Post your favorite classic geek/nerd jokes in here...

imported_Tomato

Diamond Member
Sep 11, 2002
7,608
0
0
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive!"
 

Dufman

Golden Member
Dec 29, 2002
1,949
0
0
Originally posted by: Dezign
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive!"

bad joke
 

Vortex22

Diamond Member
Sep 6, 2000
4,976
1
0
Originally posted by: Dezign
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive!"

Ugghhh :p
 

pulse8

Lifer
May 3, 2000
20,860
1
81
What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?










You can't hear an enzyme.
 

gistech1978

Diamond Member
Aug 30, 2002
5,047
0
0
Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?

A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.

 

amoeba

Diamond Member
Aug 7, 2003
3,162
1
0
Two nerds always walk together in the morning to go to class.

One day, nerd number one shows up with a brand new bike.

nerd 2 asks " wow, where did you get that bike?"

"Well, the strangest thing happened. Yesterday, a woman rode by me on her bike, took off all her cloths and said to me "take whatever you want"



nerd 2 answers " ah good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you"
 

Heisenberg

Lifer
Dec 21, 2001
10,621
1
0
Originally posted by: gistech1978
Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?

A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
Wow. Just wow.
 

amoeba

Diamond Member
Aug 7, 2003
3,162
1
0
Originally posted by: Heisenberg
Originally posted by: gistech1978
Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?

A: Nothing. You can't cross a vector and a scalar.
Wow. Just wow.


I think my high school physics teacher told that one.
 

azazyel

Diamond Member
Oct 6, 2000
5,872
1
76
not that nerdy but...

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a Brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a BrIoni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one? The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoShop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog."
 

beyonddc

Senior member
May 17, 2001
910
0
76
Originally posted by: amoeba
Two nerds always walk together in the morning to go to class.

One day, nerd number one shows up with a brand new bike.

nerd 2 asks " wow, where did you get that bike?"

"Well, the strangest thing happened. Yesterday, a woman rode by me on her bike, took off all her cloths and said to me "take whatever you want"

nerd 2 answers " ah good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you"

Nice

 

Vortex22

Diamond Member
Sep 6, 2000
4,976
1
0
Originally posted by: azazyel
not that nerdy but...

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a Brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a BrIoni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one? The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoShop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog."

Hahaa I'm saving that one!
 

imported_Tomato

Diamond Member
Sep 11, 2002
7,608
0
0
Did you ever hear the joke about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some
rays and came back a tangent?

What does the math student say when he steps on a spider? R3->R2!
What does he call the spider? Orthogonal projection!

Q: Do you know a good anagram of "banach-tarski"?
A: Banach-tarski banach tarski!

For a good prime, call: 555.793.7319

What is the square root of 69? 8 something ("Ate something")
What about sqrt(-69)? I 8 something

Before Al Gore became vice president of the United States, he worked briefly as a drummer for a little known night club act. Some people say that during that time he came up with the best most mathematically precise rhythms ever known to man. They are now called appropriately enough... Al Gore Rhythms.
 

imported_Tomato

Diamond Member
Sep 11, 2002
7,608
0
0
Q: What is grey and huge and has integer coefficients?
A: An elephantine equation.

Graphing rational functions is a pain in the asymptote.

Q: Why did the identity sin(2r) = 2sin(r) get turned down for a loan?
A: Because it needed a cos(r). (co-signer)

Q: Why would defeating the Chicago Bulls in the playoffs be like solving
a system of linear equations?
A: Because one would accomplish a Krause-Jordan elimination. (Bulls GM Jerry Krause, Bulls player Michael Jordan)


There was once a factory that specialised in armour. They made leather jerkins, full plate suits, greaves, helmets, anything that would stop an arrow or a sword.

One day, an order arrived from a foreign kingdom. It was a big contract, to outfit an entire army with chain-mail leggings. The factory owner was delighted, and immediately took the design specifications down to the factory floor to begin production.

Several days later, a second message arrived. Due to various circumstances, the design of the leggings had changed. The new standardised national military uniform required that the hems be lowered by several centimetres.

The factory owner grumbled about the loss of time and money involved in changing the design, but there was nothing he could do. He took the new plans down to the foreman.

Several days later, another new design arrived. The nation's uniform requirements had changed again, and the hems must be raised, even higher than the original design.

This went on for several weeks. Every few days, there was a change of plan, and the leggings had to be changed. Sometimes the hems went up, sometimes they went down, but every change meant a loss of money. Finally one day, the factory owner called the foreman up to his office, and asked him if there was any way to stop the appalling wastage.

"Well," said the foreman "it might be that the changes are gradually settling down, and will eventually lead to a stable set of leggings. If so, we could extrapolate from what we already know to find the ultimate design, and start producing it now, knowing that it's what they'll eventually ask for."

The factory owner agreed this was a good plan.

"On the other hand," continued the foreman, "it might be that the changes will never settle down to any final form, in which case there's nothing much we can do."

This prospect depressed the owner, and he demanded to know whether there was any way to tell which situation they faced.

"Oh, certainly." said the foreman, "There's a simple way to tell."

He paused.

"It's called the Wire Trousers Hem Test for Uniform Convergence."
 

Jzero

Lifer
Oct 10, 1999
18,834
1
0
Band Geek Jokes:
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a flute and a lawnmower engine?
A: You can tune a lawnmower engine.
 

