[Serious] Even at late 30s++, does it still feel like you're still actively maturing and learning about yourself?

[Zeze]

It sure feels that way. I learned a lot about myself just in the last year alone - my strengths and my weaknesses. And I've learned to lean on my strengths more. It certainly feels good to say, "Yea, I'm pretty good at x y z. I can rock this." I did not have such confidence and competence just 5 yrs ago.

Same goes for realizing my neuroses and tendencies that are bad.

What are your thoughts?

 

[sdifox]

I stopped maturing mentally after I turned 18.

 

[lxskllr]

30s? I think I've matured to the point of developing mold :^D

I haven't changed much since my early 20s. My beliefs have been refined, but they're essentially the same. Experience=confidence. If you don't feel more confident doing a familiar task, you're probably doing the wrong thing.

 

[Xcobra]

Quite constantly for me actually

 

[brianmanahan]

as i get older and older, i realize that i know less and less

 

[Captante]

What is this "maturity" thing you refer to?

 

[Zeze]

Bump for more thoughts

 

[Red Squirrel]

I still feel like I should be 24 and not 34. The time from 20 to 30 went by so fast it's like it never happened. I feel like I really need to hurry up and do stuff I want to do in life because time is running out, but I don't have any money to do any of those things.

 

[sandorski]

Yes, it's something that doesn't go away.

 

[snoopy7548]

I'm mid-30s, but yeah. It's going to be different for everyone, but I feel like I'm maturing more and learning more about myself now than when I was in my 20s.

It's hard to step back and reflect on yourself, and it's even harder to change, but in the end you'll be a better person.

 

[Homerboy]

The core is the same, but the finer details get ironed out and reworked.

 

[IndyColtsFan]

I'll be 50 in a few months. To be honest, as I look back to my younger self, I am amazed at how savvy I was and how most of my predictions came true. In terms of strengths and weaknesses, I've known those for quite some time and have actively worked to my advantages for years. The only thing I care about now is getting to the point where I can retire. And by retire, I don't mean quitting working - I mean being in a position where I don't "need" a job and can do something more fulfilling.

 

[Xcobra]

How old are you, Zeze? I think it depends largely on the breadth of your experiences (and to an extent, your personality). As cliché as it sounds, nothing does this so well as traveling. So being on the road for the past few years have exposed me to so much and as brianmanahan said, the more I've become aware that I know nothing. So this has kept me learning and discovering more about life and at the same time, myself. So guys, take a risk and do something you are normally reprehensive about. Might teach ya something

 

[nakedfrog]

Definitely.

 

[shortylickens]

I stopped maturing mentally after I turned 18.

I didnt mature nearly as much as I thought I would. Or maybe its just my perception. As a kiddie you think the "grown ups" are so mature but when you become one you're more objective.
Of course, it doesn't help theres about a million successful 30-year-olds, making me feel like shit. I wish I'd led my life completely different. I could be so much more right now. Married. Happy. Winning.
Or I could also be a divorced drunk.
Who the fuck knows......

 

[dullard]

I don't think maturing is the correct word for me. But, I am actively learning about myself and always trying to improve. Much of the past few months have been me learning about my inability to do nothing. With Covid-19 shutting things down and my wife dealing with a health crisis in her family, I've been left with nothing to do for weeks. I really have to fight it every day to let myself relax and not have a project.

And now, this week I just learned there was a name for something that has been inflicting myself for my whole life. I have Cassandra Syndrome: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cassandra_(metaphor)
I've long known that no one ever believes a word of anything that I have said. This is true no matter how many studies I have to back me up, no matter how many experts say the same thing, no matter how many experiments I have to show one way works and the other ways fails, no matter how often I get the job done correctly and on time, no matter how often I do the same task the same way with robotic consistency--no one has ever believed a word that I say or trusts that I will do that task again. Now, I actually have a name for it and that others have the same syndrome. Maybe that will help me attempt fix myself.

