Shut up or ship out? Advice needed.

Czesia

Senior member
Nov 22, 2003
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So here's the situation:

Parents are extremely restrictive and can't seem to accept that their daughter has grown up and has needs very different from their own. I'm their oldest (almost 21) and their youngest is 5 yrs old. They often make the mistake of treating their older children the same way as the youngest.

The problem is that I want to have my own life and to lead it the way that I want, but still maintain a close connection with my family. They make me feel guilty for things I do that they don't "condone". These are simple things, like wanting to stay overnight at a friend's house after a party, or wanting to go on co-ed camping trips. I'm good to my entire family and love them a lot, but I feel like I'm not living out a fulfilling life right now, and never really have is some respects. Also, our disagreements lead to awful arguments and make my parents and family very "disappointed" and upset with me.

I'm a student and really don't think I could afford to move out long term, but I also realize that once I make the move, I can't move back. Ever. My bf's family has offered to let me have their basement, but I already know my family would be very upset (maybe even disown me, but I'm not too sure) plus I don't want to be a burden on his their family.

So what should I do? Stay home, or ship out? Or is there some other way to keep everyone happy, including myself? :confused:

**Edit: title
 

StageLeft

No Lifer
Sep 29, 2000
70,150
3
0
What the HELL is wrong with me? Half way through the first sentence the first word that came to my head was "PICS".

In regards to moving out, how long until you're done school? If it's a year or two I'd just put up with it in the interest of family relations, then move out when you're ready and can afford it. If you move in with the BF your parents will lose sleep at night thinking of the things you're doing with him in his basement.
 

conjur

No Lifer
Jun 7, 2001
58,686
2
0
Don't move in with the b/f. Get your own place.

Enjoy living on your own before getting into a live-in relationship. Learn the responsibilities and duties of life.
 

Czesia

Senior member
Nov 22, 2003
296
0
0
I graduate with my undergrad this year, but I still will have a long way to go (I'm planning to go into medicine). I'd prefer to live on my own, but the problem is I don't have the money to do it, and while I've tried to figure out how to make it work, I think it's reasonable to think that I couldn't possibly support myself right now. Even with enough money to pay rent, I'm not sure I'd have enough money to feed myself!

Welcome to the crappy life of the struggling student. :(
 

Czesia

Senior member
Nov 22, 2003
296
0
0
Originally posted by: new2AMD
you can always go back. they are your parents.
I'm not sure if they would let me come back. Even if they did, I already know that my mother would never let me live down that I couldn't make it on my own and that I depend on her on my dad. It's very unfortunate, but that's how she is, and I couldn't live with that. I guess it has to do with my own pride, but I don't want to be put down, because that just means being unhappy.
 

woowoo

Platinum Member
Feb 17, 2003
2,092
1
0
If dads paying your way in life, Live by his rules.
When you can pay, You make the rules.
Age does not matter
 

new2AMD

Diamond Member
Jul 18, 2001
5,312
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Originally posted by: Czesia
Originally posted by: new2AMD
you can always go back. they are your parents.
I'm not sure if they would let me come back. Even if they did, I already know that my mother would never let me live down that I couldn't make it on my own and that I depend on her on my dad. It's very unfortunate, but that's how she is, and I couldn't live with that. I guess it has to do with my own pride, but I don't want to be put down, because that just means being unhappy.
well you are going to have to deal with hard things in life, this is just one of them. My point was that no matter what, they are your parents and they wont make you stay on the streets.
 

waylman

Diamond Member
Apr 4, 2003
3,473
0
0
Originally posted by: Czesia
I graduate with my undergrad this year, but I still will have a long way to go (I'm planning to go into medicine). I'd prefer to live on my own, but the problem is I don't have the money to do it, and while I've tried to figure out how to make it work, I think it's reasonable to think that I couldn't possibly support myself right now. Even with enough money to pay rent, I'm not sure I'd have enough money to feed myself!

