Scholarship Essay....can someone give me a hand?

[geno]

Can someone help me improve this a little? It seems kinda bland - any input is appreciated 🙂 It explains why I'll be pursuing a career in technology, and tells why I deserve the scholarship:

Technology is becoming a bigger part of our lives every day. Perhaps that?s why I like learning about it so much. Having a job that?s technically oriented interests me greatly as well. I have been working for a local Internet Service Provider for the past year and a half, and I can confidently say I will be pursuing a career that?s centered around computers. I?ve always had a knack for dealing with computers and electronics, and I?ve always been quick to learn something new. I believe it?s my eagerness to learn that causes me to want a technological career.
Working in an environment that?s computer related has taught me much. It?s given me a taste of what the real world is like, and how to deal with unexpected problems that may arise. I have also learned how to adapt to different positions as well, which is most likely due to my openness, and the fact that I like to learn a little of everything. Also, the fact that I?ve already been instilled with good work ethics is extremely valuable to me. Most of all, I believe my perseverance is what sets me apart as someone who will put this award to good use. I?m determined to finish college, and to finish is strong.

 

[GasX]

Are you limited to one Paragraph?

Try doing this:

Take what you have written and bullet point each sentence. For each sentence, explain (or write) what you meant by it. Then condense it back down to one paragraph. It sounds strange, but it is an effective technique.

Also, your last 2 sentences makes no sense...

A simple change might be:



<< I?m determined to not only complete my degree, but also to leave school with the education and knowledge I need to succeed in my career. >>

 

[Moonbeam]

yup, and to finish is strong makes no sense to me.

 

[visgf]

Don't start so many of your sentences with I.
Combine a few of your shorter sentences into longer, more meaningful sentences.
Try to use more descriptive words that paint a more vivid picture rather than &quot;knack&quot;.
Write in a more active tone, not the passive.

Just a few ideas.

 

[geno]

Sorry, that should be &quot;finish it strong&quot; 😉 And I was trying to vary the sentance beginnings a little, but it still came out with &quot;I&quot; in the beginning a lot 😱

 

[visgf]

Those were some common mistakes that I was taught to look for in high school (by a teacher coaching us on scholarship essay writing). Just thought I would pass along the knowledge.

 

[geno]

visgf, I took everything into account. It seemed like I had made a lot of small and empty sentences...It's been a while since I've written anything like this 😱

 

[Mountain]

The word &quot;much&quot; at the end of one of your sentences sounds a little abrupt and strange.
Do you have any specifics to demonstrate your enthusiam and tenacity beside &quot;working in computer whatever&quot;. could you tell what your job responsiblities were in a brief but impressive way? were you a secretary or errand boy or did you do any computer work or maybe networking? did you obtain any certification? do you have any school work or clubs or activities that demonstrate effort? Avoid abbreviations, it makes it look like you're lazy. (like i just was). Leave out &quot;perhaps&quot;. It makes you sound &quot;uncertain&quot; which you are not. Type the thing out on &quot;word&quot; and see what corrections it likes.
&quot;Causes me to want&quot; equals something like &quot;motivates me toward&quot;
&quot;working in a computer related environment has given me a taste...(combine two sentences)
&quot;instilled with good work ethics&quot; sounds like you stood there and somebody poured something in. I understand what you mean but make it sound better.
What &quot;award&quot; are you talking about. find another word