SFBG It's Funny in Kansas
I hate to double dip but some of these deserve this forum more than ATOT.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH I don't think I should have to answer that question.
AL GORE I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the heels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE I do not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it.
SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?
Sung to the children's tune "If You're Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands"
If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If we're itchin' for some drama, bomb Iraq.
If we cannot find Osama,
And we're itchin' for some drama,
If we cannot find Osama,
Bomb Iraq.
If we're worried about oil, bomb Iraq.
Never mind it's foreign soil, bomb Iraq.
Mr. Nuke we cannot see ya,
What the Hell is North Korea?
If we're worried about oil,
Bomb Iraq.
The economy needs liftin', bomb Iraq.
Popularity polls are shiftin', bomb Iraq.
So the smokin' gun's not smokin',
We don't care and we're not jokin',
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.
Even though we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions.
Bomb Iraq.
Axis of Evil by John Cleese Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.
"Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . . we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded that they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussien. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable."
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics." Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the"Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick."
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
I hate to double dip but some of these deserve this forum more than ATOT.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
GEORGE W. BUSH I don't think I should have to answer that question.
AL GORE I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.
RALPH NADER The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the heels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.
MARTHA STEWART No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
DR. SEUSS Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, But why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it overcame a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
VOLTAIRE I do not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.
RONALD REAGAN What chicken?
CAPTAIN KIRK To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it.
SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
THE BIBLE And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS I missed one?
Sung to the children's tune "If You're Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands"
If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
If we're itchin' for some drama, bomb Iraq.
If we cannot find Osama,
And we're itchin' for some drama,
If we cannot find Osama,
Bomb Iraq.
If we're worried about oil, bomb Iraq.
Never mind it's foreign soil, bomb Iraq.
Mr. Nuke we cannot see ya,
What the Hell is North Korea?
If we're worried about oil,
Bomb Iraq.
The economy needs liftin', bomb Iraq.
Popularity polls are shiftin', bomb Iraq.
So the smokin' gun's not smokin',
We don't care and we're not jokin',
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Bomb Iraq.
Even though we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections,
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions.
Bomb Iraq.
Axis of Evil by John Cleese Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.
"Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at being evil . . . we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded that they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.
"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
"An axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussien. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable."
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics." Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the"Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick."
"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
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