Relationships during FINALS in college....hrm...sigh...problems...

[biglaw11]

Hey fellow AT people!!

There's been a little situation with my girlfriend today.....

My girlfriend and I both go to the same college and as many of you know, everyone is in the midst of finals now. So for the past week, we've both been studying and haven't talked to each other or seen each other very much at all. Like last night, I was studying till 5am with my study group and she called me, but I told her I'll call her back.....I forgot. So today, she got really angry and annoyed that I don't spend any time with her for the past week.

She says..."I spend more time talking to your voicemail on your cell phone more than I talk to you".

So in conclusion, I thought that she understood that when it's during finals, you naturally focus more on school than your other priorities. She says she understands it, but it's just that she questions, why couldn't I pay attention to her. AI YA!!! ERg...so I'm kinda confused, frustrated, yet annoyed.

I mean, if you look at our relationship, we're not really attached to the joints like some couples are....so it's pretty normal that we don't see each other EVERY day or something like that. So why would this "finals" thing bother her?

I just want some opinions from you guys as to what is going on with her?? or girls in general??

AT LADIES: any input would be helpful!!! thanks!!!

-biglaw11

ps: thanks for all your help guys!! AT is the best!! Also, have a safe holiday!!!

 

[gopunk]

meet with her for lunch every day or something like that... something that you'd have to do anyways and doesn't take up much time. aside from that, there's not much you can do. school is more important than some girl... and if she's a reasonable person she should be fine with what's going on. she doesn't sound very reasonable to me though... you might look into other options... *shrug*

whatever you do, don't think about it that much, don't let it interfere with your studies.

 

[biglaw11]

SEe..I know she understands that school is more important.

I just feel that relationships should be sort of like a RUBBER BAND. It should be flexible and that sometimes you must withstand tightness and sometimes, looseness.

You give a little, you take a little in a relationship. Sometimes you spend more time because you're able to, but in times you can't, then you spend less time. You know..just FLEXIBLE.

-biglaw11

 

[gopunk]

did you not see her a lot before finals week started or something?

 

[biglaw11]

<< did you not see her a lot before finals week started or something? >>



We usually see each other 2-3 times a week. It's pretty normal....we talk everyday too.

Man....whatevers...Im just gonna chill about this.


-biglaw11

 

[coolkev16]

She has every right to be pissed at you because you forgot to call her back. To me, having a girlfriend is an all year thing. At the same time, school is important too. Don't distance yourself from her too much just because it's finals.

 

[Red Dawn]

Dump her. WHo needs that crap. Besides you're in College so "You're Da Man" You should be boffing babes left and right. Get of your computer, stop whining and hit the clubs! Some hot manx loaded on beer somewhere is waiting for you!

 

[biglaw11]

<< Dump her. WHo needs that crap. Besides you're in College so "You're Da Man" You should be boffing babes left and right. Get of your computer, stop whining and hit the clubs! Some hot manx loaded on beer somewhere is waiting for you! >>





HAHAHAHAHAH!! LOL!! ROTF!!

-biglaw11

 

[LordThing]

She is wanting to blow off steam/forget about finals for a little bit. She was looking to you for comfort and to be a little girly. So, compromise. Tell her if she wants to spend time with you, to come over to your room and just sit on the bed together and study. That way your both getting what you want done but you are together. Also surprise her by showing up at her room and bring a pizza and a six pack as an "mandatory study break". You will be the king and be so thoughtfull, blah blah blah.


Little things bud, you gotta start thinking of it.

 

[AreaCode707]

I agree with the premise behind LordThing's thinking. To her point of view, expecting you to call her back should not have been difficult for you to do and you didn't do it. Take advantage of small things - they make a big difference. Go a little out of your way (w/o letting it interfere with school) to prove to her that while finals are priority at the moment, she's still important.

 

[Presence]

You fvcked up....if she cant count on you to do little things that you say you will do. How will she count on you with things that are really important. Like HotChic said its trhe small things that make a big difference.

 

[SuperGroove]

At least you didn't get DUMPED

They want me to commit, yet they don't want to commit. REAAAL nice.


I want to cuddle

 

[linuxboy]

So in conclusion, I thought that she understood that when it's during finals, you naturally focus more on school than your other priorities. She says she understands it, but it's just that she questions, why couldn't I pay attention to her. AI YA!!! ERg...so I'm kinda confused, frustrated, yet annoyed.

While HotChic (/me waves) does make a good point about the importance of following through with one's commitments and obligations as a matter of relational stability and reciprocity, I must try and help you understand just why this occured, especially since I think that in this case, the matter is not so profound as to invoke ideas of "relying on the little things".

Point 1: External stressors (finals) cause both you and her undue anxiety and frustration, thus leading to an emotionally unregulated state due to attachment to current activity.

Point 2: The need for security in a relationship, especially for females is everpresent since emotional vulnerability in a healthy relationship leads to reliance in part on the other party to provide normative and ipsative stability in one's emotio-cognitive faculties.

