Rate my essay please

[raildogg]

This is for my english class. We have to write something but it has to be 5 paragraphs and must not use words such as I, me, my, mine, we, us, you and your. We have to pick a topic we care about.

I picked one on education in America:

Here it is.

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[cmv]

That was good! I liked the message too as I agree. Unfortunately, I think some of this is social too. Some of the younger generations have been living in the lap of comparative luxury so the drive to succeed is not as strong. I think this plays some small role in the big picture.

Your use of "confine" in the second to last paragraph does not seem right to me. Maybe it is correct technically but confining progress is an odd picture. Maybe delay is a better choice?

 

[raildogg]

Originally posted by: cmv
That was good! I liked the message too as I agree. Unfortunately, I think some of this is social too. Some of the younger generations have been living in the lap of comparative luxury so the drive to succeed is not as strong. I think this plays some small role in the big picture.

Your use of "confine" in the second to last paragraph does not seem right to me. Maybe it is correct technically but confining progress is an odd picture. Maybe delay is a better choice?

Thank you, I was just looking at some alternatives to "confine". Maybe constraint? I agree delay might be better but that means that we are on our way but just late. I do not know if that is accurate or not. Thanks for reading 🙂