Welcome to the crappy life of the struggling student. :(
stop whining, suck it up, and get a student loan. if you're going into medicine, it wont take long to pay it off.
 

DannyBoy

Diamond Member
Nov 27, 2002
8,820
2
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www.danj.me
If you feel they would disown you, you have problems..

Any parent that can disown their own child is not, IMO a parent at all.
 

mugs

Lifer
Apr 29, 2003
48,903
19
81
I wouldn't move in with the boyfriend's parents. Not just because it would piss your parents off, but because you would have no place to live if and when you break up with him.

Are you Asian?
 

AmericasTeam

Golden Member
Feb 4, 2003
1,132
0
0
Originally posted by: mugsywwiii


Are you Asian?
WTF?

As an adult you should be discussing these issues with your parents. Communication is the answer. Shutting up is not.

Don't move it with your b/f because you are looking for a way out. You will definately regret it.
 

mugs

Lifer
Apr 29, 2003
48,903
19
81
Originally posted by: AmericasTeam
Originally posted by: mugsywwiii


Are you Asian?
WTF?
I don't want to appear to be racist, but it's a valid question. One thing I've learned from ATOT is that Asian parents tend to be a lot more restrictive than non-Asian parents. It's cultural, not racial. My second question would be, are they religious?
 

GT1999

Diamond Member
Oct 10, 1999
5,261
1
71
Get your own place.

Don't move in with your bf.

This is the best time of your life. Live it how you want to.
 

minendo

Elite Member
Aug 31, 2001
35,553
12
81
You stay under their roof, you follow their rules. Don't like it, then move out.

BTW, pics?
 

Saulbadguy

Diamond Member
Jan 27, 2003
5,573
10
81
Originally posted by: minendo
You stay under their roof, you follow their rules. Don't like it, then move out.

BTW, pics?
There is a difference between having rules, and being a control freak. Its sad some parents still think they own their children just because they pay for their rent and board. Especially ones who are 21 years of age..
 

rgwalt

Diamond Member
Apr 22, 2000
7,393
0
0
Well, my advice is to ship out. Don't live with the BF. If you two split up, it will be an akward situation, and you'll have to find another place to live pronto. Try to get your own place, even in med school. Take the loans and make it work. Many people do. Your medical program will be long and stressful. Do you want to spend another 6 years at home?

I'm surprised by how many people live with their folks while in college. Personally, I made it a point to go away from home for college (2.5 hours). Now I'm in graduate school a full day's drive away from home (14+ hours). I know that I'm happier being away from my parents because, while I love them, they are my parents and they want to be helpful. However, in being helpful they tend to tell me what to do. Now, if there is one thing I hate, it is being told how to live my life.

It is time you left home. You are 21 years old and almost finished with your degree. Cut the cord, break away, and start life on your own. You don't need to live with your family to stay close to them.

Ryan
 

Ranger X

Lifer
Mar 18, 2000
11,218
1
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Czesia, as long as you're supported by your parents, you should live under their roof under their rules. Parents often act the way they do because they feel they're doing the right thing and cannot see past that. My parents are the EXACT same way, except the age gap between me and my siblings aren't as large as yours.

How did I deal with my parents? I went to college. :) I lived in the dorms, lived in the apartments, and basically have been living on my own for quite some time now. I went to a college that was too far to commute but close enough for me to visit them whenever I needed to visit them. I have a job and I support myself now so I'm not under their jurisdiction anymore.

Just stick it out until you get into a med school. If you move out and get a blue-collar job to support yourself, you can practically kiss your med school dreams good-bye. Just don't add another thing to worry about in your life when you have something more important to think about .. which is obtaining higher education.
 

BlueWeasel

Lifer
Jun 2, 2000
15,929
448
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Originally posted by: Skoorb
What the HELL is wrong with me? Half way through the first sentence the first word that came to my head was "PICS".
Maybe because the keywords were daughter and almost 21? :D

 

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