question for the older people on OT and by older i mean >40

[zanejohnson]

what was the hardest time of your life? was there ever a time when it felt like every possible variable was against you no matter what you did... what happened to change your situation to the better if anything?

i ask because right now im going through a lot of problems with my life and it feels like there's no way out....is this just part of growing up? is this God pushing me to my wits end in order to better me as a person?

im 22 years old, practically married to a great girl...been with her for a little over 4 years... we have a daughter together... that part of my life is great, that's what i live for, to see them everyday and be with them everyday.... however there's something that threatens what we have... im in a lot of trouble, basically any minute i could be taken away from them for i dont know how long....could be months, could be years...it's driving me insane...i work full time to support our family by myself as well so if i was gone it would be really bad for them, worse than for me probably.. i make decent money, but it's never enough... i owe a family member on her side alot of money for repairs to my car, and i have to choose between paying him off, or paying the courts off to lessen the chance of being taken away... this is what goes through my mind day in and day out...i dont sleep well, im constantly exhausted at work, and suffer with substance abuse problems, which seem to get worse and worse the worse my situation gets....

anyway, just venting, and wondering if anyone else out there has been through rough times when you were younger...and what do i need to do to climb out of this hole..

 

[rbV5]

The hardest part has always been watching friends and family suffer for the decisions their loved ones make. Get your shit together Zane, you owe it to those that depend on you. You just gotta tackle the tough stuff head on, and God has nothing to do with your BS.

 

[TreyRandom]

I'm only 37, but the hardest things for me to deal with were:

1) getting picked on as a kid at school, but I got through it and am now well respected as an adult
2) getting myself over my head in debt, but I paid it off over a 10-year period
3) having to deal with people who are the cause of their own problems... including, sometimes, dealing with my own behavior.

What changed things? Picking myself up by my own hind end and kicking it into doing what I'm supposed to be doing. It takes willpower to do what you absolutely HAVE to do. If I didn't like my situation, only *I* can change it. If I'm in a bad job, only *I* can change it. If I'm addicted to something, only *I* can change it. If I'm in a bad relationship, only *I* can change it. If I'm in debt, only *I* can change it. I simply have to do what I am supposed to do, whether I like doing it or not.

...and when I feel that I just *can't* do it... I ask Jesus to give me the strength to overcome any obstacle. If you want to know what helps me... it's Him.

God doesn't give you a substance abuse problem... you give you a substance abuse problem. He can help you overcome it... if you *want* to overcome it. God doesn't make it so you never have enough money... you make it so you never have enough money - get on a budget, and stick to it - willpower, remember? If you *want* to change it, you *can* change it. And if you are a man of faith, leaning upon God can only help.

 

[Rubycon]

Since when is older > 40? KID!

Definitely growing up. Lost both parents at the age of 3.

 

[mugs]

Originally posted by: zanejohnson
anyway, just venting, and wondering if anyone else out there has been through rough times when you were younger...and what do i need to do to climb out of this hole..

Have you stopped using drugs? That would be a good start.

 

[MrWizzard]

Originally posted by: zanejohnson
what was the hardest time of your life? was there ever a time when it felt like every possible variable was against you no matter what you did... what happened to change your situation to the better if anything?

i ask because right now im going through a lot of problems with my life and it feels like there's no way out....is this just part of growing up? is this God pushing me to my wits end in order to better me as a person?
im 22 years old, practically married to a great girl...been with her for a little over 4 years... we have a daughter together... that part of my life is great, that's what i live for, to see them everyday and be with them everyday.... however there's something that threatens what we have... im in a lot of trouble, basically any minute i could be taken away from them for i dont know how long....could be months, could be years...it's driving me insane...i work full time to support our family by myself as well so if i was gone it would be really bad for them, worse than for me probably.. i make decent money, but it's never enough... i owe a family member on her side alot of money for repairs to my car, and i have to choose between paying him off, or paying the courts off to lessen the chance of being taken away... this is what goes through my mind day in and day out...i dont sleep well, im constantly exhausted at work, and suffer with substance abuse problems, which seem to get worse and worse the worse my situation gets....

anyway, just venting, and wondering if anyone else out there has been through rough times when you were younger...and what do i need to do to climb out of this hole..

I really don't think that's it. It sounds more like you made some bad choices and have to reap the consequences.

Being mature isn't making the right choices all the time, it's being responsible with the outcome of your choices. You probably have some tough years ahead of you but keep clean and stay determined and you should be ok. It won't be easy but in the end you will be glad you did it.

 

[Squisher]

Confront your problems head on. Make a budget, stick to it, include the paying off of the relative and court costs, delete the line that allocates money for unnecessary drug use. Talk to all involved parties, wife, relative, court.

 

[bullbert]

the hardest things for me to deal with STILL are:

1) having to personally deal with people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions or inactions
2) having to live in a society with adults who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions or inactions, and who are teaching their kids the same behavior

Blame the Government!
Blame the White Man!
Blame the Corporations!
Just don't blame me for my actions or my inactions!

