Originally posted by: Ilmater
WARNING!!!! THIS MAY OFFEND YOU!!! I'm one of the most cynical people I know and I love morbid humor. I'm also agnostic, giving me a whole different kind of cynicism about religion. Before reading, mentally promise yourself that you won't start flaming this thread. You have been warned, and so I take no further responsibility if I offend your sensibilities. ... And by the way, I'm mostly pro-war.
Only two other people besides myself in this thread AREN'T idiots. We're OBVIOUSLY going on a geographical basis. Syria was right next to Iraq, so they were next. Then we'll say that since we didn't find anything in Syria, it's because they moved everything to Jordan. Then when we don't find anything in Jordan, we'll invade Palestine. Then when we don't find anything there, we'll go all the way back to Turkey saying that Syria sent most of their stuff there, actually. Plus, by then, they'll probably have done something against the Kurds AND we'll have them for ignoring all of those other UN resolutions.
Then we'll say sorry to Jordan and the Palestinians. Israel will invade Egypt because... they can (and I won't miss Egypt, that's for sure; we can finish what Napoleon and Hitler started by pillaging their pyramids). Then we'll go after Iran since they are weird... I mean, since Turkey will move all of Iraq's WMDs that got moved from Syria there. Iran will beat the snot out of us and we'll retreat, saying that, in fact, we won, but we decided to leave the land behind in shambles. Our Information Minister will then commit suicide. Iran will then send all of its people - some
99% Muslims - over half of which are men sucked in by the promises of a heaven with women that look many times better than their wives (BLEH!), to America on suicide attacks. This will embolden the Chechnyans and they'll not only kick the Russian military out of Chechnya, but they'll also bring Muslims from many other areas in to help them in their fight. They'll eventually fight to Moscow. Russia is then called Russa Al-Salaad.
Meanwhile, the Iranians are blowing up the "infidels" in America (those sinners dare to look at scantily-clad women in their clothing catalogs!!!) by the 10s of 1,000s. Americans then have to plant victory gardens to feed themselves. They're all dead before the crops grow. The Russa Al-Salaad government then sends its military into France who had actually surrendered months before. The world is indifferent after Russa's statement, "Did you really give a sh*t about the French anyway?" After Fraalalahbad (previously France) is established, the Germans attack that country, claiming it as their own since WWII. Fraalalahbad, Russa Al-Salaad and Iran all call for Jihad against the Germans. The British laugh at the Germans until they, too, are attacked and taken over.
At this point, someone realizes that India was nuked into submission three months ago by Pakistan (which now includes the land formerly known as Afghanistan) and is now used by Islamic fundamentalists as a training ground... well, the "clean" parts anyway. Most of the 'stans are either taken over by Pakistan or turned into Islamic countries by revolts. The U.S. is now known as West India because it, too, was nuked into submission. Islamic groups blow through Mexico and Central America. They stop in Columbia to smoke a few million bowls and snort themselves silly.
Peace abides for a few months, while at the same time NOBODY EVER SLEEPS!!!!
Then they remember that the weed they're smoking should be their own and they take over Columbia as well. However, they no longer have an American youth culture to sell to. Columbia is burnt to the ground.
A few months of more peace abide while everyone gets high off the fumes.
Since no South American government at this point has held control of a significant part of its respective country for more than a week, they're easy prey. The Muslims in South America remember that there's a country above West India but remember that their leaders are actually Islamic fundamentalists as well, so they just leave that country alone as it's not worth the time. Russa Al-Salaad and Fraalalahbad urge the UN security council (which now consists of only themselves) to invade Spain and Italy because they're harboring Spanish and Italian people. Months of debating ensues. Fraalalahbad invades Spain preemptively only to be beaten back by water pistols (the "France effect" has set in by this point) so they call for a Jihad. Russa Al-Salaad steps in and decides to finish off Europe. The war isn't going very well by the time they get to Romania, so they do what that country has done since the beginning of time: throw more people at the problem. Billions are lost, but the country that was once Russia manages, once again, to prevail.
Nobody bothers with Africa because, as Iran puts it, "They're even crazier than we are my fellow religious zealots."
For some reason, everyone was so caught up with other areas, they completely forgot about Israel who knocked down the Temple Mount and rebuilt the Temple of David. When God DIDN'T appear, they all realized they'd been wasting their lives (like the comic book guy in the Simpsons) and turned Israel and Egypt into a HUGE Las Vegas. They all catch the hiv and die.
Muslims that come in laugh at the fate of the Jews, but are angered by the destruction of the Temple. Then they remember that before WWII it wasn't even in the top 50 holy sites of Islam and only became important because they knew it would tick off the Israelis.
Somebody forgets to put out the fires in South America and the entire continent is burnt to a crisp. Smoke covers the sky over the entire hemisphere, sending it into the next ice age for a couple of months. Afterwards, the loss of the rain forests there speeds up global warming. The polar ice caps melt and the entire world is flooded. Only one boat of people survive. One guy on the boat claims to speak to God. He's thrown overboard. Atheism reigns supreme.
On the serious side, I really hope no military action is taken against Syria, though I REALLY don't think there will be. I'm not worried about it because I don't think that we CAN invade Syria at this point. Everyone will rally against us... including me.
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