock yo! Holy crap is he pissed off. He grabs her and then floors it and I never see her again. Man what a day. That's when I got her red sweater and why I had it in the trunk by the way. I didn't murder her or anything crazy. So, oh and that trunk is where I kept the collage of her face. I sometimes sneak down to the trunk for happy time.
So next day I'm driving to work and I wasn't really thinking about anything and all of a sudden my radio starts freaking out and I'm like oh my god what is it this time. I start hearing some radio chatter and it's like "He's turning west, now he's turning etc etc". Dude the feds had me pinned! They were watching me and their radio chatter was bleeding over on my tuner. I have no idea how that happened but I decide to get out and duck into a building because no way in hell the feds are going to take me alive. I push the elevator button in this random ass building I walk into and when it opens there are a bunch of dudes with headphones eating sandwiches and stuff and I'm like WTF is this? but then security escorted me out. I guess it was better than the feds finding me but still wierd as hell. So I try to work a normal day but after that morning it was crazy. I get home and just kind of survey the situation. My wife comes home and sees me in my car watching people so I tell her to get in. I show her that I can predict...every thing that is going on. Because it's all in a loop! Like. Maybe I'm going schizo, or the town is full of OCD people I dont know. It is craziness to the 10th degree. She calls me paranoid and crazy and in my mind I'm like "Note to self, divorce this bitch" but whatever. I'm going to show her what is really up, so, not thining clearly and about safety at all I floor it in reverse. I'm flying down the street and she's freaking out and she's like "stop the car you asshole!" and I'm like 'no bitch!' and we suddenly hit this random traffic jam. Of course! So I floor it again and I start taking another road out of town , but then I'm like, no F that. Nobody tells me what to do. So when I go back what do you think I see? No cars! Damn this is creepy. So I start flooring it and then all of a sudden there is a bridge. Crap I can't go on the bridge. So I floor it when I closed my eyes, and I grab my wife and I'm like "Drive hussy drive!" She's screaming, I'm screaming, it's pretty crazy. We make it over the bridge but then of course there is another obstacle saying theres a forest fire, but theres no trees on the road so I keep driving. Then theres a nuclear freaking meltdown! This shit is getting so insane its unreal! I decide that I have health insurance and it's worth the risk of cancer to get the hell away from my wife or at least find crazy girl with the smokin bod. The cops pull me over and they're sitting there, some guys in hazmat suits or so mething. They're like "yo dawg you can't go any further" and I'm like screw you! So I start running for it and I get tackled. Luckily I didn't get cancer because that was a bogus escape attempt. I wasn't really trying I don't think.
I get home after they give me a ticket and I'm just sitting there like "What in the hell is going on in my life?" and my wife starts talking about some stupid ass drink she bought in the store. I start freaking out like WTF are you talking about you crazy woman! She gets all mad and she's acting like nothing happened and I'm like you're insane! crazy! bat shit crazy at that! She gets mad and threatens me with a peeler (lol) and tells me to stay back. I dare her to stab me in the throat. I'd probably welcome a clean death like that, nice and quick. Then I'm like I'm gonna hurt her, I grab her hands and she screams 'someone stop him!' and I'm like who the hell are you talking to! At this point I'm convinced she is crazy. Either she or me. I don't know. I can't tell. All of a sudden my buddy is there with beers and she runs crying to him and I'm like jesus christ.
