Very recently my 92 year old grandmother passed away. As I have gotten older I have come to appreciate how great of a grandmother she was - not just from a 'family relative' stand point but from a role model standpoint. She survived the death of her husband and her son with a grace and hardiness that I can't help but admire. Thrust into caretaker for two terrible cancer episodes (Brain tumors and lung cancer both with multiple surgeries) she took on new roles she had never before undertaken and quickly mastered them. Throughout these trying years faithfully sent a holiday card for each holiday to an extensive list of family and friends some of whose relationships stretched the better part of a century. In my 34 years I can't ever remember a holiday card (including Halloween) being late.
Depression era raised she was never one to shirk from a job that needed to be done. Trying life events were just tasks to be worked through. The death of friends and family weren't enough to do her in. She continued to take joy from the relationships still around her and lived vicariously through others as her mobility suffered. A car accident bad enough to put her in a coma for a week wasn't enough. While my father was undergoing his treatments for pancreatic cancer we found out she had been diagnosed with her 4th type of cancer but had already taken care of it. We found out about it when one of her friends called my mom to see how she was.
"Why didn't you tell us you had cancer and were having surgery?"
"Oh I didn't want to bother you with something minor."
She was never one to complain or want sympathy for even large life events like cancer. She was more interested in how your day was or how your kids were doing than to trouble someone with something so inconsequential.
Even in her 90s her memory put mine to shame. I got my travel bug from her and my grandfather and when we would return from a trip we would go visit her and tell her where we'd been. Frequently we'd name a town and she would reply with "Oh thats such a lovely town. Your grandfather and I were there in '53 and we stopped at B&B Royal. At breakfast they had this amazing marmalade made at a local farm by Betsy who was lovely to talk to. After breakfast we got ready and headed out at 9:45am for the 37 minute drive to this museum where we spent 2 hours looking at (insert specific name) exhibit. Where did you stop for breakfast that morning?"
And my response would be a blank face as I couldn't remember where I had eaten a month ago while she could remember more than a half century back. If we discussed travel plans coming up she would tell us places to go and she was always spot on (assuming they were still there)
She molded the world around her into a finely ordered arrangement suitable to her. But her machinations were never belligerent or antagonistic but thoughtful, well reasoned and, often, full of emotion. She was frequently direct but always without a trace of malice. When she said you were doing it wrong you probably were. If you wanted to know her stance on anything you need only ask. If some established social convention got in the way of getting something done that social convention was to be ignored or discarded as a trivial matter that it was. Ever practical when buying a new phone the salesman asked if she wanted the 3 year warranty her reply was "Son I probably won't be around in 3 years so that would be a terrible waste of money."
Still reasonably mobile and still quick witted it was quite a shock to receive a call that she had passed. But even in death she added another item to the long list of things I hope I can emulate. When talking to her best friend of 71(!) years she complained of back pain. Concerned to hear a complaint from my grandmother her friend called the nurse of the assisted living facility and, together, they finally convinced her to go to the hospital to get checked out.
Thus, with death knocking on the door she told him and everyone else to wait while she changed because "I will NOT go to the hospital in pajamas." So everyone waited patiently while the Matriarch changed into her slacks, semi dress shoes and a white sweater more appropriate to a public appearance. Just a short time later and while walking under her own power she collapsed and that was it. Held at bay for decades Death won eventually but she set her own terms and he acquiesced because what choice did he have?
So it was with great sadness that her friends and family filled the local church with stories of her life. We sat amidst flower arrangement and letters from the charities that she had supported for decades. We listened to specific pieces of music played by specific people because she had arranged it all years before so everything would proceed according to her plan. But among the tears was an immense sense of joy and privilege to have known such an amazing woman. My life has been lessened by her passing but so greatly enriched by her presence.
Depression era raised she was never one to shirk from a job that needed to be done. Trying life events were just tasks to be worked through. The death of friends and family weren't enough to do her in. She continued to take joy from the relationships still around her and lived vicariously through others as her mobility suffered. A car accident bad enough to put her in a coma for a week wasn't enough. While my father was undergoing his treatments for pancreatic cancer we found out she had been diagnosed with her 4th type of cancer but had already taken care of it. We found out about it when one of her friends called my mom to see how she was.
"Why didn't you tell us you had cancer and were having surgery?"
"Oh I didn't want to bother you with something minor."
She was never one to complain or want sympathy for even large life events like cancer. She was more interested in how your day was or how your kids were doing than to trouble someone with something so inconsequential.
Even in her 90s her memory put mine to shame. I got my travel bug from her and my grandfather and when we would return from a trip we would go visit her and tell her where we'd been. Frequently we'd name a town and she would reply with "Oh thats such a lovely town. Your grandfather and I were there in '53 and we stopped at B&B Royal. At breakfast they had this amazing marmalade made at a local farm by Betsy who was lovely to talk to. After breakfast we got ready and headed out at 9:45am for the 37 minute drive to this museum where we spent 2 hours looking at (insert specific name) exhibit. Where did you stop for breakfast that morning?"
And my response would be a blank face as I couldn't remember where I had eaten a month ago while she could remember more than a half century back. If we discussed travel plans coming up she would tell us places to go and she was always spot on (assuming they were still there)
She molded the world around her into a finely ordered arrangement suitable to her. But her machinations were never belligerent or antagonistic but thoughtful, well reasoned and, often, full of emotion. She was frequently direct but always without a trace of malice. When she said you were doing it wrong you probably were. If you wanted to know her stance on anything you need only ask. If some established social convention got in the way of getting something done that social convention was to be ignored or discarded as a trivial matter that it was. Ever practical when buying a new phone the salesman asked if she wanted the 3 year warranty her reply was "Son I probably won't be around in 3 years so that would be a terrible waste of money."
Still reasonably mobile and still quick witted it was quite a shock to receive a call that she had passed. But even in death she added another item to the long list of things I hope I can emulate. When talking to her best friend of 71(!) years she complained of back pain. Concerned to hear a complaint from my grandmother her friend called the nurse of the assisted living facility and, together, they finally convinced her to go to the hospital to get checked out.
Thus, with death knocking on the door she told him and everyone else to wait while she changed because "I will NOT go to the hospital in pajamas." So everyone waited patiently while the Matriarch changed into her slacks, semi dress shoes and a white sweater more appropriate to a public appearance. Just a short time later and while walking under her own power she collapsed and that was it. Held at bay for decades Death won eventually but she set her own terms and he acquiesced because what choice did he have?
So it was with great sadness that her friends and family filled the local church with stories of her life. We sat amidst flower arrangement and letters from the charities that she had supported for decades. We listened to specific pieces of music played by specific people because she had arranged it all years before so everything would proceed according to her plan. But among the tears was an immense sense of joy and privilege to have known such an amazing woman. My life has been lessened by her passing but so greatly enriched by her presence.
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