Resume wording help

[FDF12389]

Ok heres the resume:

http://lts.cr/oD9

Thanks for the help everyone! Be brutal!

 

[Fritzo]

I fell asleep halfway though that "As the first analyst..." sentence. Shorten it up to something like "In charge of training, documentation, and productivity." All of it needs to be condensed.

I help evaluate resumes and the ones with wordy, over-descriptive sentences get passed over quickly. We want to look at a resume and in one minute know what you can do. Save the lengthy descriptions for the interview.

 

[Oil]

I read it a few times and still don't know what you actually did. Be clear and concise

 

[Vette73]

Stop telling stories and just get to the point of your skills, knowledge, and abilities are.

I have eight Ads and will have to go over HUNDREDS of resumes and that piss’s me off to no end.
Example…
“Contracted for seven months to help reduce the workload in the network security group.”

WTF does that mean? Hell to me that could mean you were the coffee guy and saved the real workers time by getting their coffee in the morning.
Then after that you throw in some fancy terms like HIPPA, which I hope you did not mean to say HIPAA. You know the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act? But don;t really say how you worked with/around them.

Not trying to be mean but please re-read it all and if it is not addressing your KSA’s and to the point, let alone the HIPPA thing, then change it. HR people see hundreds of resumes. If you put down a bunch and gibberish they will skip it or miss what your KSA’s are. Save the BS for the interview.

 

[Texashiker]

Here ya go

I was the guy who took over projects when the assigned engineer was absent for whatever reason.

 

[FDF12389]

I think I may need to hire a resume coach. I constantly feel I'm not good at it, and never really happy with the end result.

 

[Vette73]

post it here. Many have and you will get a honest opinion not only from us HR stiffs but others that have little to a lot of exp in your field or working with.
A resume should list your KSAs (Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities) and get to the point quickly. Save the long stories or spelling out of your KSAs for a interview. With a resume you are trying to get someones attention and say "I am qualified for this job and I am not a douche bag to work with..."

 

[artikk]

No need for a resume coach, research online how to build a better resume.

 

[Jaepheth]

Suggestions in red:

I need a sentence or two to state that I was the guy who took over projects when the assigned engineer was absent for whatever reason. Be it medical, bereavement, unexpected termination, etc.
"When other pimps be trippin'; I be all up in their shit."

Also I don't like the way I worded the following segments, any feedback is greatly appreciated!

"As the first analyst assigned to this newly created role created training processes and documentation removing dependencies on other resources for training, resulting in higher overall department productivity. "
"I's the original motherfucka what done telled how it be. Keepin' the bangers rollin' hard, see?"

"Contracted for seven months to help reduce the workload in the network security group. Tasked with analyzing and reconciling access level changes for over 48,000 employees. Other tasks included new account provisioning, access level auditing, and report generation. All documentation was Sarbanes Oxley, PCI, and HIPPA compliant. "
"Pimped out the NetSec like a motherfucka. We's talking thousands of hos, bitch. Ain't no one disrespectin' that shit."

Thanks again

Disclaimer: The vast majority of my knowledge of gang culture comes from the Grand Theft Auto and Saints Row franchises.

 

[Gibson486]

From what I have heard, headhunters for engineering jobs see right through those exaggerated statements. If you did things in a lead role, just say so, but do not fluff it up. Just state your skills. It's not a lie if you did it, but don't fluff things up to make it seem like it's something better than it really is.

 

[FDF12389]

post it here. Many have and you will get a honest opinion not only from us HR stiffs but others that have little to a lot of exp in your field or working with.
A resume should list your KSAs (Knowledge, Skills, and Abilities) and get to the point quickly. Save the long stories or spelling out of your KSAs for a interview. With a resume you are trying to get someones attention and say "I am qualified for this job and I am not a douche bag to work with..."

Ok, here's my first draft. I still need to update the technical summary, but I would love honest feedback on the rest.

http://lts.cr/oD9

 

[FDF12389]

Suggestions in red:


Disclaimer: The vast majority of my knowledge of gang culture comes from the Grand Theft Auto and Saints Row franchises.

