russian jokes

[lyssword]

found some on wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes
those 2 I found the funniest
"A Chukcha sits on the shore of the Bering Strait. An American submarine emerges. The American captain opens the hatch and asks: "Where did the Soviet submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "North-North-West, bearing 149.5 degrees" "Thanks!" says the American, and the submarine submerges. Ten minutes later a Soviet submarine emerges. The Russian captain opens the hatch and asks the Chukcha: "Where did the American submarine go?" The Chukcha replies: "North-North-West bearing 149.5 degrees" "Stop pulling my leg," says the Russian. "Just point with your finger!""

KGB joke
"An international team of scientists is excavating an Egyptian pyramid. They find an unmarked mummy. The German scientists get it first, study it for a month, finally release a study proving it's from the Middle Kingdom. The US team goes in, does their thing for a week, then announce the mummy is from the 19th dynasty. Then the Russian scientists go in, come out a day later, and announce it's Amenhotep the III, 19th Dynasty, 53 years of age, ruler of Egypt for 37 years. Everyone is stunned: "How did you figure that?" The Russians smile: "Oh, he confessed."

Ok now please don't hate me

 

[HamburgerBoy]

The first one gets a ?/10. What's the joke, that Russians are stupid? The second one gets a 6/10 though.

 

[lyssword]

1-st is about russians having simple solutions. The joke is russians making fun of themselves. Also Chuckha's (equal to natives in alaska) in russia are stereotypically uncivilized, and the twist is that they are the ones that give complicated directions to russians, who don't get it, is funny. Well I guess to understand jokes you need to know the context. My first 12 yrs of life, I grew up in Russia so I guess thats why it is funnier to me

 

[Dangerer]

now that i get it, it's not so funny anymore

 

[spunkz]

in soviet russia, jokes tell you

 

[dighn]

Originally posted by: lyssword
1-st is about russians having simple solutions. The joke is russians making fun of themselves. Also Chuckha's (equal to natives in alaska) in russia are stereotypically uncivilized, and the twist is that they are the ones that give complicated directions to russians, who don't get it, is funny. Well I guess to understand jokes you need to know the context. My first 12 yrs of life, I grew up in Russia so I guess thats why it is funnier to me

so that's why that joke made no sense at all to me

the second one is good

 

[lyssword]

bah yeah now that I thought about it those jokes are not that funny, because they are just some examples from wiki. I did laugh tho when I was reading those Well now that I thought about the jokes, a lot of them rely on the knowledge of context or stereotypes.

 

[theeedude]

Vovochka looks at his mom trying on her new fur coat and says:
-Mom, you know this fur coat is a result of terrible suffering by a poor, unfortunate animal.
Mother looks at him strictly and says:
-How dare you speak that way about your own father?

 

[HamburgerBoy]

Originally posted by: senseamp
Vovochka looks at his mom trying on her new fur coat and says:
-Mom, you know this fur coat is a result of terrible suffering by a poor, unfortunate animal.
Mother looks at him strictly and says:
-How dare you speak that way about your own father?

ROFL!

10/10

 

[theeedude]

Originally posted by: HamburgerBoy

Originally posted by: senseamp
Vovochka looks at his mom trying on her new fur coat and says:
-Mom, you know this fur coat is a result of terrible suffering by a poor, unfortunate animal.
Mother looks at him strictly and says:
-How dare you speak that way about your own father?

ROFL!

10/10

It's from here.
http://www.anekdot.ru/oppop/top/jxf9511-0603,100,100.html
You can go to translate.ru and translate some of them.

Husband and wife are talking.
-Dear, can you tell me when you are having an orgasm?
-But dear, I don't think I should be calling you at work about it!


-My heart aches when I see these animals preserved in alcohol.
-Come on, it's just three frogs
-Exactly, three frogs, but 10 liters of alcohol.


In a company of men, everyone is having fun and drinking, only one is sad.
-Alex, what's upsetting you?
-My wife was diagnosed with AIDS... I am just kidding, guys! Why did you all get so pale all of the sudden?

 

[n7]

OMG haha :laugh:

Good stuff senseamp, you've saved this thread!

 

[lyssword]

Ok one of the jokes translated by me:
Chrysler Company, as an experiment, installed Black Boxes that recorded the last words of drivers before the accident, on the latest model of Jeep Grand Cherokee. A year later the results were collected. What was interesting, that in the U.S 67.4% of the drivers' last words were "oh sh1t"
But in Russia in 96.5% of accidents, the last words of a driver were:
"hey dudes look what I can do..."

 

[lyssword]

an American,a Hindu, and a Russian went to hell. The Satan greeted them and says:
-to everyone, who comes here, I give a chance to go to Heaven
And he pulls out a giant whip (bigger than Harrison Ford's in "Last Crusade"):
-whoever can withstand 3 hits without screaming, I will let go! You can protect yourself with whatever you want.
First came the American.
-what do you want to protect yourself with?
The American picked up a huge granite stone
-I'm ready!
The beast swings the first time and.. the stone went to smithereens. Second time- and the American screamed like crazy.
-Next, - says the Satan.
Out comes the hindu.
-What are you going to defend yourself with?
-With nothing, replies the Hindu, - I practiced yoga for 80 years and in meditation my body doesn't feel the pain.
-Ok fine
First hit: Hindu: - oshhh
Second hit: Hindu- oshhh
Third hit: Hindu- oshh
-dam you &*@#$.. Nobody ever could take 3 hits.- says the satan. -Oh well you are free to go to heaven.
-No, says the Hindu, - I want to stay behind and see. In all the russian jokes, russians always win. I want to see how does it happen this time?
-Ok, fine you can stay.
-Well, what are you going to defend yourself with? - says beast to the Russian
- Defend with what? - with Hindu, of course...

.
In the morning after December 31, the telephone survey gave the following results to a question: 2% of the questioned replied Yes?, 3% said "Hello who is this?". The other 95% of had a difficulty in answering the question.


A lesson in math. The teacher gives Vovochka a question:
-Imagine, I give you $200. You give $50 to Masha, $50 to Lena, and $50 to Natasha. What will you have?
Vovochka:
-A foursome

 

[dwell]

Two men meet on the street and one of them asks the other, Is it true that you formed a musical group? ?Yes, a quartet.? How many? ?Three.? Who? ?Me and my brother.? You have a brother? ?No.?

 

[Mucho]

I never thought of Russian as being funny people.

 

[AnyMal]

Patient: "Doctor, will I be able to play piano after the surgery?"
Doctor: "Of course, why not?"
Patient: "Amazing! I never knew how to do that before!"


Patient: "Doctor, is there any hope for me?"
Doctor: "Well, it depends on what you're hopinng for"

A man wearing a white labcoat walks into a patient's room and asks him for his height.
Patient: "Doctor, why do you need to know my height?"
Man: "Oh, I am not a doctor. I'm a carpenter"

 

[JDrake]

:laugh: I like the later jokes

 

[bigrash]

Originally posted by: joedrake
:laugh: I like the later jokes

me too :laugh:

 

[Dualist]

Vovochka looks at his mom trying on her new fur coat and says:
-Mom, you know this fur coat is a result of terrible suffering by a poor, unfortunate animal.
Mother looks at him strictly and says:
-How dare you speak that way about your own father?

Now that really gave me a chuckle. :laugh: