POETRY!! After a Long HIATUS...

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Cheetara

Member
Dec 30, 2003
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I loved all your responses before, I'm glad you all love my poetry. You all know, it isn't easy writing from the soul and most of you know it's not something you will ever do, so I try to do it for you. Let me know your thoughts! I appreciate any honest, sincere criticism.



You looked just like me,
Moved the way I did.
The slope of your cheek,
the fullness of your lips.
The furrow of your brow,
what troubles you so?
And yet I fear you are not real,
In a world where everything is reversed.
I am not alone, I have my shadow.
When I put this mirror of my soul down,
I will be with out you, my reflection.
 
C

Cheetara

Member
Dec 30, 2003
85
0
0
Originally posted by: Descartes
Thanks for the bump. It almost completely disappeared in 2 minutes.
Click to expand...

hi!! no probs! ANyhow, read away and let me know your thoughts!
 
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Descartes

Lifer
Oct 10, 1999
13,968
2
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Are you talking schizophrenically? "Troubles you so", "reflection", "fear not real", etc. suggests to me that you are juxtaposing yourself with... yourself.
 
Z

Zedtom

Platinum Member
Nov 23, 2001
2,146
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I like it.

It reminds me of something I wrote, (and can't find now), that dealt with someone reflecting back emotions you show.
 
Perknose

Perknose

Forum Director & Omnipotent Overlord
Forum Director
Oct 9, 1999
46,894
10,722
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Originally posted by: Cheetara
I loved all your responses before, I'm glad you all love my poetry. You all know, it isn't easy writing from the soul and most of you know it's not something you will ever do, so I try to do it for you. Let me know your thoughts! I appreciate any honest, sincere criticism.



You looked just like me,
Moved the way I did.
The slope of your cheek,
the fullness of your lips.
The furrow of your brow,
what troubles you so?
And yet I fear you are not real,
In a world where everything is reversed.
I am not alone, I have my shadow.
When I put this mirror of my soul down,
I will be with out you, my reflection.
Click to expand...
Honest, sincere criticism? Brace yourself.

I found your poem vague, lifeless, and riddled with cliches. It could almost be computer generated.

For example, "mirror of my soul" is one howler of a cliche -- an unwanted refugee from the land of vacuous teenage angst.

Are there other cliches in your poem? Why, yes, there are:

-- "the slope of your cheek"

-- "the fullness of your lips"

-- "the furrow of your brow"

-- "I fear you are not real"

-- "a world where everything is reversed"

-- "I am not alone"

-- "my reflection"

Other than that, your effort just crackles with originality.
 
C

Cheetara

Member
Dec 30, 2003
85
0
0
Originally posted by: Zedtom
I like it.

It reminds me of something I wrote, (and can't find now), that dealt with someone reflecting back emotions you show.
Click to expand...

really? that's awesome, if you find it, you should let me know. I'd love to read it. Yes, it's about myself and my emotions, the battles I have with myself.
 
C

Cheetara

Member
Dec 30, 2003
85
0
0
Perknose:

I appreciate your criticism; criticism is constructive in any shape of form. However, I do not feel you are grasping the true meaning of the poem. It is about the complexities of emotion and the semblance of a normal human being.
 
vshah

vshah

Lifer
Sep 20, 2003
19,003
24
81
Originally posted by: Cheetara
Perknose:

I appreciate your criticism; criticism is constructive in any shape of form. However, I do not feel you are grasping the true meaning of the poem. It is about the complexities of emotion and the semblance of a normal human being.
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please don't take offense to this, but i believe it is a failure of the poet/writer if a reader cannot grasp the complexities/meanings of a piece. writing is communication after all.

-Vivan
 
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Descartes

Lifer
Oct 10, 1999
13,968
2
0
Originally posted by: vshah
Originally posted by: Cheetara
Perknose:

I appreciate your criticism; criticism is constructive in any shape of form. However, I do not feel you are grasping the true meaning of the poem. It is about the complexities of emotion and the semblance of a normal human being.
Click to expand...

please don't take offense to this, but i believe it is a failure of the poet/writer if a reader cannot grasp the complexities/meanings of a piece. writing is communication after all.

-Vivan
Click to expand...

I completely agree with you, but it seems many feel that simply writing an abstruse piece with floorid speech constitutes art, poetry, etc. If people can't immediately understand what's meant so many automatically assume it's profound. This is obvious if you've ever attended a poetry reading. I'm not saying Cheetara's was like that, because although my interpretation might be wrong, there was still some linguistic value in it, imo.

"He spoke for five minutes, but what did he say?" It's like being at a political convention.
 
Perknose

Perknose

Forum Director & Omnipotent Overlord
Forum Director
Oct 9, 1999
46,894
10,722
147
Originally posted by: Cheetara
Perknose:

I appreciate your criticism; criticism is constructive in any shape of form. However, I do not feel you are grasping the true meaning of the poem. It is about the complexities of emotion and the semblance of a normal human being.
Click to expand...
Well, then, to thine own self be true.

I did understand what you were trying to do, but felt that your attempt was far too generic and cliched to have any real meaning or impact.

Speaking as you did about your emotions in the vapid abstract, you could be anyone, even, indeed, a computer so programmed to spit out such generalities. Try grounding your poems in the specific here and now, with time and place, warp and woof -- flyspecks, grit and all.

Include YOU -- not the you of your dreams, but you, Billy Bob Cheetara. Mention your acne problem and your desire for better sneakers in the same poem with your overarching angst. Make it real.

And lay off the cliches.
 
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