Quick Proofread: 1 Page Essay.

Coldkilla

Diamond Member
Oct 7, 2004
3,944
0
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I have this essay that will be read by one of my classmates tomarrow and then after it is corrected they will hand it in to our instructor. The problem is, I have always had problems with writing and have always hated my 5th grade writing style. Sadly, I am in college.

If you have a moment, please have a look through this and correct any errors you may see. I appreciate your time. Thanks.

--------To understand in terms of ?who is watching who? in Michel Foucault?s essay ?Panopticism?, we look at a few different aspects from his work: the plague, techniques and institutions for measuring/supervising people deemed as ?abnormal?, and how this relates towards today?s society.

]--------Looking at the way we see how Foucault talks about the plague, where people are constantly inspected and closed off from the rest of the world. We may see this as inhuman, but a necessary evil that was needed to be put in play. People were sick, infested with a disease that could have been spread simply by having contact with another human being. These people were seen as ?unfit? to remain with the rest of society. They were confined to their own space away from everyone else, the ?norm?. This is just another way of saying that no matter what you are doing, you are being watched.

]--------Just like the plague, an idea called the ?panopticon? was also a way in which the abnormal can be seen. The only difference is, this time the observer doesn?t have to let anyone know that they are being watched. These people that were being watched could have been anyone ranging from: workers, school children, laborers, inmates, and people from all walks of life. A genius idea really, one institution for almost all sources of information, for both learning and punishment, however: ?But the Panopticon must not be understood as a dream building: it is the diagram of a mechanism of one power reduced to its ideal form; its functioning, abstracted from any obstacle, resistance or friction, must be represented as a pure architectural and optical system: it is in fact a figure of political technology that may and must be detached from any specific use.? (Foucault 223) This basically said that if people believe in this system, it will take all of their freedoms, ranging from privacy to individualism, away.

]--------But as society becomes more and more complex, there seems to be a need for not just one institution, but many more. Instead of just a Panopticism device that would watch over a select group of people. We need more establishments it seems, from schools, factories, psychiatric institutions, and hospitals. Now, the ?abnormal? group of people seem to have been separated from the rest of society once again. However, in time we will demand more establishments, possibly eventually do away with establishments all together and have each individual become the observer to everyone else. So no matter where you go, you will always be watched. How far is to far?
Slowly taking away people?s freedoms has always been an issue with modern society, from limiting free speech to forcing children to attend school. Some freedoms can and should be limited to certain aspects, but everyday we are becoming closer to becoming a communist society. However, on the other end of the coin, you have the anarchistic side of things, giving people basically the freedom to do whatever they want. But even when a society makes certain freedoms/laws available to the public, some are not protected. An example would be that of segregation and persecution of African Americans, even though it was outlawed many years ago, it is still happening today.
 

Coldkilla

Diamond Member
Oct 7, 2004
3,944
0
71
anyone? :(

Got class in 4 hours.. Just dont want to look like the idiot I am when it comes to writing..
 

LanceM

Senior member
Mar 13, 2004
999
0
0
Sorry, can't help, out practicing with my band. We're gonna make it big.


(actually I'm at work)
 

Turin39789

Lifer
Nov 21, 2000
12,218
8
81
I'm too busy to tear it apart, but I think it could use some work in making it flow better. I don't like your opening sentence.

"To understand in terms of ?who is watching who? in Michel Foucault?s essay ?Panopticism?, we look at a few different aspects from his work: the plague, techniques and institutions for measuring/supervising people deemed as ?abnormal?, and how this relates towards today?s society.
"

I think you need "to understand VARIABLE in terms of who is watching who"
the way I read it now you are telling me how to understand what in terms of w i w w?



I still don't understand what panopticon is.


write before hand, read it to make sure it makes sense, retype it to get a second draft, repeat for a third. Your school should have some short of a writing center where you can get free peer review work
 

Coldkilla

Diamond Member
Oct 7, 2004
3,944
0
71
1 Hour before class :(

Thx Turin for your contribution. Anyone else have a minute to spare? I'd appreciate it.
 

pinion9

Banned
May 5, 2005
1,201
0
0
Originally posted by: LanceM
Sorry, can't help, out practicing with my band. We're gonna make it big.


(actually I'm at work)

Hmmm, so boring. So routine. / wrist FTW.



(wait, me too.)

 

Turin39789

Lifer
Nov 21, 2000
12,218
8
81
Originally posted by: Coldkilla
I have this essay that will be read by one of my classmates tomarrow and then after it is corrected they will hand it in to our instructor. The problem is, I have always had problems with writing and have always hated my 5th grade writing style. Sadly, I am in college.

If you have a moment, please have a look through this and correct any errors you may see. I appreciate your time. Thanks.

