Question for those in relationships regarding email privacy

[Jeraden]

I've been married for 9 years and while my wife and I both have our own email accounts, we know the passwords for each others accounts as well. Recently I found out that my wife has been reading my personal emails. Yes, there are a couple female friends I have that I email with, which I'm sure is the reason. I guess she's checking up on me or something. The thing is the emails are always just as friends - they are in relationships too. Since she's been reading them evidentally, she knows its just friends and nothing more. Well, now that I know she is reading, or at least has the potential to read anything I say, I started to feel very uncomfortable writing people as now I feel like I have to be ultra careful with what I say so she doesn't misinterpret anything and its really taken the fun out of conversing with people.
The other night I decided I needed to change my password, because I still feel there needs to be some level of personal privacy, even in a marriage. This did not sit well with her and various arguments soon followed.
So, I was just wondering how other couples handled things. Do you have the passwords and just not check, keep them private, read each others mails. Just curious what everyone else thinks about my predicament.

 

[rmrf]

you should have just talked to her. married for 9 years and can't talk like adults?

 

[sixone]

We have one addy for our families to use, and a couple of junk accounts. They're all set up in our e-mail client, so all messages are there for either/both of us to read, from either computer.

My husband got a couple of messages recently from his buddy's college age daughter. You better bet I read those, but I would have been very surprised if they'd been less innocent than they were.

 

[leftyman]

we have different accounts but my wife is welcome to read my email if she wants

 

[loic2003]

yeah my ex used to read my e-mails and IM history. It drove me up the freaking wall. I feel it's totally outrageous that she read them, however, I'd also be p!ssed if she had an a/c with which she mailed male friends... it is a tough call.

Personally, I'd have it that we have our separate machines, and they are both private, but me being an IT geek and her not: I'd be able to sneak into her machine. Sorted.

 

[meltdown75]

i know her pass, but i wouldn't read her emails. i don't think she would read mine either, unless she wants to see a zillion emails from Yahoo Sports.

 

[Sphexi]

My wife knows all of my passwords, or at least she did at one point (no idea if she bothered memorizing them or not). Once or twice in the past she had me login to her email account to fix something, or if she wasn't able to get to a computer to respond to something, but she usually has to remind me as to what the password is. I'm not worried about her getting/sending emails that would be inappropriate, I trust her to know what I'd frown upon and to make decisions accordingly. At the same time the only email I ever get is junk mail so if she ever does bother reading mine, she'll probably just think I get way too much penis enlargement email.

BTW need to add an option like "Could read them but no need to as we actually trust each other" or something.

 

[Jeraden]

Originally posted by: rmrf
you should have just talked to her. married for 9 years and can't talk like adults?

We did talk about it, thats when I mentioned "various arguments soon followed".

 

[rmrf]

Originally posted by: Jeraden

Originally posted by: rmrf
you should have just talked to her. married for 9 years and can't talk like adults?

We did talk about it, thats when I mentioned "various arguments soon followed".

I meant before you changed your password. Some of those arguments *may* have been avoided if you talked about it beforehand.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: rmrf

Originally posted by: Jeraden

Originally posted by: rmrf
you should have just talked to her. married for 9 years and can't talk like adults?

We did talk about it, thats when I mentioned "various arguments soon followed".

I meant before you changed your password. Some of those arguments *may* have been avoided if you talked about it beforehand.

Yup. Looks like you have something to hide, more from yourself than your wife, would be my guess.

 

[BD2003]

Its called trust.

 

[Jeraden]

Well, I left out a lot of details, but the sequence of events were:
- realized she was reading emails
- told her I was going to change my password because I was not comfortable with that. Discussions ensued, I did not change it yet
- found out later that she was still reading them even after previous discussion, so then I changed it and we had further discussions/arguments.

 

[theknight571]

My wife and I know each others email passwords, but we never really look at each others emails unless requested to. (i.e. She's at home and I need her to send me something from my personal email account.)

You could always open another email account...and internet based one like GMail or Yahoo! Mail, Hotmail etc.

- TK

 

[Accipiter22]

Originally posted by: Jeraden
Well, I left out a lot of details, but the sequence of events were:
- realized she was reading emails
- told her I was going to change my password because I was not comfortable with that. Discussions ensued, I did not change it yet
- found out later that she was still reading them even after previous discussion, so then I changed it and we had further discussions/arguments.

should've just changed your PW...how exactly would she have brought that up? So hun, I was trying to pry into your emails and couldn't get in.....

 

[ZoomStop]

Originally posted by: sixone
We have one addy for our families to use, and a couple of junk accounts. They're all set up in our e-mail client, so all messages are there for either/both of us to read, from either computer.

My husband got a couple of messages recently from his buddy's college age daughter. You better bet I read those, but I would have been very surprised if they'd been less innocent than they were.

Same here. My wife and I just share a Gmail account. She reads mine, I read hers. We get a lot of mutual mail for both of us. Not a trust thing, just a convenience thing.

