• We’re currently investigating an issue related to the forum theme and styling that is impacting page layout and visual formatting. The problem has been identified, and we are actively working on a resolution. There is no impact to user data or functionality, this is strictly a front-end display issue. We’ll post an update once the fix has been deployed. Thanks for your patience while we get this sorted.

Serious dilemma, need input from other parents.

W

warcleric

Banned
Well I have a 12 year old stepson, and he has decided that he would like to go live with his biological father. This might be a good idea because he has step-brothers and sisters there and doesnt here. I think he is pretty bored at our house, and doesnt get enough attention because we both work too much. My real dilemma is that his father and his stepmother do not make enough money to afford the lifestyle he is used to, so I am fairly certain that once he isnt getting all the things he gets at our house, he is giong to want to come back. My wife and I do not feel it is right for him to think that he can jump back and forth at his will, whenever things do go exactly as he wants them to. So inevitably we are going to have to tell him he cannot come back, as much as it hurts us to do this. What I dont want to happen is for him to feel that we have abandon him, he will of course still spend most vacation time with us, but how do we tell him that he has to stay with his dad without him feeling abandon?
 
Eh

I'm not sure if you can make a descision that won't leave him feeling a little abandon. If he's there he'll miss being spoiled and if he's with you he'll miss being with this brothers and sisters.
 
What I dont want to happen is for him to feel that we have abandon him, he will of course still spend most vacation time with us, but how do we tell him that he has to stay with his dad without him feeling abandon?

Why would he feel abandoned if he wants to live with his biological father?
 
warcleric, i'm not a parent but this is just my opinion.

i think you should give your stepson one more chance after him moving out. just let him know that if he decides to come back from his father's place, then he is stuck with you. first, because he is young, he will think that you're abandoning him if you don't take him back. second, it's not fair on his father if he can't afford it ( unless his father wants to let him stay).
 
I agree that it is a good idea for him to go. His dad is not a bad guy, and he has better access to other children to play with. I just dont want him to think that we want to get rid of him.

His father is the one who suggested it to him, so I assume he can afford it, he just cant afford all the luxuries.

The one more chance thing might be a good idea....I guess this is a bridge we will have to cross when we come to it.

Scrapster: the point was, I believe that he is going to want to come back to us, and we may have to refuse so that he doesnt think he can jump back and forth whenever he doesnt get his way.
 
I agree with bigrash man. Let him move out, let him see first hand if that is what he really wants. If he changes him mind let him move back in with you but only once. I mean how is he going to know what it is like with his dad if he doesn't try?
 
Explain the reasons why before he makes a final decision. Explain that there is a lot involved in changing his homebase and all that he will gain and lose, also explain that once he has made a choice he has to abide by that choice for a specified period of time(so it doesnt become a game of musical homes because of minor issues ), for example perhaps a year or two and then it can be reviewed again.
I had to have this talk with my daughter, its hard, especially when you want them with you, but if they have all the info they are usually happy with their final choice.
 
He has spent the last 4 summer vacations with his dad....he never even wants to stay that long...I dont know what has prompted this...but I still think it is a good idea, even if, for no other reason, he will appreciate the things we work hard to give him a little more.
 
I understand your reasoning about telling him he can't come back, but please don't tell him that. I second what bigrash9 said.
 
Make sure he understands that you love him and support his decision. At the same time, you have to explain that if he chooses to live with his biological father, that is where he will have to stay. You have to tell him that you aren't taking him back not because you don't care. Its because he has to take responsibility for the choices he makes. In the long run, its better he learns that making decisions is a process where you weigh all factors and consequences. Through all the good and bad, he made the choice and has to stick with it. Assure him you will continue to support him emotionally.
 
Why not sit him down and gently explain to him that, although you love him very much and he will always be welcome there, he is not to abuse his welcome. An example you could use is that if he gets mad at his dad or a step-silbing, and wants to come home, he needs to stick it out there and work to solve the problem. Make sure you keep the lines of communication open with him, and work with him on all of his concerns. If it gets to the point where he says he wants to come home because of the lifestyle change, consider giving him a chance, but make it clear that he can't go hopping back and forth everytime he gets upset about something.
 
er, remember that your wife may have to pay child support if your stepson goes and lives with him (assuming he is under 18). 25% of your income *poof*. at least in texas. my fathers girlfriend is having big problems right now. her ex husband makes $150,000 a year, and she has the kids and makes like $35,000. they got mad at her for making them do yard work/vaccuum the house so they went to live with daddy. now she has to sell her new house (new for her) and new car (99 accord) to pay him that 25%. sucks la.
 
12yrs old is a good time to start making decisions. Give him the chance to go live with his dad. Also leave the door open for returning to your home. I would say any decision to move has to be followed by a 1-2 month waiting period to exclude moveing back because of some disicplinary action on the part of his father or other short term problems. Make the ground rules clear before he leaves. Remember that happiness is not found in things, there is no reason that he could not find happiness with less.

There is always the issue of Child support, seems to me that legaly you could be held financialy responsible for helping support him. This is of course different state to state. But if, and it seems you can, afford it why not send a monthly check to his father, it could be a real help.
 
Ross: child support is obvious, although we would not be obligated. His father is behind in child support to my wife to the tune of $20,000+.
 
Thats rough, Yeah, you shouldn't have to pay under those conditions. I am 4months away from my child support freedom date. We have incurred a rather large debt in the last 10yrs trying to live and support a family while sending a signifiant portion of my check away every month. Sometimes there is more behind deadbeat dads then meets the eye. You know the conditions that the father is living under it may be that he is simply struggling to make ends meet. It seems that no one wins in divorce with children involved. Good luck
 
well, talk to his dad first to see if he can handle him... if he's got that much debt i dont know if you want him to be put in that kind of situation
 


<< warcleric, i'm not a parent but this is just my opinion.

i think you should give your stepson one more chance after him moving out. just let him know that if he decides to come back from his father's place, then he is stuck with you. first, because he is young, he will think that you're abandoning him if you don't take him back. second, it's not fair on his father if he can't afford it ( unless his father wants to let him stay). >>



i agree!
 
hmmm...maybe u can support him somewhat when he lives with his biological father. like an allowance of some sort u know?
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

TRENDING THREADS

Back
Top