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Rate my poem...

I

idNut

Diamond Member
Hatred of existence,
Love of the flesh
Fear of extinction,
Proud of the success
Desperate for love,
Envious for attention
Death from above,
Forever detention.
 
It's too short. If you were to elaborate on each line...

Desperate for love
Envious for attention
Fear of extinction
 
doesn't invoke any particular mood. Sounds like a Slayer song. Rhyme doesn't make a poem.
Words too strong. Use more subtle inferences. Employ metaphors. Last but not least, stick to a theme.
 
Originally posted by: gururu
doesn't invoke any particular mood. Sounds like a Slayer song.
Click to expand...

I just tried screaming it really loud while pounding out some power chords, and it really does. 😀


Throw in some F5, some F#5, some Bb5 power chords and a little low E string galloping.
 
Sounds like the ravings of a lunatic in training, how someone so young can hate living when they haven?t even lived amazes me. You need to get out and see the world get off your computer and go hiking or fishing or something. 😀
 
Dude, stop basing your poem on Staind and Linkin Park lyrics (I'm informed enough to know that your poem is NOT manson like - if you care to listen, his lyrics are actually pretty good) and start reading POETRY not angst rock.. Seriosly, I don't mean that as an insult.. I'm a writer but sucked until I started reading... Read some Dylan thomas, hemmingway even.. I'm not hip to poetry but get a good compilation.. What you're writing is cliched and totally witless.. I don't mean that as an insult - my mentor and favorite english professor told me the same thing when I wrote my first poem and then gave me a list of writers to read...

Some of my favorite authors (non-poetry) are
Kurt Vonnegut
Orwell
J.D. Salinger

If you want to write, you must read and not just listen to numetal!
 
Originally posted by: idNut
Hatred of existence,
Love of the flesh
Fear of extinction,
Proud of the success
Desperate for love,
Envious for attention
Death from above,
Forever detention.
Click to expand...

It's a great poem, and it's better than Snakespear, I'm pretty sure.
If all we had were poets like you are, life would be so much better.
I always had problems with poems while at school - too long, to boring to read, hated them with passion. And so diffucult to memorize. Yours is short, easy to learn, it doesn't bug you with any morals or other stuff like that. I wish you were a celebrated classic poet or someone like that.
 
How could I forget Poe! Read some Edgar a. poe! Notice I'm not critiquing your thoughts (I'm not saying they're too "dark," etc.).. Your presentation is what is weak...
 
Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
How could I forget Poe! Read some Edgar a. poe! Notice I'm not critiquing your thoughts (I'm not saying they're too "dark," etc.).. Your presentation is what is weak...
Click to expand...

Edgar Allen Poe is one of my favorite poets... absolutely breathtaking. Read some Poe, you'll enjoy it.
 
since it doesn't look like you're going to answer my question, I'll assume it doesn't mean anything or that shuffling the lines around a little won't change the meaning. the first thing I noticed when I read your poem was that I was trying to cram more syllables into one line than sounded natural (starting with "proud of the success"). it might just be the way I'm reading it but let's take a look at the number of syllables in each line, shall we?

Hatred of existence, (6)
Love of the flesh (4)
Fear of extinction, (5)
Proud of the success (5)
Desperate for love, (4 .. depending on how you pronounce desperate)
Envious for attention (7)
Death from above, (4)
Forever detention. (6)

quite a mess, isn't it? when I write poetry I generally try to keep the same number of syllables in each line or use some sort of pattern, which would work in this case, to give it rhythm. for example:

Hatred of existence, (6)
Love of the flesh (4)
Fear of extinction, (5)
Proud of success (4) < took 'the' out of this line
Envious for attention, (7)
Desperate for love (4 .. depending on how you pronounce desperate)
Forever detention, (6)
Death from above. (4)

now every other line is four syllables and there is a clear rhyming pattern (attention and detention don't rhyme as far as I know). I don't know about you but the second one sounds a lot better to me. then again, it really doesn't matter what I think of your poetry .. unless of course you wrote it for the purpose of posting it on atot, which I really hope isn't the case. I write poetry to deal with anger, depression, etc. and I don't care what others think of it because it did it's job and it means something to me. umm .. I don't know exactly what I'm trying to say but maybe you can make some sense of it. and yes, poe is pretty good.

typo
 
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