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[RichUK]

Contract I.T. Project Manager

-Ideally should have a development or I.T. background
-Excellent presentation skills
-Excellent problem management skills
-Good at influencing and persuading others
-Track record of successfully managing multiple internal suppliers
-Experience of large team management
-Experience of Microsoft project
-Relevant business domain knowledge desirable
-Knowledge / application of structured development methodologies (DSDM, Waterfall, CMMI, RUP, Agile, RAD, XP, etc.)
-Qualified in one PM standard (e.g. PRINCE2, APM)
-Project management duties, including amongst others:
---Preparing and updating NIKU project plans
---Staff mentoring
---Staff recruitment/interviewing/retention, etc.
---Client Management
---Directing and motivating the project team
---Planning, administering and monitoring projects
---Managing risks, including the development of contingency plans
---Liaising with programme management
-Be responsible for change control and any required configuration management and document registers
-Preparing and reporting to the project board
-Agreeing technical and quality strategy with appropriate members of the project board
-Managing and planning CTC/UAT/OAT testing environments, resources and processes
-Attending the project boards
-Monitoring project actual versus planned spend rates
-Assisting obtaining DCC, IPG, data admin approvals
-Ensuring all required sign-offs are obtained at correct times (CMS, CCP, Usability, PCS)

-Is experienced in translating business requirements into technical designs for solutions
-Is capable of developing a feedback channel and contributing under uncertain situations
-Is skilled in the use of estimation tools, methods and methodologies, effort estimation
-Is capable of defining project standards, has the knowledge and methodologies and the understanding of process improvement initiatives
-Has experience in reviewing designs for scalability, performance & robustness and assessing change management requirements
-Is skilled in conducting project reviews and audits, risk assessment and mitigation

 

[bobdole369]

Everything my boss tells me.

 

[RichUK]

Originally posted by: bobdole369
Everything my boss tells me.

Everything? :Q

 

[FoBoT]

i don't have one, i don't think anyone has one anymore around here, they quit doing that

 

[HybridSquirrel]

Student:
Do work.
Get Grades.
?????
Profit

 

[child of wonder]

I'm a VCP with 3 years VMware, SAN, blade, experience who gets to work on AV, file permissions, printers, and bank applications all day.

Yay for me.

 

[Krynj]

Kingston level 1 tech support.

Not much of a description needed.

 

[Pantlegz]

Originally posted by: HybridSquirrel
Student:
Do work.
Get Grades.
?????
Profit

+1

 

[Dangerer]

taco engineer

 

[daw123]

We have an immediate opening for an office receptionist / assistant / coordinator / runner / jack of all trades. Must be able to answer heavy phones, coordinate schedules, dismantle a nuclear bomb, perform all of our jobs for us, and do some light filing, data entry, and other soul-crushing bitchwork while pretending to love it. We?re looking for someone who is clearly overqualified for this position but is still desperate enough to work for peanuts.

The ideal candidate will have three years experience doing this type of work but, for whatever reason, wants to pay his / her dues all over again instead of moving up the ladder. Must be thick-skinned ? I?d say we?ve earned the right to strip away your human dignity. Skills in Word, Excel, and Outlook preferred. No clockwatchers need apply ? your job should be your life, even if it?s a shitty job that?s only a means to an end. Compensation starts at $350/week. You will be elligible for benefits after six months.

IMPORTANT: Send resume in the body of your e-mail?attachments will NOT be read, mainly because we?re afraid of technology.

 

[SuperSix]

Sales Manager - Branch of a wholesale Computer hardware company.

Fetus - we sell a lot of Kingston. Are you in Fontana?

 

[DnetMHZ]

IT Manager.. make sure anything that plugs in, lights up, or makes noise is working properly. Oh also handle anything that doesn't fit into someone else's job description.

 

[insect9]

Manufacturing Manager - Make sure shit gets done and quality lenses go out the door.

 

[CanOWorms]

Rodeo Clown

-Not afraid of animals
-Ideally should have a development or I.T. background
-Excellent presentation skills
-Excellent problem management skills
-Good at influencing and persuading others
-Track record of successfully managing multiple internal suppliers
-Experience of large team management
-Experience of Microsoft project
-Relevant business domain knowledge desirable
-Knowledge / application of structured development methodologies (DSDM, Waterfall, CMMI, RUP, Agile, RAD, XP, etc.)
-Qualified in one PM standard (e.g. PRINCE2, APM)
-Project management duties, including amongst others:
---Preparing and updating NIKU project plans
---Staff mentoring
---Staff recruitment/interviewing/retention, etc.
---Client Management
---Directing and motivating the project team
---Planning, administering and monitoring projects
---Managing risks, including the development of contingency plans
---Liaising with programme management
-Be responsible for change control and any required configuration management and document registers
-Preparing and reporting to the project board
-Agreeing technical and quality strategy with appropriate members of the project board
-Managing and planning CTC/UAT/OAT testing environments, resources and processes
-Attending the project boards
-Monitoring project actual versus planned spend rates
-Assisting obtaining DCC, IPG, data admin approvals
-Ensuring all required sign-offs are obtained at correct times (CMS, CCP, Usability, PCS)