 

[ultimatebob]

The older I get, the more I realized that my parents were right about stuff... like never trusting a politician, or that technology is a pain in the ass

 

[Xcobra]

I don't think maturing is the correct word for me. But, I am actively learning about myself and always trying to improve. Much of the past few months have been me learning about my inability to do nothing. With Covid-19 shutting things down and my wife dealing with a health crisis in her family, I've been left with nothing to do for weeks. I really have to fight it every day to let myself relax and not have a project.

And now, this week I just learned there was a name for something that has been inflicting myself for my whole life. I have Cassandra Syndrome: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cassandra_(metaphor)
I've long known that no one ever believes a word of anything that I have said. This is true no matter how many studies I have to back me up, no matter how many experts say the same thing, no matter how many experiments I have to show one way works and the other ways fails, no matter how often I get the job done correctly and on time, no matter how often I do the same task the same way with robotic consistency--no one has ever believed a word that I say or trusts that I will do that task again. Now, I actually have a name for it and that others have the same syndrome. Maybe that will help me attempt fix myself.

This is so interesting. Do you mind sharing some details about this? I ask because I have a 12 year old nephew who we constantly catch him lying but at times, I feel he makes up details that even he may not know what's true. So it's difficult to trust him. I feel you though given the situation with my nephew.

 

[dullard]

This is so interesting. Do you mind sharing some details about this? I ask because I have a 12 year old nephew who we constantly catch him lying but at times, I feel he makes up details that even he may not know what's true. So it's difficult to trust him. I feel you though given the situation with my nephew.

For me, it is probably from the fact that I am blunt and am willing to take on the "untouchable" topics. So, people get defensive around me. It is something that I have to keep working on as I learn more about myself. For example, the word "tradition" is an evil word for me. Tradition means you have not improved or updated whatever the topic is. Challenging and changing long-held beliefs is an opportunity for me but blasphemy for others. Combined with my bluntness, it does turn people off.

Suppose the topic is what to have for Thanksgiving dinner. I might notice that everyone in the group hates turkey and that everyone always complains about how dry the turkey always is. But if I broach the subject, by say, suggesting that we cook with a calibrated thermometer so that the meat isn't dry (Or even worse, suggest a main dish that the family likes to eat) that is instantly regarded as a sacrilege that I dare change the tradition. Turkey must be cooked, and it must be cooked the way it has always been cooked--no ifs, ands, or buts. I may prophecise that we'll have another miserable meal. But I am always considered wrong. Until, inevitably, we have yet another dry turkey that gets thrown out barely touched.

Mostly though, it shows itself in the form of being interrupted and shot down before I get to say what I think needs to be said. Here is a typical conversation:

Me: I think that we need to..
Them (interrupting): No, you are wrong.
Me (thinking to myself), How can I be wrong when I haven't even said the words yet?

Me: A recent study shows that...
Them (interrupting): No, that is incorrect.

Me: Last time we drove the car the brakes had a...
Them (interrupting): No, the car is red.

In frustration, I tend to either be quiet or sniper in my conclusion by skipping any lead up words. Instead of saying "Last time we drove the car the brakes had a problem that indicates they might fail", I have to blurt out "Brakes broken" before I can be interrupted. That is my only shot at getting my point across.

At work, despite being the person that everyone needs to come to to fix problems, I have been asked not to collaborate (why do we pay others), not to be authoritative (it scares others), and not to passive aggressively fix problems in the background (no one likes that). So, I sit back passively, trying to get some warnings in as best I can, and wait for the disaster to happen so they can come to me to fix it.

I basically live my life like this story of Bob Ebeling: https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo...ster-challenger-engineer-still-blames-himself

 

[dullard]

This is so interesting. Do you mind sharing some details about this? I ask because I have a 12 year old nephew who we constantly catch him lying but at times, I feel he makes up details that even he may not know what's true. So it's difficult to trust him. I feel you though given the situation with my nephew.

As for your nephew, if he feels like me, he'll think that exaggerating helps. Saying "The car's brakes are broken and you are all going to die if you drive it" gets some attention on the brakes. That exaggeration certainly get more attention than "The car's brakes are broken and I'm afraid that you'll have a hard time slowing down in the heavy traffic".

