Question for seasoned veterans of love.

[Doboji]

Ok you know this is a good forum when you feel comfortable sharing the personal things.....

I am sort of the victim of a tragic love story gone ary... when I was 18 I fell deeply and thoroughly in love with a girl I met at school... we were together for 4 years.... before breaking up last july. Since that time... it feels like the love centers of my brain are dead... I don't feel any of those feelings I used to feel....

And the upsetting thing is I can't remember if I used to feel them before my ex. Maybe they are excruciatingly rare... maybe you don't feel them very often.... but I honestly can't tell if the way I feel is normal, and it will change when I find the right person... or if I'm mentally scarred from my experience... (lets just say that the break up was extremely painful, and messy involving another guy).

And furthermore if these feelings are so rare... how does one enter a relationship with someone they DONT feel strongly about... I mean a massive number of people have BFs and GFs... they can't all be in love can they?

Agh... I'm sorry to drop this on your heads... but sometimes... you need to look outside of oneself for understanding... and I don't want to share with the people I am closed to right now... because I don't want to let them know that I'm still effected by this thing... they've already helped so much... it's not fair to drop more on them... ya know?

Thanx,
-Max

 

[polm]

I cannot directly relate, but I cant attest to the 'scarring' effect. I fell in love with a girl and we dated for 2 years. After we broke up I just went kinda numb. For the last 2 years I have not even felt that way at all. Then, all of a sudden, the last couple months I have been feeling really infatuated with this new girl I met. It is great, kinda awkward, but great. It WILL come back, I can assure you that. It doesnt mean that the first person you have these feelings for next is the 'right' one, though. You shold just take the time to focus on other things. Being in love can be pretty consuming. I spent the last few years working on my computer skills, and I have learned so much about other things as well.

 

[Azraele]

As common as it seems to be, love is rare. It will take time for those feelings to be re-awakened and re-kindled, but they are not dead, just sleeping. There will come a day when they do awaken, and will do so with a ferocity that will set you reeling. It just takes time.

I know things are rough now, but hang in there, it will get better.

 

[Doboji]

Thanx guys... you've given me some hope... I guess it just takes time to heal... I'm just impatient... I want those intense feelings back... I used to be such a hopeless romantic... and I miss that aspect of me.

-Max

 

[creedog]

i've got a good story about that am someday i will post it when i have the time. You will never love again in the same way you fell for your first love, its never that innocent again

 

[HansHurt]

they are not dead, just sleeping. There will come a day when they do awaken, and will do so with a ferocity that will set you reeling. It just takes time.





Can't agree more w/ Azraele on this one, but if you asked me 3yrs ago I wouldn't have...it's all just lying fallow ready to be unleashed, it just needs a catylyst, and when it's triggered it has the the added force of wisdom behind it. I was lucky enough to have it happen to me...it blindsided me, and suddenly all those emotions came back; only I was able to recognize it better, and control or focus those feelings more effectively. I became the hopeless romantic; the master poet again...all tempered w/ the wisdom I had gained through previous experiences...."sorrow sharpens the blade of understanding", and with that understanding comes control. I don't want to make it sound like my anylytical process's overshadowed the spontaneity of this, or I dissected every action I took.....it all happens by itself w/o much effort.

Creedog is also right though, it will never be the same as the innocence we felt w/ the first love, but the potential is much higher IMO. With my first love which lasted 6 yrs, the emotions attached to it were more chaotic and somewhat uncontrollable...the subtle nuances were not quite as evident to me at the time, I was unprepared for them, thus could not react to them accurately as they came....of course this is special in it's own way, but it's like observing the essence/energy of love...being consumed or surrounded by it...never able to really hold it in your hand.


As for your thoughts relating to the normalcy of your retraction inwardly, I know EXACTLY how you feel, as do many others I am sure...you may be "scarred" somewhat but it's amazing how these things can be turned around...the scar becomes invisible beneath the "new skin" you acquire rejuvinated by the wonders of LOVE.




BTW the new love I spoke of ended abruptly in very little time, but I walk away being able to recognize the value of what I had, and cherish the moments short as they were...another by-product of experience.

 

[Doboji]

Thank you all for your words of wisdom... it's given me alot to think about.. and seeing that others have been where I am, came through and went beyond to eventual happiness... makes me feel that somehow.. this'll all work out. I had a hunch it would... now I'm sure of it...

This forum ROX!

Hans... mind if I use that quote "sorrow sharpens the blade of understanding"?

-Max

 

[Carbo]

Kerouac's quote below about sums it up...........................

 

[Moonbeam]

I would agree with what has been said but emphasize another aspect. What is love? Why do we feel so wonderful when we are in love? Looking inward, I think what happens is that when we meet the lover, we find confirmation of what we have always sought, unconditional acceptance, and what we never got and can't believe we deserve. In the lovers gaze we become what we have always been, perfect in every way. When the lover withdraws, we are cast back into the abyss, back where we almost always felt we belonged.

Our first release can be profound, and our first re-imprisonment a catastrophe. There are those who will never trust again, but for those who can and do, there can be a second release. What that tells us is that the state of love, of being loved, is a natural one, the way we are supposed to be. Hopelessness that turns to hope negates the truth of hopelessness. There is hope and there is love.

What this tells us, if we can but read the message, is that we experience ordinary love from the point of view of the ego, the truth and denial and truth that we are OK. But beneith the ego, what is there at the ground of our being. I say that there at our root is real love itself, the place where lover and beloved are one. In that place the feeling of being loved is simply the reflection of the act of loving. Inside you, Doboji, is a burning sun waiting to illuminate the world.

Mullah Nasrudin: "Oh my Beloved, wherever I look it appears to be Thou!"

 

[GasX]

Patience.

You just have to meet the next love of your life.

It takes time, but time heals all wounds.

 

[Angrymarshmello]

Those guys/girls are in relationships not b/c they think that person could be "the one" - it's because they want sex and companionship.

 

[obiwaynekenobi]

I agree with azerel.

you will love that person in your heart forever if she means as much to you as you have stated. But Time will move on and so will you. eventully you will be able to love another. Just make sure you get the closure out of it that you need. Without The closure the break up is meaningless.

Little know or acknowledged, but a true fact.

 

[HansHurt]

Hans... mind if I use that quote "sorrow sharpens the blade of understanding"?


Yea, go ahead...I am not sure who said it first though, my Mom is the first person I heard it from. I am curious who wrote that in the first place?

 

[Mikal]

You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait.....

(Lotsa times it just happens when you least expect it.)