I've posted a couple of these before......
so don't go bitchin' at me if you've heard them before
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets
and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train.
The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets.
He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers
on the return trip and save some money
(being clever with money, and all that).
When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom
and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.
The train departed.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom
where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said,
"Ticket, please."
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. --Rita Mae Brown
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students,
and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
The second time you will be fined $60.
A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
"Honey, I just won the lottery!
Pack your bags!"
The wife says,
"Great! What should I pack for?
The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by tonight!"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
By now, the entire bar is staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology
and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200!"
Cannibals capture three men.
The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.
Then they are each given a final request.
The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.
His request is granted, and they poison him.
The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.
This request is granted, and after he writes his letter,
they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.
Now it is the third man's turn.
He asks for a fork.
The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request,
so they give him a fork.
As soon as he has the fork
he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts,
"To hell with your canoes!"
Work Jokes
Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does.
(This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks.
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on
keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
so don't go bitchin' at me if you've heard them before
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets
and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train.
The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets.
He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.
So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers
on the return trip and save some money
(being clever with money, and all that).
When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom
and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.
The train departed.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom
where the accountants were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said,
"Ticket, please."
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you. --Rita Mae Brown
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:
"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students,
and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.
The second time you will be fined $60.
A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
"Honey, I just won the lottery!
Pack your bags!"
The wife says,
"Great! What should I pack for?
The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by tonight!"
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
By now, the entire bar is staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology
and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,
"What do you mean $200!"
Cannibals capture three men.
The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.
Then they are each given a final request.
The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.
His request is granted, and they poison him.
The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.
This request is granted, and after he writes his letter,
they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.
Now it is the third man's turn.
He asks for a fork.
The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request,
so they give him a fork.
As soon as he has the fork
he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts,
"To hell with your canoes!"
Work Jokes
Way to keep healthy level of insanity in the workplace
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does.
(This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."
4. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
6. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
7. Determine how many cups of coffee are "too many."
8. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks.
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
10. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
11. When driving colleagues around insist on
keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep 'em tuned up."
12. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think?"
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a Parakeet.
14. Sit in the parking lot at lunchtime pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
15. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.
Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
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