 

[shimsham]

fvck that. she obviously trusts you as much as sixone trusts her husband. the fact that you told her your password should be enough to ease her concerns about you hiding something. my wife and i know each others, but we still dont read them.

i wouldnt have said anything about it to her, but emailed whoever and told them that our conversations were being monitored and just let her stew in that for a while. act a fool, get treated like one.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: Jeraden
Well, I left out a lot of details, but the sequence of events were:
- realized she was reading emails
- told her I was going to change my password because I was not comfortable with that. Discussions ensued, I did not change it yet
- found out later that she was still reading them even after previous discussion, so then I changed it and we had further discussions/arguments.

Why do you care if she reads your e-mails? Why do you expect her to misunderstand? What are you doing that makes you uncomfortable with your wife seeing it?

She is not your problem.

 

[Nohr]

I check my wife's account to get rid of spam for her. Updating filters and blacklists and such. But I don't read her email, none of my business.

 

[shimsham]

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: Jeraden
Well, I left out a lot of details, but the sequence of events were:
- realized she was reading emails
- told her I was going to change my password because I was not comfortable with that. Discussions ensued, I did not change it yet
- found out later that she was still reading them even after previous discussion, so then I changed it and we had further discussions/arguments.

Why do you care if she reads your e-mails? Why do you expect her to misunderstand? What are you doing that makes you uncomfortable with your wife seeing it?

She is not your problem.

right. always the mans fault since hes up to no good, huh?

would you like your husband listening in on coversations with your friends? what if they are telling you something personal that they didnt want anyone else to know and expected you to keep it in confidence?

 

[loic2003]

Originally posted by: sixone

She is not your problem.

He's married to her. How could she not be his problem?

 

[dullard]

You are putting your energy into fighting the symptom, not the cause. It is like putting on a new bandaid on your finger every five minutes while your hand is still sitting in an operating blender.

You need to talk to your wife. Why is she reading your emails? Most likely you have lost her trust - this is a very serious issue. What you may be doing might be innocent, but you might be doing it in a very suspicious way. For example, suppose you work with an attractive coworker. It is perfectly fine for you to work late with her AT WORK on a big project. It is 100% wrong to work late with her at a couple's bar after work and then email about it thoughout the evening. There is a very fine line between those two cases. In both situations, you are not cheating. But in one case you are acting appropriately and in the other case you are crossing all the trust boudaries of a relationship. I'm not accusing you of doing this, I'm just trying to give an example of an innocent relationship with another female done in an inappropriate way.

I'm recently divorced. But the roles were reversed. I was the one who started reading emails. Then my ex (who didn't know I was reading them) suddenly created a bunch of new Gmail, Hotmail, etc accounts with various passwords. That was very suspicious behavior, so I hacked in. I found what I was looking for and immediately filed for divorce. Note: I didn't start reading her emails until I was convinced the marriage was over. I started reading them to put my mind at ease that I was doing the right thing. I had already convinced myself that a divorce was necessary - but I lacked the smoking gun. If I were you, I'd be very worried. Email reading is the symptom of a much, much bigger problem.

Originally posted by: theknight571
You could always open another email account...and internet based one like GMail or Yahoo! Mail, Hotmail etc.

See above.

 

[JulesMaximus]

She's your wife. You shouldn't be hiding things from her. If you are or feel you need to then you both have issues that need to be talked about.

 

[Jeraden]

Originally posted by: sixone
Why do you care if she reads your e-mails? Why do you expect her to misunderstand? What are you doing that makes you uncomfortable with your wife seeing it?

She is not your problem.

Say every time you talked to your friends on the phone, your husband picked up the phone and listened in. Would you feel comfortable with that? It has nothing to do with somone saying stuff they shouldn't be, its just awkward and you can't deny that its going to affect how you communicate with the person at the other end of the phone to some degree.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: shimsham

Originally posted by: sixone

Originally posted by: Jeraden
Well, I left out a lot of details, but the sequence of events were:
- realized she was reading emails
- told her I was going to change my password because I was not comfortable with that. Discussions ensued, I did not change it yet
- found out later that she was still reading them even after previous discussion, so then I changed it and we had further discussions/arguments.

Why do you care if she reads your e-mails? Why do you expect her to misunderstand? What are you doing that makes you uncomfortable with your wife seeing it?

She is not your problem.

right. always the mans fault since hes up to no good, huh?

would you like your husband listening in on coversations with your friends? what if they are telling you something personal that they didnt want anyone else to know and expected you to keep it in confidence?

When did I ever address anyone other than the OP? And where did confidential information come from? The OP didn't mention it, and neither did I.

Try again.

 

[sixone]

Originally posted by: Jeraden

Originally posted by: sixone
Why do you care if she reads your e-mails? Why do you expect her to misunderstand? What are you doing that makes you uncomfortable with your wife seeing it?

She is not your problem.

Say every time you talked to your friends on the phone, your husband picked up the phone and listened in. Would you feel comfortable with that? It has nothing to do with somone saying stuff they shouldn't be, its just awkward and you can't deny that its going to affect how you communicate with the person at the other end of the phone to some degree.

So you think it's okay to be less careful when your wife isn't watching? That makes no sense to me - why would you say things to other people that you can't comfortably say to or in front of your wife?