So...anyone got any jokes?

[bjb86s]

Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..

"I sure do," he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my pocket."

"Could I see him?"

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?"

"Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master's pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.

About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere. The friend tells his buddy, "What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?"

 

[bjb86s]

man goes to the seattle space needle, takes the elevator to the top. when he steps out he takes note of the bartender giving a depressed man some beer. the guy at the bar looks pretty drunk, so the man doesn't say a word to him when he takes a seat and orders a drink.

a few uncomfortable minutes pass, and the depressed man jumps up and says "to hell with this, i'm gonna jump!" and opens a window and jumps out! the other man can't believe his eyes, but the bartender doesn't seem fazed at all.

the elevator bell dings and, amazingly enough, the guy who just jumped through the open window steps out of the elevator, unscathed.

the other guy is about to pee his pants, he's so shocked. he asks the drunk how he didn't get hurt.

"the secret," the drunk replies, "is when you jump out the window, make sure to think really hard and believe that you can fly. then you'll float safely down."

the other guy thinks "what a load of BS" - the drunk, noticing the look on the guy's face, says "ok, i'll prove it to you!" and jumps out of the window, once more safely returning via the elevator.

figuring the drunk must be on to something, the guy walks up to the window, takes a tentative look out and, with an encouraging shout from the drunk, steps out

and goes SPLAT on the ground.


the bartender gives the drunk man an exasperated look and sighs, "damnit, Superman, you're a real dick when you're wasted."

 

[royaldank]

What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?

A drunk runs right through it, the stoner waits for it to turn green.

 

[bjb86s]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It
doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what
happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy sh!t," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot."I happen to be a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap
my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook.

You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to
buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me
cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the
guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes,
and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or
not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a
sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and
began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all
over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

 

[hoihtah]

<< japanese astronomers responded "couldn't be better, we now have a children"
>>



hehe.... we now have a children

is that a joke on japanese people?

 

[Cyberian]

While Adam and Eve were still in the Garden of Eden, God visited them one day. He told them that He had a few gifts for them. They would have a choice over who got which gift.

His first gift was the ability to stand up and pee. Adam immediately shoved Eve aside and shouted, "I want to be the one who can stand up and pee." God gave this to Adam and he ran off into the garden, shouting, "I can pee standing up, I can pee standing up."

Eve timidly asked God what He had for her. God told her, "Honey, I am sorry, but the only gift I have left... is multiple orgasms."