Also, he'll feel the need to look up and memorize data beforehand. If he knows topic "X" is being discussed this weekend, he'll look up as much information as he can about topic "X" and memorize the key details. He'll have more confidence about his ideas being shot down when he has backup evidence. My brother once summed my communication style up well: "you can never lose an argument if you only argue when you are right."

 

[interchange]

For me, it is probably from the fact that I am blunt and am willing to take on the "untouchable" topics. So, people get defensive around me. It is something that I have to keep working on as I learn more about myself. For example, the word "tradition" is an evil word for me. Tradition means you have not improved or updated whatever the topic is. Challenging and changing long-held beliefs is an opportunity for me but blasphemy for others. Combined with my bluntness, it does turn people off.

Suppose the topic is what to have for Thanksgiving dinner. I might notice that everyone in the group hates turkey and that everyone always complains about how dry the turkey always is. But if I broach the subject, by say, suggesting that we cook with a calibrated thermometer so that the meat isn't dry (Or even worse, suggest a main dish that the family likes to eat) that is instantly regarded as a sacrilege that I dare change the tradition. Turkey must be cooked, and it must be cooked the way it has always been cooked--no ifs, ands, or buts. I may prophecise that we'll have another miserable meal. But I am always considered wrong. Until, inevitably, we have yet another dry turkey that gets thrown out barely touched.

Mostly though, it shows itself in the form of being interrupted and shot down before I get to say what I think needs to be said. Here is a typical conversation:

Me: I think that we need to..
Them (interrupting): No, you are wrong.
Me (thinking to myself), How can I be wrong when I haven't even said the words yet?

Me: A recent study shows that...
Them (interrupting): No, that is incorrect.

Me: Last time we drove the car the brakes had a...
Them (interrupting): No, the car is red.

In frustration, I tend to either be quiet or sniper in my conclusion by skipping any lead up words. Instead of saying "Last time we drove the car the brakes had a problem that indicates they might fail", I have to blurt out "Brakes broken" before I can be interrupted. That is my only shot at getting my point across.

At work, despite being the person that everyone needs to come to to fix problems, I have been asked not to collaborate (why do we pay others), not to be authoritative (it scares others), and not to passive aggressively fix problems in the background (no one likes that). So, I sit back passively, trying to get some warnings in as best I can, and wait for the disaster to happen so they can come to me to fix it.

I basically live my life like this story of Bob Ebeling: https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo...ster-challenger-engineer-still-blames-himself

TL;DR quit whining

Am I doing it right?

 

[Xcobra]

snip

Damn, that must be really tough to live with a family like this. Have they always doubted your word? I can't imagine what this must do to someone's self-confidence. Even if you know you're right being constantly shot down and dismissed must cause a lot of pain.

As for my nephew, I think it's a bit different. We think he actually lies (we have tested this) to get attention. He's got a fucked up father so we know it comes from there. I was only curious whether his situation was similar to yours (and try to get perspective. But thanks for sharing.

 

[Captante]

Yes, it's something that doesn't go away.

I'm 56 and I feel the same way ... per my Grandfather @ 95 (RIP) its a life-long condition.

 

[ch33zw1z]

Yep, I sure do / am.

 

[Captante]

Mostly though, it shows itself in the form of being interrupted and shot down before I get to say what I think needs to be said. Here is a typical conversation:

Me: I think that we need to..
Them (interrupting): No, you are wrong.
Me (thinking to myself), How can I be wrong when I haven't even said the words yet?

Me: A recent study shows that...
Them (interrupting): No, that is incorrect.

Me: Last time we drove the car the brakes had a...
Them (interrupting): No, the car is red.

When people pull nonsense like that I have one of two approach's:

(1) If I care about you even slightly I will call you out on your $hit and as loudly as required for you to "hear" me.

(2) If however I don't care at all I will agree with you then walk away quietly laughing.


Why not put a positive spin on your situation? We'll call it job-security!