Point 3: Normal relational dynamics in a romantic attachment (aka, the love-madness) lead to a withdrawal from normal logical, rational thinking due to a fear of the loss of love (also ties in to my second factual statement)

Point 4: Your occupation with finals and the need to succeed leads to attachment to an external activity causing competition between your g/f and the finals.

Point 5: Competition is a elemental driving force in human behavior.

Point 6: Competition causes your g/f to lose security in the relationship due to excessive stressors (see point 1) combined with the loss of a purely objective rationality (see point 3).

Point 7: Your promise to complete a task coupled with the failure to perform said promise leads to an exacerbation of security loss, thus leading to more stressors which your g/f finds difficult to regulate due to an overall attachment in your relationship (which is as it should be, normally)

Point 8: The lack of communication and reminding that the finals are an insane time and that other duties are often out of mind, and thus out of sight from you to your g/f does not provide a discontinuity in the thought of your g/f and the contribution to a loss of security.

Point 9: All of this eventually leads to her feeling alone and overwhelmed. The lack of performance to the said promise is the "straw that broke the camel's back" and so she needs a way to deal with her frustration and she takes it out in a destructive way, trying to punish you for her own state. That should have been expected since the factors point to this as a likely outcome.

Point 10: Her attack/this episode requires subsequent "smoothing out" during which relationship norms and bounds are to be redefined and reestablished. Interestingly enough, this can be a point for extreme growth and understanding/awareness in the relationship. However, your lack of suitable explanation and reasoning of the action provides her with no alternative than to think you are insensitive or otherwise not committed or some other similar thought.

Point 11: Your attention to the situation and not really trying to understand her viewpoint leads you to feel frustrated because of perceived helplessness in the situation possibly due to lack of insight (please note I do not mean to be offensive, this is just how it appears to me in light of a theoretical approach to this problem).

Result: You post on ATOT asking for help

Suggested mitigating actions and restorative activities to be done by both of you: First, explain the situation to her just like I did. The fact that a lack of objectivity is contributing to emotional harm and that emotions are in turn used to base further action creates a very nasty cycle. Try to see where your relationship is and where you want it to go. If this is a long-term deal, open up and try to understand your g/f so as to avoid similar episodes in the future. Lastly, restore security and attachment in the relationship by spending time with her to restore previous dynamics and reaffirm your commitment (unless of course you want to bail, and it doesn't sound like you do)

Long term strategies: Maintain communication and inform her of your position especially during difficult times and have her do the same. Few things work better at attentuating the degree of stress and conflict than a focus away from one's own ego.

Going back to the idea of "the little things", I must say that while this was important in this particular case, the "bigger things" like affirmation and empathy all but eliminate inattention and carelessness since they encompass them.

They want me to commit, yet they don't want to commit. REAAAL nice.

I don't think it's that complicated but then again, I don't really know that much about how things work.

if she cant count on you to do little things that you say you will do. How will she count on you with things that are really important.

That's exactly it. It's not the activity but the effect it has on the dynamics, IMHO.


Cheers !

 

[PaNsyBoy8]

sorry bro, hope things work out =)
at least finals are over with, bring her flowers or soemthing when she's studying, a nice surprise will make her happy. she's just prolly stressed cuz of finals and so she starts worring about everything else. good luck

 

[gotsmack]

finals week (this week) is the week that I turn into the mole man. I get into my little hole and don't come out until the hour before i have a final.

 

[helloedchen]

you could have saved yourself the trouble by pickin up the phone and callin her back...would have taken 5 minutes and would have made her feel better. that being true, if she is mature enough, she will understand the stress of finals week and so forth. good luck bro.

 

[rgwalt]

You've gotta suck it up and say I'm sorry on this one chief. She is the right here since you didn't call her back. However, the whole situation is bad because you both are under lots of stress. It is easy to explode at one another. However, what you SHOULD do is call her up and ask her to dinner. I mean you HAVE TO EAT. Finals aren't important enough to not eat, so what you do is take a few hours, go grab some dinner and desert. If she has time, ask her back to your place for a backrub, and then just hold each other for awhile. Hell, if you can, take the night off and go see a movie. It is OK to do this afterall... I've got a final Tuesday, and I'm just going to chill tonight. Screw it.

Trust me on this one... After 3.5 years I'm an expert on repairing what I managed to screw up (and so is she). And to those who are telling him to break up, get a grip. This is one, VERY SMALL fight. This is the sort of thing you get in a huff about, and a couple of days later you can't figure out why you were so upset. Being in a real committed relationship means working through stuff like this. This is what you HAVE to do when you get married, so get some practice now.

Ryan

 

[eakers]

you know whats better than a relationship during finals?

telling your girlfriend you might not love her anymore the night before she has final.

*kat. <-- bitter, oh so bitter.

 

[rgwalt]

eakers-

OMFG!!! That just isn't right... a person should keep feelings like that to themselves during finals.

Ryan