 

[D1gger]

The roughest period in my life was about two years ago. I had changed careers and the new business was overwhelming, and that lead to me abusing alcohol, ignoring my family and jeopardizing everything that was truly important to me.

My wife threatened to leave me, I was about ready to leave her myself until I finally realized how much I was about to lose. It just happened I had planned a two day golf trip with a couple of really close friends and over drinks one night I confessed to what was going on in my life. They spent the next 6 hours talking me through my problems and convinced me to get professional help for my struggles. It worked, and now my family is closer than ever and I have gained a lot of perspective on how much of my life and energy should be focused on business, versus how much should be focused on myself and my family. Amazingly, by taking a new approach and delegating more work to my employees, my business has thrived and I actually spend fewer hours in the office.

The key to my recovery was the help of two very good friends and six months of personal counselling. Above it all, I had to come to grips with the fact that I was ultimately responsible for my life and I had to take control.

 

[Xavier434]

Originally posted by: D1gger
The roughest period in my life was about two years ago. I had changed careers and the new business was overwhelming, and that lead to me abusing alcohol, ignoring my family and jeopardizing everything that was truly important to me.

My wife threatened to leave me, I was about ready to leave her myself until I finally realized how much I was about to lose. It just happened I had planned a two day golf trip with a couple of really close friends and over drinks one night I confessed to what was going on in my life. They spent the next 6 hours talking me through my problems and convinced me to get professional help for my struggles. It worked, and now my family is closer than ever and I have gained a lot of perspective on how much of my life and energy should be focused on business, versus how much should be focused on myself and my family. Amazingly, by taking a new approach and delegating more work to my employees, my business has thrived and I actually spend fewer hours in the office.

The key to my recovery was the help of two very good friends and six months of personal counselling. Above it all, I had to come to grips with the fact that I was ultimately responsible for my life and I had to take control.

:thumbsup:

A true winner right here folks. It isn't about how hard life is. It's about the choices you make after things go wrong.

 

[jadinolf]

No doubt for me was having my wife die at the age of 46 after 6 years of suffering.

Terrible experience.

 

[jagec]

Reading this thread.

Of course, by that response you can tell I'm not 40 yet.

 

[mrrman]

I would say 1st of all lay off the drugs/booze if you are into that...keep a clear head....things will get better without that in your life

 

[jjones]

Well, I won't tell you what the hardest time of my life was, there's been a few, and what's the point anyway? I will tell you how to get through it though. You have to better yourself and your situation a little bit each and every day. Don't get overwhelmed by what's ahead of you, just pick out the things you can begin to change and start there. Improve something in your life immediately, even just a little. Keep doing that every day. With diligence and effort, eventually your life will turn around.

Oh, one more thing. Start making the right choices instead of the easy choices.

 

[Greenman]

Way over 40, and been through some very tough times. The answer is always the same, never never never never give up. Just refuse to be beaten, refuse defeat. And for the love of God get away from booze and drugs. Last, always try to be a better man than you think you are.

 

[JEDI]

Originally posted by: D1gger
The roughest period in my life was about two years ago. I had changed careers and the new business was overwhelming, and that lead to me abusing alcohol, ignoring my family and jeopardizing everything that was truly important to me.

My wife threatened to leave me, I was about ready to leave her myself until I finally realized how much I was about to lose. It just happened I had planned a two day golf trip with a couple of really close friends and over drinks one night I confessed to what was going on in my life. They spent the next 6 hours talking me through my problems and convinced me to get professional help for my struggles. It worked, and now my family is closer than ever and I have gained a lot of perspective on how much of my life and energy should be focused on business, versus how much should be focused on myself and my family. Amazingly, by taking a new approach and delegating more work to my employees, my business has thrived and I actually spend fewer hours in the office.

The key to my recovery was the help of two very good friends and six months of personal counselling. Above it all, I had to come to grips with the fact that I was ultimately responsible for my life and I had to take control.

yup, dont play the victim, and hope somebody will feel sorry for you, and save you.

As for me, i've spent the last 2 years actively searching for happiness. so far all i've found is what doesnt make me happy. All i can do is keep trying new avenues.

As for the roughest period of my adult life, and how i got out of it:
I got a lawyer and got the charges reduced. $ doesnt buy me happiness, but it did buy me freedom. Lesson learned: LIE TO THE COP if you did something wrong. It might avoid the whole 'need a lawyer' scenario. and if you get caught in your lie, you're not much worse off. It's all about Risk/Reward.

As for you OP, i cant imagine what you're going thru since i dont have a kid. since u dont have $, cant you get free legal representation? And as for your drug use, you gotta get into rehab since it sounds like you're not able to kick it w/o profressional help.