So we're sitting on the road again and it's night time, and I'm just sitting there like FML....FML.....FML. My buddy is trying to convince me that if it was a giant conspiracy he'd be in on it too. I guess that's kind of convincing. Maybe he is on it? I start thinking about maybe grabbing a branch and stabbing him in the neck with it, just to make sure he's not it on it but then he starts telling me that he found my dad. WHAT!? My old man, right there. It was the homeless dude like I thought. So now I'm doubly conflicted because I wanted to kill my wife, and my friend, and now my deadbeat dad is here? What the in the hell is going on here? I gave him a hug because he said he'd make it up to me. Hopefully with a large life insurance policy. This kind of made me feel a bit better so I get some sleep, and the next day I have a new coworker. She's pretty hot. The wife took off I have no idea where she's staying. Hopefully she's filing for divorce. And I'm sizing up this new girl for a potential lay. I get home and its pretty quiet since I was all by myself so after taking a huge dump I went downstairs to mess with my trunk of secret fap treasures again. I get this idea in my head though....that maybe that thing that crashed a few days ago was a camera or some shit. Maybe the house was bugged. I bet my wife was in on it! Man. So that's why I can't make it to Fiji. The feds are cock blocking! So I hatch a plan. I pretend like I fall asleep, I think I actually did for a minute but I had an arousing dream about college girl so I get up, and I make a lump under my pillows so it looks like I'm sleeping. Just in case someone tries to slit my throat in the dark. And I sneak out. So I overcome my fears and I grab a boat and I'm like: I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. So I get on the ocean and I'm doing it! I'm sailing to Fiji to get some tail! Then out of nowhere. Get this. It's like. Pitch black maybe 3AM at this point, and then BAM! The sun comes out. I thought I had a stroke but the reality was someone was faking me out this WHOLE time. I couldn't believe it. So then there comes a storm. No bullshit. From darkness at night, to sun, to storm. In like 15 seconds. I'm pretty sure god himself is trying to cock block at this point. But then I remembered my own man, and god himself aint gonna stop me from getting some awesome tail. I start screaming at him kind of like lieutenant dan does in forrest gump and I just lay there because at that point I am pretty scared and I'm probably going to die. Then I fell out of the boat and start choking on nasty sea water, I mean I was pretty screwed at that point. Then the sun came....I mean seriously man I either had like 6 strokes in a row or something...I just...I can't even explain the craziness. I decide to go towards the light and keep sailing because I mean it can't really get much worse at this point. I lost the wife. Lost my mind. My job probably. I have no idea, but whatever is on the other side of the ocean is probably no worse than what I would go back to. Then WHAMMO! I hit a wall. Yeah, a wall. Like not a beach. not the coral. A freaking WALL man! When i actually got up and looked at it, it was painted to look like the sky. So now I'm really freaking out. Maybe my wife poisoned me with acid my whole life and this is just the ultimate trip but nope, shit was painted to look like clouds. This wall actually had a bit of a ledge so I'm following it and you guessed it, theres a door. I'm about to open this door, which I figured was either the gateway to heaven or the gateway to hell and a voice starts talking to me from the sky. Like jesus christ man I have'nt been through enough god has to talk to me now? I am so gonna get therapy after this. He tells me that...get this...I've been on a tv show my whole life. So not only am I pretty shocked but I'm also like "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit man". Thinking of all those things I thought I did in 'private'. Like, the whole world saw that? Damnit dude everyone is going to think I'm the biggest perv ever. Anyways this guy keeps rambling about how I'm the star of this show and he's pretty muched raised me (which is questionable because I have yet to see a dime from him) and he wants me to stay. Get real dude! Obviously he hasn't been watching because I was going to Fiji to get some tail! And then I walked through the door and....well that's pretty much it. Now here I am.
Oh and when I finally got to meet that crazy hot girl from college I only had a one night stand. Turns out she really was bat shit crazy so I pretty much just hit it and quit it.
And that's the story of when I was an insurance salesman.
Pretty normal life. It was a pretty good one for the most part. I worked as an insurance salesman and I lived in a small town called Seahaven Island. Life was pretty boring for the most part. I got married right out of college and met a girl I loved. We ended up not having kids which kind of bothered me sometimes. I did actually meet a girl in school that I really really liked but she got away. I always wanted to escape Seahaven though. I always wanted to just....leave. I don't know. It was kind of a big deal for me. But I could never just get up and leave. It was wierd. I had this strange phobia of water I think probably from when my dad drowned when I was younger. Anyhow, life was going fairly well up to this point, really there wasn't much I could complain about in reality.