-Is experienced in translating business requirements into technical designs for solutions
-Is capable of developing a feedback channel and contributing under uncertain situations
-Is skilled in the use of estimation tools, methods and methodologies, effort estimation
-Is capable of defining project standards, has the knowledge and methodologies and the understanding of process improvement initiatives
-Has experience in reviewing designs for scalability, performance & robustness and assessing change management requirements
-Is skilled in conducting project reviews and audits, risk assessment and mitigation

 

[SacrosanctFiend]

HR Manager

- Fire people
- Make people take drug tests, then fire then for coming up positive for something as small as aspirin.
- Recruit executive and staff level positions, and then fire them for violating company policy xyx
- Coordinate temporary labor staffing, then fire teh temp workers and the temp service because my girlfriend broke up with me that day
- Oversee safety, and then fire people so that I don't have to worry about making sure the work environment is safe
- Oversee payroll and benefits, and then fire people so we don't have to pay so much money
- Deal with all employee relations, labor negotiations, legal compliance, etc...then fire people because they annoy me
- Manage metrics to see how many people I've fired, then fire some more to make my numbers look better
- Create staffing plans so that I can plan in advance inane methods of firing people
- Attempt to fire the SVP of the plant on a weekly basis, and in turn get fired, only to be rehired so that the SVP doesn't have to be bothered with firing people.

I love my job.

In all seriousness, I do all of the above sans firing...except sometimes I actually do, but it's not fun.

 

[krylon]

Camera Operator (Pornography)

* Must be comfortable with seeing naked people having sex. We know you're taking this job because it's the closest you'll ever come, so try to act like you've been in the end zone before.
* Must not attempt to engage in any sexual acts with any of the "actors" on set. If you do this, you will be removed from the set immediately after being ass rammed by the biggest blackest male "actor" we can find.
* Must be comfortable if bodily fluids end up on your persons.
* Must not let bodily fluid projectiles affect the camera shot. This is especially important for the money shot.
* You will be responsible for equipment knocked over by your boner.
* Must not perform any services other than camera work. This includes, but is not limited to, cleaning up seminal fluid off the "actor's" face, breast, vagina, balls, shaft, or butt hole with your tongue or any other part of your body and/or device. Seriously, if I had a nickel.
* Must not ask the seminal fluid cleanup crew for assistance with the four or five "accidents" you had in your pants during the shoot.

 

[coldmeat]

Working for my dad until I go back to school in January. He's a tin smith but has a bad back so he can't really do any of the work anymore, so I basically do all the hard work while he tells me what to do. A lot of the stuff like drilling/cutting with the sawzall above my head is stuff he can't do anymore, and holding the duct up while he gets it in place.

 

[BTRY B 529th FA BN]

Originally posted by: krylon
Camera Operator (Pornography)

* Must be comfortable with seeing naked people having sex. We know you're taking this job because it's the closest you'll ever come, so try to act like you've been in the end zone before.
* Must not attempt to engage in any sexual acts with any of the "actors" on set. If you do this, you will be removed from the set immediately after being ass rammed by the biggest blackest male "actor" we can find.
* Must be comfortable if bodily fluids end up on your persons.
* Must not let bodily fluid projectiles affect the camera shot. This is especially important for the money shot.
* You will be responsible for equipment knocked over by your boner.
* Must not perform any services other than camera work. This includes, but is not limited to, cleaning up seminal fluid off the "actor's" face, breast, vagina, balls, shaft, or butt hole with your tongue or any other part of your body and/or device. Seriously, if I had a nickel.
* Must not ask the seminal fluid cleanup crew for assistance with the four or five "accidents" you had in your pants during the shoot.

Where do I apply?

 

[xSauronx]

im a facility attendant part-timer while im in school, but im not about to type out the three pages of rules i have for the basketball gym, skate park and sports complex

-basically; dont let people do anything stupid, if they do, kick them out, if they bitch and wont go, call the cops
-clean up the trash at the end of the day
-open up if youre first on shift, lock up if youre last
-do this, that and the other (minor shit) for whoever is renting the facility

i only spend about 20% of my time doing actual 'work", which is nice

i also work as a work study student with an admin at school:
-be in as planned
-email him if i wont be in
-work on whatever he tells me to work on

its good work experience. nothing strict about it

 

[datalink7]

To close with, engage, and destroy the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.

 

[Rumpltzer]

The company that I work for only produces products for the U.S. government.

We don't make the things that kill people. We make the things that make killing people more efficient.


I develop technology for this company.

 

[RKS]

present facts in light most favorable to the client
desire to make money

 

[Miramonti]

buy low sell high

 

[erub]

Originally posted by: Rumpltzer
The company that I work for only produces products for the U.S. government.

We don't make the things that kill people. We make the things that make killing people more efficient.


I develop technology for this company.

My new job starting next week.

 

[IHateMyJob2004]

To give you an idea, I can't answer your question because there is not a formal procedure or plan in place to do so.

Ya, I'm changing departments soon! Paper work is in. Should be a few weeks form now that I am done with hell.