Originally posted by: DisgruntledVirus
Originally posted by: freesia39
It helps.
I was with my husband for over six years before we got married. It was something we both wanted to do. The wedding is a different issue. If you want to get married, you accept the "risks" of doing so.
Sure it's easier to walk away without all the legal obligations, and apparently, that's all a lot of people on here care about in these responses - how easy it is.
Not that anyone that responds to this thread would care about why people actually want to get married - they're too busy breaking them down. If you never want to legally bind your union (if you are able to do so), then don't. You'll see if the person you want to be with sticks around. Don't be surprised if some of them leave. That's all. And don't call them biznitches for doing so - to some people, it's pretty darn important. And if you fail to see that, then it's just not important for you. Let it be and don't call her a biznitch for leaving.
Call it pressures of society, parents, religion, whatever. A piece of paper is important to some people. A college diploma is a piece of paper, and many go through so many hoops just to get it.
I'm not disagreeing that it can bring people closer.
I don't care about "how easy it is to walk away", but instead care about my future and my personal well being. I can be committed to a person without those legal stipulations, and never want to be with another woman. It's not about how easy it is to walk away. Instead it's about two things. First, what benefit is there for me knowing all the risks? Second, what happens if one/both of us change, and we are not able to live with the changes (which makes us depressed/unhappy in the relationship, dread going home, etc)?
I would love to sit down and have a debate/conversation with you about the reasons for/against marriage. I wouldn't ask for somebody to give up something they want to happen, just for me. I might say that it doesn't make any logical/rational sense why you leave somebody you say you love and want to spend your life with simply because they don't want to sign a piece of paper.
It very much is the pressure/indoctrination that you grow up, graduate HS, go to college, fall in love, get married, and have your happy family with the white picket fence, Fido, and 1.8 (or whatever the # is currently) children. The flaw with the college analogy, is that the piece of paper you get in college increases your earnings for life. There are no negatives other then it can be expensive, but that is compensated through over the course of your career and you end up making many times over that.
That's the thing though - you care about YOU. YOUR personal well being. YOUR own future. You're not thinking also about the other person you are with, you are too busy worrying about how they're going to screw you over and how legally, it has been set up for them to do so. Granted, I don't make as much as my husband, but I didn't get into the relationship rubbing my hands together going "YES! I'LL POP OUT A KID AND I'LL HAVE 18 YEARS OF CHILD SUPPORT MUHAHAHA." I was with him when we were both poor, one person working, the other in school, and we already lived through a lot of life changes and are willing to live through more together.
Any relationship you get into will have risks. You can't eliminate them all, and if you do, you just might find yourself lonely. Or ostracized from the parts of society that believe people should get married. If you're going to not get into a relationship because 15 years from now, you might be laid off and you can't continue to afford that lifestyle, to ME personally, it's a sad way to look at life as nothing but pitfalls.
But I'm an eternal optimist. I don't let things get in my way or bother me. I deal with them. The scenario you proposed has you not dealing with them. Then just don't deal. But don't break down why other people want to get married.
I've always wanted to get married (and only one time at that) and for me, if it is a relationship where it won't head that way, it would be really difficult to want to stay with someone that doesn't share that point of view. You have to find someone that does. Why? Probably it was indoctrinated in me, probably because my parents in their traditional views were tired of me living with the hubs without being married and it reflected badly on them (lame, I know but not the reason we got married), probably because I wanted a wedding... but I just wanted to continue spending my life with the dude. I roll with the punches. I also can't control the other person.
It just seems to all boil down to control. If you can't control everything, then don't get married. When dealing with a second person, there are bound to be opinions you won't agree with. But you also don't rush out and marry the first bozo off the street. I was with the guy six years before we got married. We were together for over 5 before we got engaged. The first two years probably didn't count in many people's eyes because were still undergrads in college.
I don't make sense, I feel like I'm rambling.
But my point is there can never be one specific reason why someone should get married. It's many reasons, each personal to each individual. It was something I wanted to do, I wanted to spend my time with this guy, which I was already doing, and getting married really didn't hurt it. We already were cohabitating, had joint accounts, named each other as beneficiaries, etc. For some people that would be enough. But we both believed in marriage, so we just went on to get married.
As for the diploma expanding your earnings potential, being married can also expand your social circle. It adds on more people you interact with, two workplaces, etc. It also, to many of the closemindeds out there, along with insurance companies, hospitals, estates, etc, legitimizes your relationship and ends any discussion about who is with whom and their place in the "line of succession." Being with someone for life, and knowing you won't have to play the dating game, could in turn also extend your life, reduce your worries, etc.
Facebook
Twitter