enjoy! 
Rules for Computer Technical Support
1. When a Tech says he's coming right over, log out and go
for a coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure
to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed
animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a
life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When tech support sends you an email with high
importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public
groups.
4. When a tech is eating his lunch at his desk, walk right
in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist
only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
5. When a tech is at the water cooler or outside having a
smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or
smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have e-mail or a
telephone line.
6. Send urgent e-mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server
picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the
bilingual greeting that say's he's out of town for a week, record your
message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the
director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common
courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer
support. There's electronics in it, right?
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home,
call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
10. When something is wrong with your home PC, dump it on a
tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the
problem. We love a good mystery.
11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through
changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO
anything, we just love to hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't
bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after its done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20
times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send
the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel
free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your
coworkers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am
fixing them.
17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter
past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly
dizzy.
18. Don't ever think of us. We love this AND we get paid for
it!
19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new
software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on
your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture
of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables
were designed to have 25kg of computer sitting on top of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it
on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin
crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
22. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on the
Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be
doing it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know
nothing about this computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of
professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech
support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal
with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone
as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and
processor capacity on that mail server.
27. Don't even think about breaking large print jobs down into
smaller chunks. God forbid someone else might get a chance to squeeze into
the queue.
28. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a
Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery
store on weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him
come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll
be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6 makes your access
database flip out.
30. When you bring us your own no-name brand home PC to repair
for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so that your
son can get back to playing Quake. We'll get right on it because we have so
much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet
all day anyway.
Rules for Computer Technical Support
1. When a Tech says he's coming right over, log out and go
for a coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
2. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure
to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed
animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a
life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When tech support sends you an email with high
importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the public
groups.
4. When a tech is eating his lunch at his desk, walk right
in and spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We exist
only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.
5. When a tech is at the water cooler or outside having a
smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we drink water or
smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have e-mail or a
telephone line.
6. Send urgent e-mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server
picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the
bilingual greeting that say's he's out of town for a week, record your
message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the
director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common
courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer
support. There's electronics in it, right?
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home,
call computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from here.
10. When something is wrong with your home PC, dump it on a
tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no description of the
problem. We love a good mystery.
11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through
changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO
anything, we just love to hear ourselves talk.
12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't
bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after its done.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20
times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.
14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send
the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel
free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your
coworkers. We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am
fixing them.
17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter
past one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly
dizzy.
18. Don't ever think of us. We love this AND we get paid for
it!
19. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new
software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on
your computer.
20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture
of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables
were designed to have 25kg of computer sitting on top of them.
21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it
on the mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin
crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.
22. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on the
Yes button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be
doing it, would you?
23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know
nothing about this computer crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of
professional expertise referred to as crap.
24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech
support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and
Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear physics.
25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal
with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.
26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone
as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and
processor capacity on that mail server.
27. Don't even think about breaking large print jobs down into
smaller chunks. God forbid someone else might get a chance to squeeze into
the queue.
28. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a
Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at the grocery
store on weekends.
29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him
come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. We'll
be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6 makes your access
database flip out.
30. When you bring us your own no-name brand home PC to repair
for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so that your
son can get back to playing Quake. We'll get right on it because we have so
much free time at the office. Everybody knows all we do is surf the Internet
all day anyway.
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