One day I was getting ready for work, as I always did. I usually had a pretty set routine, you know. Get up, shave, have a good breakfast. I might read the paper, wife would head out to work at the hospital and I'd go off to the office. Well I'm getting in my car and this giant thing just SMASHES onto the ground. Like WTF?! Shit almost killed me. When I looked a bit closer I noticed it was like a satellite or maybe an alien space dish. Might even be something top secret. I have no idea. It was pretty freaky shit though. I thought maybe some government agency was going to come swooping down. Maybe it was from a plane or some shit but even when I looked up there was nothing there. So, I got the hell out of dodge because I didn't want to be around if and when the feds showed up. On the way to work the radio was all like "Oh shit, shit is falling out of the sky!" and I was like damn that's wierd, they know about it already? I didn't think too much into it.
So I get to the office and I'm kind of neffing off and I tear out this picture of a magazine that I picked up on the way to work. I'm making this like, collage thing of the girl I really wanted to bang in college. I like my wife and all but it'd be nice to get some strange for that girl so the best I can do is piece her face together on some paper. While I'm neffing I decide to grow a pair of balls and I call the Fiji information directory to ask for the college girl. That's where she said she'd be is Fiji. So, no luck there though. Guess I'm stuck with the wife for a bit at this point. I even tried a different name because I was only hanging out with that chick for a few days when she dissapeared. Maybe some illuminati shit I'm not sure. Well as I'm doing my where in the world is carmen san diego thing, my asshole boss comes up and is like "Yo man, need you to go close a deal on Harbor Island." Shit son, I'm scared of water. So, I made it out there but I couldn't get across. Whatever, at least my boss didn't fire me because he was cool with my phobia. No idea how I'm supposed to get to Fiji to bang college girl at this point.
So I get home right, and the wife is being wierd as usual. She's always happy and saying wierd crap about things she buys. I'm pretty sure she's bipolar or possibly cheating on me at work because of how happy she is. I mean what the hell man, who is that happy about freaking oatmeal and shit? Crazy bat. After I get done gardening and stuff my buddy comes over. Of course he's brought his usual six pack of beer so we're drinking and I'm like "allright this guy gets me". So I tell him about trying to leave the island and quit my shitty ass job and life. I had a flashback about me in school when I wanted to be an explorer, and my teacher was like "Yo fool, theres nothing left to explore dummy, we found it all." Way to crush a kids dreams. So get this, my idiot friend says he doesn't even know where Fiji is. So I'm like in my mind "damn, this guy is stupid." Whatever, he gave me free beer.
So later that night I'm sitting out on the beach and I start having flashbacks of my dad dying in the water. It was actually myt fault because my dad was all like "yo dawg, it's getting crazy rough out here maybe we should go back" and I was "no dad, screw you lets stay out on the water". Yeah he ended up dying that night. So I kind of beat myself up about it and why I'm scared of water. I should probably see a psychiatrist or something but, whatevs. So as I'm day dreaming it starts pissing rain and I'm like, damnit, of course. Well what was wierd was it only started to rain on me, like, where I was standing. So I move, and it moves with me! What in the hayl. Then it starts dumping. Pretty sure it was a sign from god that I suck. I dunno man life just has me down at this point. When I got home to tell my wife that I'm going to go to Fiji and that I hate this shit hole. She starts talking about money and blah blah blah, and I'm like aw cmon it's not that bad, and she's like "I want a baby blah blah blah". Whatever, what a jerk. Always thinking about herself.
So that next morning I'm driving to work and I see this homeless dude, stanky nasty and just haggard as all hell. But then I do a double take and I'm like "HOLY SHIT ITS MY OLD MAN!" and then as I'm sitting there thinking that I'm going to do this crazy ass U turn right in the middle of traffic a bunch of government agent people show up and grab this dude. I'm sitting there now like WTF just happened!? Might have been from that space ship crash thingy earlier, I mean that was probably some secret squirrel stuff and maybe he saw it. Even more reason for me to get the hell out of town. I tried to follow him anyways because the man doesn't tell me what to do, but all this shit kept getting in my way like rush our traffic from hell. Piss. He's gone. When I called my mom about this I had to ask her I was like "Yo is dad really dead? Because I'm pretty sure I saw a homeless man today that was my dad. Did dad really die or did you bang a homeless man or what because I'm pretty mentally disturbed and this would help me." She's like "nah, your dad is so dead. Really really dead. Your dad is so dead he's double dead." Yeah well we'll see.
So then I go down to my basement because I'm pretty pissed off at this point. Kind of sad. Little bit hungry. And I'm going through this old trunk and I find this sweater and it has a pin on it that says "How will it end" and man if that didn't set off some PTSD flashbacks again I'm not sure what will, so I'm thinking of my wife and me in college (she was kind of hot in her college band uniform) and that's where I saw the girl for the first time. But then my wife came up and tripped and it was like WTF bitch! And then she got me in the end...damnit. Ultimate cockblock. So she's hanging all over me and stuff and I can't get away from her to get this girls number or even her name but I'm in the library this one time, and there she is! I go over there and I talk to her (it took a lot of balls to do this) and she's like "I can't talk with you" and i'm like wut!? So at this point I go all out and I say 'Just go out with me' and she takes out a paper and writes 'now' on it and hands it to me. I was hoping it meant 'take me now' or 'do me now' but this chick has schizophrenia or something and we go running out of hte building and we run. We ran to the beach and I was about to get lucky but then this car comes roaring up like woooooaaah man what the fuck is this, and it's her old man! Double cockblock yo! Holy crap is he pissed off. He grabs her and then floors it and I never see her again. Man what a day. That's when I got her red sweater and why I had it in the trunk by the way. I didn't murder her or anything crazy. So, oh and that trunk is where I kept the collage of her face. I sometimes sneak down to the trunk for happy time.
So next day I'm driving to work and I wasn't really thinking about anything and all of a sudden my radio starts freaking out and I'm like oh my god what is it this time. I start hearing some radio chatter and it's like "He's turning west, now he's turning etc etc". Dude the feds had me pinned! They were watching me and their radio chatter was bleeding over on my tuner. I have no idea how that happened but I decide to get out and duck into a building because no way in hell the feds are going to take me alive. I push the elevator button in this random ass building I walk into and when it opens there are a bunch of dudes with headphones eating sandwiches and stuff and I'm like WTF is this? but then security escorted me out. I guess it was better than the feds finding me but still wierd as hell. So I try to work a normal day but after that morning it was crazy. I get home and just kind of survey the situation. My wife comes home and sees me in my car watching people so I tell her to get in. I show her that I can predict...every thing that is going on. Because it's all in a loop! Like. Maybe I'm going schizo, or the town is full of OCD people I dont know. It is craziness to the 10th degree. She calls me paranoid and crazy and in my mind I'm like "Note to self, divorce this bitch" but whatever. I'm going to show her what is really up, so, not thining clearly and about safety at all I floor it in reverse. I'm flying down the street and she's freaking out and she's like "stop the car you asshole!" and I'm like 'no bitch!' and we suddenly hit this random traffic jam. Of course! So I floor it again and I start taking another road out of town , but then I'm like, no F that. Nobody tells me what to do. So when I go back what do you think I see? No cars! Damn this is creepy. So I start flooring it and then all of a sudden there is a bridge. Crap I can't go on the bridge. So I floor it when I closed my eyes, and I grab my wife and I'm like "Drive hussy drive!" She's screaming, I'm screaming, it's pretty crazy. We make it over the bridge but then of course there is another obstacle saying theres a forest fire, but theres no trees on the road so I keep driving. Then theres a nuclear freaking meltdown! This shit is getting so insane its unreal! I decide that I have health insurance and it's worth the risk of cancer to get the hell away from my wife or at least find crazy girl with the smokin bod. The cops pull me over and they're sitting there, some guys in hazmat suits or so mething. They're like "yo dawg you can't go any further" and I'm like screw you! So I start running for it and I get tackled. Luckily I didn't get cancer because that was a bogus escape attempt. I wasn't really trying I don't think.
I get home after they give me a ticket and I'm just sitting there like "What in the hell is going on in my life?" and my wife starts talking about some stupid ass drink she bought in the store. I start freaking out like WTF are you talking about you crazy woman! She gets all mad and she's acting like nothing happened and I'm like you're insane! crazy! bat shit crazy at that! She gets mad and threatens me with a peeler (lol) and tells me to stay back. I dare her to stab me in the throat. I'd probably welcome a clean death like that, nice and quick. Then I'm like I'm gonna hurt her, I grab her hands and she screams 'someone stop him!' and I'm like who the hell are you talking to! At this point I'm convinced she is crazy. Either she or me. I don't know. I can't tell. All of a sudden my buddy is there with beers and she runs crying to him and I'm like jesus christ.