AgentEL

Golden Member
Jun 25, 2001
1,327
0
0
Originally posted by: azazyel
not that nerdy but...

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a Brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a BrIoni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one? The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoShop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog."

haha... i'm sending this one to all my consultant friends!
 

gistech1978

Diamond Member
Aug 30, 2002
5,047
0
0
Originally posted by: Jzero
Band Geek Jokes:
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a flute and a lawnmower engine?
A: You can tune a lawnmower engine.

nice.
<---ex band geek
 

azazyel

Diamond Member
Oct 6, 2000
5,872
1
76
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are all golfing one afternoon.

The group in front of them was playing rather slowly, and the engineer was getting a little testy. He pulled aside a groundskeeper that was passing by and asked why the group in front were playing so slowly. The groundskeeper replied that they were firefighters and they lost their vision putting out a blaze at the country club.

"I'll have them in my prayers." said the priest.
"I'll see if one of my associates can do anything to help restore their vision." said the doctor.
"This is stupid," said the engineer, "Why can't they just play at night?"
 

imported_Tomato

Diamond Member
Sep 11, 2002
7,608
0
0
A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher: "Mrs. Brown, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!"


A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board.

Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.

He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!"

The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."


A Cherokee indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of buffalo hide. A few days later, the second squaw gave birth, and also had a boy. The chief was extremely happy; he built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third squaw gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the birth details a secret. He built the woman a teepee out of hippopotamus hide, and challenged the people in the tribe to guess the most recent birth details, the correct guesser receiving a fine prize. Several of his people tried, but were unsuccessful in their guesses.

Finally, a young brave came forth and declared that the third wife had delivered twin boys. "Correct!", cried the chief. "How did you know"?

"It's simple", replied the warrior. "The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."


Q: Where do mathematicians go shopping?
A: At the decimall. (And when they park, they put their money in the decimeter.)

Q: Can an english major learn math?
A: Cosecant!

Q: What is a backwards written integral sign?
A: An impropral integral.

Q: What do you get when you cross a mountain goat and a mountain climber?
A: Nothing. You can't cross two scalars.

Q: What's non-orientable and lives in the sea?
A: Mobius Dick.

Q: What do you get when you put a spinning flywheel in a casket and turn a corner?
A: A funeral precession.

Q: What did the circle say to the tangent line?
A: "Stop touching me!"

Q: What's yellow, linear, normed and complete?
A: A Bananach space.

Q: What's polite and works for the phone company?
A: A deferential operator.

Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.


 

Ketteringo

Banned
Feb 2, 2002
4,302
0
0
Two bytes are in a bar...

...one turns to the other and says,
"I'm not feeling well. I think I might have a parity error."

The other says, "yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."
 

imported_Tomato

Diamond Member
Sep 11, 2002
7,608
0
0
Q: What does an analytic number theoriest say when he is drowning?
A: Log-log, log-log, log-log...

Q: What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal.
But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.

Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
A: Because he wasn't Abel.

Two mathematicians are looking at a convergent series. The first one says, "Do you realize that the series converges even when all the terms are made positive?"
The second asks, "Are you sure about that?" The first replies "Absolutely!"

Did you hear about the guy who wanted his windows cleaned?
He had Bose-Einstien condensation.

Q: What is the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty Therapist?
A: The Quantum Theorist uses Planck's Constant as a foundation, whereas the Beauty Therapist uses Max Factor.

Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: "You may have graduated but I've got many degrees"

Q: What did one photon say to the other photon?
A: I'm sick and tired of your interference.

Q. What did one electron say to the other electron?
A. Don't get excited. You'll only get into a state!


Albert Einstein married his cousin. He had tried to date outside his family circle, but he never found any women appealing - especially in the breast department - that weren't within his familial group. He postulated that there is a special attraction to women in one's own family in his Theory of Relative Titty.
 

dethman

Lifer
Oct 12, 1999
10,264
3
76
so heisenberg was on the highway, speeding along mightily in his porsche when a cop sees him and pulls him over.

cop walks up to the car and asks him: "sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

so heisenberg replies: 'no, but i know where i was!"
 

azazyel

Diamond Member
Oct 6, 2000
5,872
1
76
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in I.T." says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no bloody use to anyone."

The man below says "you must work in business."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where the hell you are, or where the hell you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
 

imported_Tomato

Diamond Member
Sep 11, 2002
7,608
0
0
Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!"

The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"

"Yes, I'm positive!"


Q: Why did the cat fall off the roof?
A: Because he lost his mu.
(mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)


Two electron convicts are sitting in a jail cell together.

The first one says, "What are you in for?"

The second one says, "For attempting a forbidden transition."


Got mole problems? Call Avogadro at 602-1023.


Did you hear about the French post-doc who went to work at the Fermi Lab, but never went in because the sign over the door always said it was closed?


Q: What do you call it when atomic scientists grab their rods and gather around the old watering hole?
A: Nuclear fishin'.


An engineer friend of mine told me of a group of scientists that were nominated for a Nobel prize. Using dental tools, they were able to sort out the smallest particles that mankind has yet discovered. The group became known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark."


Q: If you roll an orange across a table, what physical force brings it to a halt?
A: Pulp Friction!


Q: What weapon can you make from the Chemicals Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
A: KNiFe.