:thumbsup::thumbsup:

Thanks for the laugh

 

[FDF12389]

From what I have heard, headhunters for engineering jobs see right through those exaggerated statements. If you did things in a lead role, just say so, but do not fluff it up. Just state your skills. It's not a lie if you did it, but don't fluff things up to make it seem like it's something better than it really is.

See that's the thing, I feel I have a lot of accomplishments and I'm not trying to fluff things, I just have a hard time communicating that value on paper.

I think my biggest problem is all the contradicting information online, I have no idea what my resume should look like.

 

[Vette73]

See that's the thing, I feel I have a lot of accomplishments and I'm not trying to fluff things, I just have a hard time communicating that value on paper.

I think my biggest problem is all the contradicting information online, I have no idea what my resume should look like.

When you list stuff you need to put it in a way that shows your KSAs off and not tell a story.

Like before you said
"Contracted for seven months to help reduce the workload in the network security group.”
I have no idea what you did or how you did it.


Instead say something like...
"At XYZ corp I was able to re-write some of the Oracle SQL database to streamline the Key functions from the outdated dataset to help take the load off the network security group."

In that you still had a little story but also showed you know SQL, Oracle, and also how to fix older software issues that cause issues. Also could add another sentance on how you and the network security group worked together to keep things moving, i.e. team player, not douche bag that thinks he knows better then everybody else.
If I, HR Monkey, was told to find a Database guy or someone that knows SQL, Oracle, etc... I might pass you on to the selecting person depending on the rest of your resume. If all I saw was your first part I put it in the fluff and shread pile.

 

[FDF12389]

When you list stuff you need to put it in a way that shows your KSAs off and not tell a story.

Like before you said
"Contracted for seven months to help reduce the workload in the network security group.”
I have no idea what you did or how you did it.


Instead say something like...
"At XYZ corp I was able to re-write some of the Oracle SQL database to streamline the Key functions from the outdated dataset to help take the load off the network security group."

In that you still had a little story but also showed you know SQL, Oracle, and also how to fix older software issues that cause issues. Also could add another sentance on how you and the network security group worked together to keep things moving, i.e. team player, not douche bag that thinks he knows better then everybody else.
If I, HR Monkey, was told to find a Database guy or someone that knows SQL, Oracle, etc... I might pass you on to the selecting person depending on the rest of your resume. If all I saw was your first part I put it in the fluff and shread pile.

Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. What do you think of the Use of "Key Effects" sections?

 

[AreaCode707]

For anyone considering going to a professional resume writer, try going through the JobFox application process instead. They will make you fill out about a half hour of detailed info about yourself, and that's a pain in the ass, but they will send you a personalized, real person critique of your resume a few days later and it's surprisingly thorough and good. They then try to sell you further resume services, but at that point you've got most of the major pointers you need.

A half hour of effort and going into their database (from which I never got spam or follow up calls) is a pretty good stand in for payment, in my opinion.

 

[Gibson486]

For anyone considering going to a professional resume writer, try going through the JobFox application process instead. They will make you fill out about a half hour of detailed info about yourself, and that's a pain in the ass, but they will send you a personalized, real person critique of your resume a few days later and it's surprisingly thorough and good. They then try to sell you further resume services, but at that point you've got most of the major pointers you need.

A half hour of effort and going into their database (from which I never got spam or follow up calls) is a pretty good stand in for payment, in my opinion.

It's not personalized at all....

Dear Gibson486,
I'm the Jobfox resume expert who was assigned to evaluate your resume. I reviewed your resume with the goal of giving you an honest, straightforward assessment of your current resume, and not a judgment of your skills and qualifications. I should warn you about my style: I'm direct and to the point, so I hope you won't be offended by my comments. My goal is to help you present yourself to potential employers in the best possible light, increasing your odds of landing a job you want.


So, let’s get started on reviewing your resume:
Here’s the good news: My first impression of you is that you have an impressive array of skills and experiences. You’re a qualified Engineer with a lot to offer an employer. Now, here’s the bad news: Your resume does not pass the 30-second test, and the content is not up to the standards one would expect from a candidate like you. Countless studies have proven that resume quality is the key determinant as to whether a candidate is selected to be interviewed. Your resume needs a boost from a visual, content, and overall writing standpoint to engage the reader. It needs to make them want to learn more about you. I didn’t find it to be exciting, and it didn’t make me want to run to the phone to call you. In short, your resume is effectively sabotaging your job search.