So we're sitting on the road again and it's night time, and I'm just sitting there like FML....FML.....FML. My buddy is trying to convince me that if it was a giant conspiracy he'd be in on it too. I guess that's kind of convincing. Maybe he is on it? I start thinking about maybe grabbing a branch and stabbing him in the neck with it, just to make sure he's not it on it but then he starts telling me that he found my dad. WHAT!? My old man, right there. It was the homeless dude like I thought. So now I'm doubly conflicted because I wanted to kill my wife, and my friend, and now my deadbeat dad is here? What the in the hell is going on here? I gave him a hug because he said he'd make it up to me. Hopefully with a large life insurance policy. This kind of made me feel a bit better so I get some sleep, and the next day I have a new coworker. She's pretty hot. The wife took off I have no idea where she's staying. Hopefully she's filing for divorce. And I'm sizing up this new girl for a potential lay. I get home and its pretty quiet since I was all by myself so after taking a huge dump I went downstairs to mess with my trunk of secret fap treasures again. I get this idea in my head though....that maybe that thing that crashed a few days ago was a camera or some shit. Maybe the house was bugged. I bet my wife was in on it! Man. So that's why I can't make it to Fiji. The feds are cock blocking! So I hatch a plan. I pretend like I fall asleep, I think I actually did for a minute but I had an arousing dream about college girl so I get up, and I make a lump under my pillows so it looks like I'm sleeping. Just in case someone tries to slit my throat in the dark. And I sneak out. So I overcome my fears and I grab a boat and I'm like: I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. So I get on the ocean and I'm doing it! I'm sailing to Fiji to get some tail! Then out of nowhere. Get this. It's like. Pitch black maybe 3AM at this point, and then BAM! The sun comes out. I thought I had a stroke but the reality was someone was faking me out this WHOLE time. I couldn't believe it. So then there comes a storm. No bullshit. From darkness at night, to sun, to storm. In like 15 seconds. I'm pretty sure god himself is trying to cock block at this point. But then I remembered my own man, and god himself aint gonna stop me from getting some awesome tail. I start screaming at him kind of like lieutenant dan does in forrest gump and I just lay there because at that point I am pretty scared and I'm probably going to die. Then I fell out of the boat and start choking on nasty sea water, I mean I was pretty screwed at that point. Then the sun came....I mean seriously man I either had like 6 strokes in a row or something...I just...I can't even explain the craziness. I decide to go towards the light and keep sailing because I mean it can't really get much worse at this point. I lost the wife. Lost my mind. My job probably. I have no idea, but whatever is on the other side of the ocean is probably no worse than what I would go back to. Then WHAMMO! I hit a wall. Yeah, a wall. Like not a beach. not the coral. A freaking WALL man! When i actually got up and looked at it, it was painted to look like the sky. So now I'm really freaking out. Maybe my wife poisoned me with acid my whole life and this is just the ultimate trip but nope, shit was painted to look like clouds. This wall actually had a bit of a ledge so I'm following it and you guessed it, theres a door. I'm about to open this door, which I figured was either the gateway to heaven or the gateway to hell and a voice starts talking to me from the sky. Like jesus christ man I have'nt been through enough god has to talk to me now? I am so gonna get therapy after this. He tells me that...get this...I've been on a tv show my whole life. So not only am I pretty shocked but I'm also like "Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit man". Thinking of all those things I thought I did in 'private'. Like, the whole world saw that? Damnit dude everyone is going to think I'm the biggest perv ever. Anyways this guy keeps rambling about how I'm the star of this show and he's pretty muched raised me (which is questionable because I have yet to see a dime from him) and he wants me to stay. Get real dude! Obviously he hasn't been watching because I was going to Fiji to get some tail! And then I walked through the door and....well that's pretty much it. Now here I am.
Oh and when I finally got to meet that crazy hot girl from college I only had a one night stand. Turns out she really was bat shit crazy so I pretty much just hit it and quit it.
And that's the story of when I was an insurance salesman.
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