semi dirty jokes make me laugh

[normajean]

I need a joke, please no racial jokes


A guy goes into a psychiatrists office with nothing but syran wrap on, the docter says,"well I can clearly see your nuts"

 

[loup garou]

<< I need a joke, please no racial jokes


A guy goes into a psychiatrists office with nothing but syran wrap on, the docter says,"well I can clearly see your nuts" >>



LOL, never heard that one before!

 

[Doggiedog]

HOMEWORK



A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which
human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry and said, "You should
not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire
you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy,
is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body
part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of
the
eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,

(2) you didn't read your homework, and

(3) one day you are going to be very, very disappointed>>

 

[TuffGirl]

DoggieDog, that's an oldie but a goodie.

Let's see if you like this one. I was PIMP when I first read it. Enjoy!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches..., I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, " Gosh if that fly goes down three inches ... that fish will jump for the fly ... and I will eat him.

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish leaps for it ... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

(You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but...there was more.) A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish ... that dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, "Gosh ... if that fly goes down three inches ... and that fish jumps for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish ... and that hunter shoots that bear ... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly ... the bear grabs the fish..., the hunter shoots the bear ... the mouse grabs the sandwich...the cat jumps for the mouse ... the mouse ducks...the cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: "Whenever a fly goes down three inches .... Some pussy is in danger."

 

[Xenon14]

A jew is walking in a park eating matza. He sits down next to a poor old blind man. The jew felt bad for the old man, so he handed him a piece of his matza. A few minutes later, the blind man replied, "Who wrote this junk?!"

 

[Kayes]

i got this in e-mail

thought you guys may enjoy it...

ERNIE THE HAMSTER*

* This one should be rated "PG" but it is just too good not to share with all of you. Enjoy and have a great Thanksgiving those of you in the U.S.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!


Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious,

Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.

I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "OH, Gross!" They shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient.

After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" My son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap."Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen .. Ernie is a boy." "What!?"

"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this.

So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly! What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its ... teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.

 

[royaldank]

An invisible man walks into a doctors office. Secretary tells the doc that his patient is here. Doctor says, "I can't see him."

 

[jlee75]

Kayes: that was frigging hilarious!!! thanks!

 

[royaldank]

<< A jew is walking in a park eating matza. He sits down next to a poor old blind man. The jew felt bad for the old man, so he handed him a piece of his matza. A few minutes later, the blind man replied, "Who wrote this junk?!" >>



That is good stuff. I have a few jewish friends that are going to love that.

 

[Daaavo]

This American wrestler is going into the final round of the Olympics and unfortunately he's got to go up against this undefeated Russian who's broken the backs of his two previous opponents with a patented move called "The Pretzel Hold".

In the pre-fight meeting, the coach for the American wrestler says, "If that madman gets you in the "Pretzel Hold", I'm throwing in the towel".

The American wrestler said, "Well, I appreciate it because I don't want to wind up like those two other guys".

So the match begins, and sure enough, within 30 seconds the Russian has the American in the "Pretzel Hold" and is REALLY wrenching down on him. The coach for the American is frantically looking for a towel to throw in.

The American wrestler, on the verge of losing consciousness, looks up and sees this nutsack hanging in front of his face. He figures, "What the hell", and bites it as hard as he possibly can.

Immediately, he comes flying out of the "Pretzel Hold", grabs the Russian, and pins him. The crowd goes WILD!!!.

In the after match press conference, the reporters repeatedly asked, "How in the world did you manage to pin the guy, let alone get out the "Pretzel Hold"???????" The American wrestler, paused for a minute, and then said, "It's amazing what you can do when you bite your own nutsack".

 

[Swag1138]

<<

The moral of the story is: "Whenever a fly goes down three inches .... Some pussy is in danger." >>






A good one, but Ive heard the same joke with a slightly different punch line.

"Whenever a fly drops 3 inches, a pussy gets wet"

 

[TuffGirl]

<< A good one, but Ive heard the same joke with a slightly different punch line.

"Whenever a fly drops 3 inches, a pussy gets wet" >>


AHAHAHAHA!

Good one, Swag1138! From now on, when I tell/type that joke I will use that hehe.

 

[BlueApple]

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with his friends when an exceptionally beautifull, extremely sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare & walked directly toward him.
Before he could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young woman said to him, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The man considered his proposition for a moment and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand along with his address. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

 

[Rallispec]

<< "I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," >>


Kayes, that was hilarious... definetly worth the read.. i was seriously laughing out loud.