Gibson486, your resume is missing key elements that we see on the best resumes at your level of experience. Here are the major issues I see on your resume:


Your resume's visual presentation
The resume I am viewing for your critique is in plain text format, so I will only make one comment on the visual presentation. I do, however, have more than enough information to comment on the content, sequence, and grammatical elements and they are the most important factors to consider in a resume. Regarding the text version of your resume, it looks like you converted it from another file format and did not delete the extraneous characters. I recommend you create a cleaned up text version of your resume that can be used on sites that require you to cut and paste your resume into a form or upload a text version. I assume you have a Word version of your resume that you use for interviews and uploading to sites that accept Word. If you have a Jobfox profile, be sure to upload the Word version. It will be typically much more visually appealing to employers when you have designed it correctly.



The content of your resume
As I was reading your resume, I was trying to imagine myself as a hiring executive, looking for that ideal Engineer. When I reviewed your resume, I asked myself if I could easily pick out your key attributes, experience, skills and accomplishments. A recruiter will do this to quickly decide if you’ll be successful in the job they have open. When I read your resume, the answer to that question was “no.” Here is one of the reasons why:
Your resume didn’t include a summary section, which stood out to me as a key deficiency. People at your level almost always include this critical element to compel the hiring manager to keep reading. The career summary content should provide hiring managers with a brief, yet detailed synopsis of what you bring to the table. The purpose of this section is to define you as a professional and cover those areas most relevant to your career level and job target. By not having this, you are making it easier for the reviewer to say “pass” when your resume is given the customary cursory glance.
From the way the resume is worded, you come across as a “doer,” not an “achiever.” Too many of your job descriptions are task-based and not results-based. This means that they tell what you did, instead of what you achieved. This is a common mistake for non-professional resume writers. To be effective and create excitement, a great resume helps the hiring executive “envision” or “picture” you delivering similar achievements at his or her company. Here are some examples of task-based sentences in your resume:

• Responsible for lab bring up and test stations
• Developed schematics to provide fabrication plans for prototypes

Employers want to know about your previous contributions and specifically how you’ve made a difference. More importantly, they want to know how you are going to make a significant difference at their company.
When I read your resume, I didn’t find compelling language that brings your work to life. I saw many passive words and non-action verbs. Phrases like “responsible for” and “developed” are overused, monotonous, and add no value to your resume. Strong action verbs, used with compelling language to outline exemplary achievements, are essential parts of a well-constructed resume.
Now, let’s put it all together. Here’s a real life example taken from a former client’s resume. By changing the language, we helped improve the perception of the candidate.

• Passive language/ Doing: Duties include dealing with difficult customer service issues
• Action language/ Achieving: Entrusted with the most complex customer service issues as a result of exceptional ability to promptly resolve concerns and satisfy customers.

A change like this makes a dramatic improvement. I hope you can see the difference when we implement action verbs, achievements, and results.

The writing on your resume
It’s easy to overlook errors in your resume. They could be typographical errors, inconsistent verb tenses, grammatical errors, punctuation problems, or misspelled words. You’ve rewritten the resume and proofed it multiple times so you may not notice the issue. But errors can be the kiss of death for your resume. Recruiters are reading your resume with fresh eyes, and they’re experts at finding errors. A misspelled word or punctuation error may not seem like a big deal, but to an employer these errors demonstrate unprofessionalism and a lack of attention to detail. That’s not the impression you want to leave. I spotted at least one of the above-mentioned errors on your resume.
My recommendation
Your resume is selling you short, and I recommend that you make the investment in having it professionally rewritten. Professional resume writers are skilled at writing a resume for the job you aspire to have. They are trained to help move you up the ladder in your field. They are also skilled at taking what you have done in the past and translating it to show how it is relevant to other industries or professions.