1) see what you want
2) make a plan
3) carry out the plan
4) if the plan doesnt work, make a new plan and/or change what you want

Think logically, and not w/your heart/emotions

 

[db]

"...i owe a family member on her side alot of money for repairs to my car, and i have to choose between paying him off, or paying the courts off to lessen the chance of being taken away."

If the courts take you away, how can you pay the family member? So they (family member) need to understand that that is your priority, or *they* don't get paid.
Make a plan and stick to it until it's done. If "family member" doesn't understand, they are not worth wasting your time worrying about it.

If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of others. But beware: that is NOT a license to be a selfish bastard.

 

[BoomerD]

The only easy day was yesterday...

Just accept that life sux sometimes and move on.


Sometimes, you just gotta "man-up" and deal with the shit that keeps getting heaped on you...even when it's of your own making.

Actually, the crap that is self-caused is often easier to deal with than the stuff that comes from other people. You can make a mental adjustment or attitude change that can help with YOU, but when it's other people...well, just be careful not to create more problems for yourself trying to deal with the problems you already have...

 

[illusion88]

You are 22 and have a kid. You are in trouble with the law and have a drug problem. You need to get into a 12 step program. You can't do it alone. I don't know what sort of trouble you are in with the law, but doing drugs while you are "wanted" or whatever is just a bad idea. It's also a terrible lifestyle to raise a kid in.

I am having a hard time typing this and not going on an angry rant.... You have a child, a wife of sorts, a job that pays well...
You want to quit drugs but you aren't seeking help. You claim to be in trouble with the law but you have no legal defense... you are fucking up and you know it yet you aren't helping yourself.

 

[dmcowen674]

Originally posted by: illusion88
You are 22 and have a kid. You are in trouble with the law and have a drug problem. You need to get into a 12 step program. You can't do it alone. I don't know what sort of trouble you are in with the law, but doing drugs while you are "wanted" or whatever is just a bad idea. It's also a terrible lifestyle to raise a kid in.

I am having a hard time typing this and not going on an angry rant.... You have a child, a wife of sorts, a job that pays well...
You want to quit drugs but you aren't seeking help. You claim to be in trouble with the law but you have no legal defense...

you are fucking up and you know it yet you aren't helping yourself.

He posted on AT, that has to be at least just a little bit better than sleeping at a Holiday Inn Express last night <shrugs>

Seriously Zane, at your age you don't realize the littlest things add up and you will look back at when you get to 40+.

 

[alkemyst]

I am just a little shy of 40, but nonetheless the only way out of something is to get out of it.

I made quite a few mistakes and came out of them. Stick to getting advice from people that have been there and done that instead of those that had a friend of a friend 'this happened too'. More often than not you get a biased opinion on what should happen that's not based on the reality of the situation.

I used to be surrounded by gangs, the drug scene, so much illegal activity in each day...I finally made the decision to just walk away from it. I stopped answering my phone when these people were trying to contact/hook up with me. It screwed up my social life for a while and caused me some grief in jobs and with family during the transtition away from it.

I then married too young...knowing/dating someone for more than 5-10 years by 20-22 is a bad place to be. Chances are you will grow apart once real life hits. In my case it was my ex wanted to do all the stuff she wasn't allowed to do in her teens and that I had struggled to break away from. I was open to moderation, but she wanted to dive head first into the underground scene. After our divorce, I was left with a ton of debt $50-60k and had to sell a house I just bought and improved for a loss of about $40k.

Getting hooked on stuff, legal or not; can become a money pit. Only way out of it is to refocus on something new and cheaper or free. Alot of it's going to be avoidance though. Trust me on that. It's too easy for a friend to say 'come on, you haven't done this in so long YOU OWE IT to yourself'...etc. Next thing you know you are back on whatever wagon you got off of.

I started just sleeping around. It's cool for a guy to hook up a lot, but when you start nailing everyone everyone else knows it's not. I learned to keep friendships and lovers mostly separate. I lost a lot of friends mostly due to jealousy and them thinking they were the only ones although I always stated I was looking for nothing more than fun and no strings attached.

For you it seems the hardest part is going to be the financial side. Pay your debts and sacrifice. The law comes before anyone else. You are going to have a hard time paying for anything if you get thrown in jail. Talk to the relative, if they have lent you money they probably can be talked to in confidence should you not want everyone to know your delemma. It may even be good someone outside your wife or g/f and kid knows so they can keep you in check and hold you to your deal. It's easy to blame your lover and say they are just saying what they want or trying to hold you back, etc.

Focus on work and building security...then worry about playing once that happens. If you dedicate the time now esp at only 22, even with a kid...by the time 30 rolls around you should be able to spend the rest of your life having a blast.

30 is still really young today. Even 40 is a lot different than it was 10+ years ago. So much stuff is catering to older but younger minded people out there.

Today many people are not settling down at 20 something or even 30 something anymore.

Also above all things do not let your child determine your relationship with the mother. They are mutually exclusive.

And if God, Budda, a pet, etc helps you get through this then so be it. It's your battle and they are your allies you pick.

Good luck.