The first shot with the hand stroking the glass was terrific.... but that's where the excitement fell off for me. Filmmaking is not nearly as easy as everyone makes it out to be, and I'm sure you have taken a lot of crap on these forums simply because people want to verbally abuse you. I thought I would attempt to add some more specific constructive criticisms and issues to think about.
Pacing: Both editing and storyline progression. The physical editing doesn't allow the viewer to be drawn into any kind of narrative flow, in a lot of ways you actually break down any rhythm of the on screen action. Part of this is simply the design - you're attempting to show a number of layers simultaneously, but in this case it really doesn't work well. As for the editing technique - simple because you use soft dissolves and fade cuts doesn't mean the transition is smooth. You should try to think about colors, shapes and positioning from an editing standpoint before you start shooting - it will yield better, smoother results. Also, the pacing of the story doesn't allow the viewer to sympathize with any of the characters. Immediately we are introduced to a couple after some random imagery, only to see someone holding a gun in they're pants. Right away you are throwing all the cards on the table and instead of investing any concern in the characters, its much easier for the viewer to concentrate on what the "plot twist" will end up being.
Camerawork: Simply said - it's not good. I'm a bigger fan than most of camera movement, but in this case it simply contradicts the mood. The on screen action is static, yet the camera seems to hover around without any real motivation (than possibly the fact that a tripod was not available). For example - if you used more static camera setups or dolly shots for the first section - that would intensify the handheld work during the robbery scene, which would serve to actually compliment and enhance the emotion behind the shot, but instead the camera movement is so frequent it becomes diluted. Oh yes, and my biggest gripe: IF YOU ARE GOING TO SHOOT ON VIDEO, USE MANUAL FOCUS!!!!! It looks like the focus was dropped on a number of occasions - even handheld shots should be planned to the point that you could manually focus throughout, so take your time with this stuff. The aperture/exposure was not where it should have been for some of the shots.
Lighting: The two girls talking at the table looked good overall. The rest was lacking. The bar scenes seemed too dark (couldn?t make out surroundings) and the lighting on the characters was too harsh for my tastes - especially the light behind the woman's head. The outdoor shots looked a bit bland which can't always be controlled (especially on a budget without shooting permits) but some of the setups didn't make sense. Like showing the gunwoman in the foreground in a shadow while the background is incredibly bright - it takes away the idea that she has complete control over the scene - having her dominated by the surroundings make her far less threatening.
Writing: The script is weak and cliché. IMO, this is the hardest part of making a film or video to begin with, so it is forgivable. But in all honesty, the video is so weak from a cinematic standpoint that the flatness of the storyline really stands out. With a weak story, it is the director and cinematographer's job to make it interesting visually and bring the most that they can out of it.
Music: IMO, I hated the score. It was annoying and I felt took away from the video - it served as a bridge between the different places and times, tying them together as one story but it was bland and felt like it dragged the whole thing to the ground.
Sound Design: I don't want to comment too heavily as you say this is in the works - but thus far it appears as though nothing has been done, and it currently is home video quality. Even out the dialogue levels as best you can (though it seems little attention was paid to mic placement during the shoot) and spice up the scenes with background noise - bring the locations to life!
I suppose that's all I've got after watching it twice - if you want to PM and discuss more, I'd be more than happy to! I also wanted to say I think it takes guts to put out something you invest in and it can be insanely difficult to take criticism, but in the end it's all a learning experience. Art, and especially cinema, is far more than your vision, or what you create - it is also about how the viewer interacts and responds to it. So don't take anything anyone says as a personal insult, take it as a challenge to push yourself to create something that will blow them away. And honestly ? the first glass shot was phenomenal, the focus, the lighting, the framing, the color, the mise-en-scene, everything was perfect!!