 

[JonnyBlaze]

pt1.

An atom walks into a bar and asks the bartender
for a double. The bartender says, "why what's wrong?"
the atom says, "I lost a neutron today." The bartender
says, "are you sure?" and the atom says, "I'm positive."


JB

 

[JonnyBlaze]

pt2.



Same bar two hours later a neutron walks in and
asks the bartender for a drink, and the bartender
says, "for you?, no charge."


JB

 

[jlee75]

how was that semi dirty?

 

[Nitemare]

There's a young guy at a bar just minding his own business when a drunk comes up behind him. The drunk taps him on the shoulder and tells him, "Boy, I'm going to go home and wear your mama out tonite. I'm going to do blankety blank and blank on her".
The young man turns his back on him and continues drinking.

A little while later he gets another tap on his shoulder. The older drunk man says he is going to do this and that and make her call me daddy. The young man frowns and turns his back on the old man. Another guy at the bar can't believe what he has just heard and starts to ask the young guy about it.

A few moments later..another tap, the old man starts to say, "Boy I'm going to make her..."

Then the boy cuts in..














"Dad, will you please go home. You are drunk"

The uncensored version is alot better.

 

[StevenYoo]

<< pt1.

An atom walks into a bar and asks the bartender
for a double. The bartender says, "why what's wrong?"
the atom says, "I lost a neutron today." The bartender
says, "are you sure?" and the atom says, "I'm positive."


JB >>



the atom lost an electron, not a neutron.
i usually tell the joke with hydrogen atoms

 

[yakko]

<< "It's amazing what you can do when you bite your own nutsack". >>

hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom
loved to play together. One day, the two were playing
when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared
for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go
get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3
series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped
off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to
save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to
see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed
to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to
him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,
with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he
returned. The friendship between the two animals was
cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to
save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over,
and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing"
and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got
a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his
life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to
pick up chicks.

 

[Shermanator]

hmm

 

[Buzzman151]

<< He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house." >>





LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

 

[Big Bwana]

An old man dies and leaves his grandson his hunting musket. The young man, remembering his grandfather's hunting stories, decides "I'm gonna hunt me a bear so grandpaw can have a nice bear skin lined coffin!". So he takes the musket to the woods and finds a nice hinding place near a clearing. After a while, a huge grizzly comes ambling through the clearing and stops to sniff a particularly fragrant patch of flowers. The young man steadies himself, takes aim, and...

BANG!

Big puff of smoke and the man goes charging into the clearing. Finally the smoke clears, but there's no bear. Suddenly, there's a tap on the man's shoulder and he turns around to find the grizzly staring down at him.

"Did you just try to shoot me?" asked the bear.

"uh, yeah..." said the man.

"Well ya missed me" chuckled the bear, "and now you have to make Mr. Bear happy-gimme a blow job".

So the man does (cause the bear is pretty scary) and goes home vowing revenge. "I'm gonna git that bear! For grandpaw!" he says and heads to the hunting store to pick himself up a double barrel shotgun.

The next day the the man returns to the woods and hides in the same spot. Soon enough, the big grizzly comes walking through the clearing. The man steadies himself, takes aim, and...

BANG! BANG!

Big huge puff of smoke, the man jumps up and runs into the clearing. Finally the smoke clears, but no bear again. As the man is cursing his aim, there's a tap on his shoulder.

"Did you just try to shoot me again?" growls the bear.

"yeah" mutters the man.

"Well, ya missed me...again. And now you have to make Mr. Bear happy-bend over".

So the man does (cause the bear is really scary) and the bear has his way with him.

Now the man is really pissed off. He didn't care about the bear skin, he didn't care about his departed granddad. Now it was personal...

"I'm gonna git that bear if it's the last thing I do!" the man swears as he walks into the hunting shop to pick himself up an Elephant Gun.

The next day, the man returns to the same hiding place next to the same clearing to wait for the same bear and as it did the previous two days, the bear returns. The man steadies himself, takes aim, and...

BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG

Big puff of smoke, the man jumps up and runs into the clearing.

"Now I know I got him...nothing could have survived that!" thinks the man. But when the smoke clears, there is no bear. Slowly the man turns around and finds the grizzly standing there with a grin on his face.

"You don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 

[MaxDepth]

How can you tell the difference between a male chromosome and a female chromosome?

Pull down their genes.

 

[tommigsr]

a guy walks into a bar and says "ow"