--------To understand in terms of ?who is watching who? in Michel Foucault?s essay ?Panopticism?, we look at a few different aspects from his work: the plague, techniques and institutions for measuring/supervising people deemed as ?abnormal?, and how this relates towards today?s society.

]--------Looking at the way we see how Foucault talks about the plague, where people are constantly inspected and closed off from the rest of the world. We may see this as inhuman, but a necessary evil that was needed to be put in play. People were sick, infested with a disease that could have been spread simply by having contact with another human being. These people were seen as ?unfit? to remain with the rest of society. They were confined to their own space away from everyone else, the ?norm?. This is just another way of saying that no matter what you are doing, you are being watched.

]--------Just like the plague, an idea called the ?panopticon? was also a way in which the abnormal can be seen. The only difference is, this time the observer doesn?t have to let anyone know that they are being watched. These people that were being watched could have been anyone ranging from: workers, school children, laborers, inmates, and people from all walks of life. A genius idea really, one institution for almost all sources of information, for both learning and punishment, however: ?But the Panopticon must not be understood as a dream building: it is the diagram of a mechanism of one power reduced to its ideal form; its functioning, abstracted from any obstacle, resistance or friction, must be represented as a pure architectural and optical system: it is in fact a figure of political technology that may and must be detached from any specific use.? (Foucault 223) This basically said that if people believe in this system, it will take all of their freedoms, ranging from privacy to individualism, away.

]--------But as society becomes more and more complex, there seems to be a need for not just one institution, but many more. Instead of just a Panopticism device that would watch over a select group of people. We need more establishments it seems, from schools, factories, psychiatric institutions, and hospitals. Now, the ?abnormal? group of people seem to have been separated from the rest of society once again. However, in time we will demand more establishments, possibly eventually do away with establishments all together and have each individual become the observer to everyone else. So no matter where you go, you will always be watched. How far is to far?
Slowly taking away people?s freedoms has always been an issue with modern society, from limiting free speech to forcing children to attend school. Some freedoms can and should be limited to certain aspects, but everyday we are becoming closer to becoming a communist society. However, on the other end of the coin, you have the anarchistic side of things, giving people basically the freedom to do whatever they want. But even when a society makes certain freedoms/laws available to the public, some are not protected. An example would be that of segregation and persecution of African Americans, even though it was outlawed many years ago, it is still happening today.


Well overall I would say you've done alright, it seems like you have a grasp of the subject and you can't go into too much detail in a one page essay. However I'm not sure some of you conclusions are fully suported.

In the second paragraph you mention the plague and state that people who were infected were deemed unfit and removed from the normal healthy society. Then you jump straight to the idea that you are always being watched. surveillance, watching isnt mentioned at all until your last sentence. either change the last sentence or mention that because of the danger of the plague and the risk that infected people represented, everyone was constantly watching each other for signs of illness.

third paragraph could use a short sentence defining the panopticon at its beginning, the quote you include gives a general idea, that it is some sort of device that is used to monitor society, but it's not very clear and it comes after you start discussing the panopticon. perhaps you should also say what it was watching for etc. Your final sentence states that if people believe in the system it will take away their freedoms etc. Are you implying that it is just their belief that the sytem exists that is doing this, or is it their support of the sytem that allowed it to be created that causes them the loss?

Finally I think in the last paragraph you are trying to say that we need multiple groups to watch society for problems and watch each other for faulty watching. but you dont. you just say that as society becomes complex we need more institutions. what kind of institutions? More DMV offices or charity groups? you also seem to be trying to say that since we need watchers of the watchers of the watchers etc, it becomes a situation where the watcher system is obsolete and it becomes the responsibility of everyone to watch everyone else. I'm just trying to restate here so you can try to word it better. PLEASE do not copy me verbatim, but just consider your word choices and how you build your ideas. Also the throw in of the african american sitation seems to be just tacked on and out of place.

Hope it helps
 

Platypus

Lifer
Apr 26, 2001
31,046
321
136
Try this:

Hard to understand where you're going having not read the essay, but try to avoid starting sentences with and,but,or, etc.

To understand the concept ?who is watching who?? in Michael Foucault?s essay ?Panopticism,? one needs to observe several different elements of the piece; the plague itself, techniques and institutions for measuring and or studying those deemed as abnormal and how this relates to today?s society.

As Foucault discourses on the plague itself it becomes apparent that a certain element of inhuman behavior is observed when dealing with those infected, however such behavior was a necessary course of action. Those sick with the disease were jeopardizing those around them and contributing to the unwieldy nature and spread of the disease. Quarantining these individuals away from the rest of the populous was necessary and eludes to the concept that no matter where you were, you were being watched.

