You Might Be A Republican If...
You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people
were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic
minority here) friend"
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to
welfare.
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck,
they're richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons
of bitches."
You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
You answer to "The Man."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch
it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse
Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western
values."
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks
your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of
racism in America.
You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition
dictates...."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
Best Surgical Patients
Five surgeons are discussing who are the best type of surgical
patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction
workers ... those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than
you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're
all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are
no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are
interchangeable."
You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people
were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic
minority here) friend"
You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to
welfare.
You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck,
they're richer than you.
You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons
of bitches."
You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
You answer to "The Man."
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch
it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse
Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.
You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western
values."
When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks
your home.
Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of
racism in America.
You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
You've ever called education a luxury.
You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
You're afraid of the liberal media."
You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition
dictates...."
You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can
because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
You confuse Lenin with Lennon.
Best Surgical Patients
Five surgeons are discussing who are the best type of surgical
patients.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the
best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction
workers ... those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than
you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're
all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are
no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are
interchangeable."
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