Many people ask a friend or colleague to help them write a resume. Sadly, unless they are an experienced, certified resume writer this is usually a big mistake. Companies now use electronic tools to capture, evaluate, and screen incoming resumes, so your resume must be organized with the right structure, keywords, and format to be “processed” by a resume tracking system properly. It must be designed to identify select, and track you as a qualified candidate. This is known as keyword optimization and most non-professionals are not well-versed in this technique.
Putting your best resume forward now is critical. The sooner you invest in having your resume professionally written, the faster you increase your odds of landing a job you want. Once your old resume goes into a company’s database, it stays there permanently and could affect your candidacy for other jobs at that company as well. You will be amazed when you see the difference a professionally-written resume can make in presenting your credentials.
As I’m sure you know, be certain to send a cover letter when you forward your resume directly to a recruiter or hiring executive for a specific job. A well-written cover letter can give you a valuable edge over other candidates with similar skills. It’s the best way to make a memorable appeal that grabs attention and personally links you to the job. Use it to explain why you are uniquely qualified for the specific role. Jobfox can craft a custom cover letter that distinguishes you from the crowd (and it’s free when you purchase a professionally-written and formatted resume.)
Why Have Your Resume Rewritten by Jobfox?
To encourage you to make the investment now, we are offering our best price on our resume writing services in the first 7 days after you view your resume evaluation. Save $75 off our standard price of $399. In addition, we are the only resume service that offers the option to pay for your resume in installments. We spread the cost over six months to make our service affordable for everyone.
If you purchase in the next 7 days, you have the option to make a one-time payment of $324 (a $75 savings), or six monthly payments of $59.00. Either way, you will still have your new documents back in 4-6 business days so you can improve your chances of getting hired quickly.

They send the same email out to everyone with one or two specific examples.

 

[Gibson486]

See that's the thing, I feel I have a lot of accomplishments and I'm not trying to fluff things, I just have a hard time communicating that value on paper.

I think my biggest problem is all the contradicting information online, I have no idea what my resume should look like.

That is the thing...if you want to take a lead position, you are not going to apply to a non lead position. If you do apply for a non lead position, then you obviously are not going to say you were the interim lead engineer because the position does not call for the responsibility. Instead, you apply for a lead position and back up why you are qualified for it. What matters is that you have the skills to do it. Being the interim lead is not a skill. i could make the same claim at my previous job and I was a junior engineer.

 

[Gibson486]

Also, convert it to a .doc file. Not everyone uses .docx yet.

 

[Gibson486]

[FONT=Tahoma, serif]Innovative IT professional who takes pride in resolving complex problems with basic technology, getting the most from a company’s technology investment. Recognized as a tenacious researcher and solutionist focused on making technology work. Skilled at breaking complex issues into understandable and [/FONT][FONT=Tahoma, serif]executable tasks. [/FONT]

[FONT=Tahoma, serif]This is the reason why they say not to include an objective. Unless you are moving industries, I'd get rid of it. Aside from the last sentence, it's kind of a large blanket statement. In other words, it does not tell them anything. You are "[/FONT][FONT=Tahoma, serif]resolving complex problems with basic technology". What if the need is not to solve stuff with "basic technologies" and they need a guy who is going to work with the latest and greatest that is all but basic? [/FONT]

 

[crashtestdummy]

You're trying too hard to make yourself sound impressive. Simplify your language. You'll get a lot more across by simply stating your job description than trying to BS what you think the other person wants to hear. For example:

Contracted to stabilize end user experiences for over 20,000 associates during key migrations and assist the server team with a project backlog. Resolve any collaboration, email, PC, and virtual machine problems that remain unresolved after exhausting all resources of their respective support teams.

Could be simply:

Contract worker providing support for a large-scale (20,000 employee) server migration.

If you go through your resume like this, you can also get it down to a single page.

Don't feel you have to give all your experience in chronological order. Sort the jobs by relevance to the one you're applying to.

Indent the descriptions from the job titles. That way, they can scan your resume and get an idea of the basics in a few seconds (that's all you often get to impress them).

Don't feel like the descriptions have to give the full story. That's what the interview is for.

Also, convert it to a .doc file. Not everyone uses .docx yet.

Better yet, send a PDF. There's a save as PDF extension for word now, so there's no excuse not to use it.