Much like those with the plague were observed, this abstract idea called the panopticon created a way for the abnormal to be observed without tainting the results. That is, those being observed were unaware of this presence. Candidates for this type of observation could range from coworkers, school children, laborers, inmates and people from all different vocations and purposes. Centralizing all sources of information into one abstract concept could be seen as a genius idea, however ??the Panopticon must not be understood as a dream building: it is the diagram of a mechanism of one power reduced to its ideal form; its functioning, abstracted from any obstacle, resistance or friction, must be represented as a pure architectural and optical system: it is in fact a figure of political technology that may and must be detached from any specific use? (Foucault 223). Ergo, this entity completely encompasses the entire human existence, eliminating in essence what it is to be an individual.

As society becomes more and more complex, one said institution cannot function with efficiency any longer. One entity cannot accurately manage the parts of its sum any longer. Separate institutions such as factories, schools, hospitals are once again needed and once more the abnormal members of society are separated from the general populous; the feeling of constant observation once more. Slowly taking away people?s freedoms has always been an issue with modern society, from limiting free speech to forcing children to attend school. Some freedoms can and should be limited to certain aspects, but everyday we are becoming closer to becoming a communist society. However, on the other end of the coin, you have the anarchistic side of things, giving people basically the freedom to do whatever they want. Even when a society makes certain freedoms/laws available to the public, some are not protected. An example would be that of segregation and persecution of African Americans, even though it was outlawed many years ago, it is still happening today.
 

Turin39789

Lifer
Nov 21, 2000
12,218
8
81
Also, Anandtech isn't here to do your homework for you, luckily this wasn't a math problem or it might be gone by now. I understand that deadlines sneak up on you, I have trouble writing anything for a class before the night it is due, but there is most likely a free writing service on your campus somewhere. If nothing else try to find someone else in the class or on campus who you can work with and review each others work before it gets turned in, just make sure you don't end up turning in the same paper.

GL
 

HN

Diamond Member
Jan 19, 2001
8,186
4
0
Originally posted by: Turin39789
Also, Anandtech isn't here to do your homework for you, luckily this wasn't a math problem or it might be gone by now. I understand that deadlines sneak up on you, I have trouble writing anything for a class before the night it is due, but there is most likely a free writing service on your campus somewhere. If nothing else try to find someone else in the class or on campus who you can work with and review each others work before it gets turned in, just make sure you don't end up turning in the same paper.

GL

you'd think that'd be a good idea but this place seems to be OP's go-to place for essay checking (could probably start his threads with "YACKET" - 'yet another...')
 

Billzie7718

Senior member
Sep 2, 2005
649
0
0
Originally posted by: Coldkilla
I have this essay that will be read by one of my classmates tomarrow and then after it is corrected they will hand it in to our instructor. The problem is, I have always had problems with writing and have always hated my 5th grade writing style. Sadly, I am in college.

If you have a moment, please have a look through this and correct any errors you may see. I appreciate your time. Thanks.

--------To understand in terms of ?who is watching who? in Michel Foucault?s essay ?Panopticism?, we look at a few different aspects from his work: the plague, techniques and institutions for measuring/supervising people deemed as ?abnormal?, and how this relates towards today?s society.

]--------We see how Foucault talks about the plague, where people are constantly inspected and closed-off from the rest of the world. We may see this as inhuman, but it is a necessary evil that was put in play. People were sick, infested with a disease that could have spread simply by having contact with another human being. These people were seen as ?unfit? to remain with the rest of society. They were confined to their own space away from everyone else. This is just another way of saying that no matter what you are doing, you are being watched.

I just did the first paragraph and it started giving me tired-head.

Good luck.
 

Coldkilla

Diamond Member
Oct 7, 2004
3,944
0
71
I never asked anyone to do my "homework", I did the work, This was merely a proofread. Proofreading is ligit/legal and fair. And I appreciate those who contributed towards my thread, Turin being one of them ;)

I've read all of your replys and have taken them into account, not copied them as there were many different suggestions, some regarding the same part of the essay. I determined what needs to be done and I thank Platypus & Turin for yur time.
 

Turin39789

Lifer
Nov 21, 2000
12,218
8
81
Originally posted by: Coldkilla
I never asked anyone to do my "homework", I did the work, This was merely a proofread. Proofreading is ligit/legal and fair. And I appreciate those who contributed towards my thread, Turin being one of them ;)

I've read all of your replys and have taken them into account, not copied them as there were many different suggestions, some regarding the same part of the essay. I determined what needs to be done and I thank Platypus & Turin for yur time.

I probably came off harsher than I meant to, had a long day yesterday with work and exams and I have to work 9 hours today while all of my coworkers are working 4 hours. I just know I've seen homework threads cracked down on before, and I was probably projecting some of my own procrastination in essay writing issues on you. Good luck on the grade.