Poems that lead us to remembrance

[Cheetara]

I looked at you so golden
cold and lifeless
remembering you.
you, my childhood companion.

Through the swirling vortex of waste,
you swim.

You deserve better,
my fish of gold.

 

[Cheetara]

Just a poem about youth and all its ups and downs. Hope you guys like it.

 

[Cheetara]

Originally posted by: Cheetara
Just a poem about youth and all its ups and downs. Hope you guys like it.

bump, yo.

 

[DanTMWTMP]

achk don't bump your own thread after only 1 minute!!! :|
you noob...you just want attention from your poems?

k i'm not bashing your poem, but don't bump as much just to gain attention...u'll be labled as some attention whore attempting to show off being intelligent


oh well


I looked at you so bloody and flat
cold and motionless
remembering you
you, my sadistic pleasure companion.

Your friends will get theirs soon
my fish of gold

:evil:

 

[Cheetara]

Originally posted by: DanTMWTMP
achk don't bump your own thread after only 1 minute!!! :|
you noob...you just want attention from your poems?

k i'm not bashing your poem, but don't bump as much just to gain attention...u'll be labled as some attention whore attempting to show off being intelligent


oh well


I looked at you so bloody and flat
cold and motionless
remembering you
you, my sadistic pleasure companion.

Your friends will get theirs soon
my fish of gold

:evil:

not bad dude, not bad! I like the undertones of passion and of control than run through your poem. It's an interesting rendtion of my original.
:beer:

 

[tweakmm]

Haha
I like it.

 

[Hammer]

Originally posted by: Cheetara
Just a poem about youth and all its ups and downs. Hope you guys like it.

i hated it.

 

[DanTMWTMP]

Originally posted by: Cheetara

Originally posted by: DanTMWTMP
achk don't bump your own thread after only 1 minute!!! :|
you noob...you just want attention from your poems?

k i'm not bashing your poem, but don't bump as much just to gain attention...u'll be labled as some attention whore attempting to show off being intelligent


oh well


I looked at you so bloody and flat
cold and motionless
remembering you
you, my sadistic pleasure companion.

Your friends will get theirs soon
my fish of gold

:evil:

not bad dude, not bad! I like the undertones of passion and of control than run through your poem. It's an interesting rendtion of my original.
:beer:

well, keep the poems coming..well once in awhile at least....just w/o the frequent bumprs to raise postcount++;
u can call my rendition plagerizing since I used most of your idea...just probably from a more :evil:
view :Q

 

[Cheetara]

Originally posted by: Hammer

Originally posted by: Cheetara
Just a poem about youth and all its ups and downs. Hope you guys like it.

i hated it.

dude, what didn't you love about it?? tell me, i wanna know. I wanna get better.

 

[Ninjja]

oh wow, another poem.

um....

 

[maziwanka]

you are one little....

 

[sygyzy]

Please stop posting. 55 posts and already horrible. I just saw another topic by you equally lame.

 

[marquee]

Originally posted by: Cheetara

Originally posted by: Hammer

Originally posted by: Cheetara
Just a poem about youth and all its ups and downs. Hope you guys like it.

i hated it.

dude, what didn't you love about it?? tell me, i wanna know. I wanna get better.

i didnt like it all that much either.

"cold and lifeless"... how cliche..
it doesnt rhyme, or even try to rhyme. yeah i know not all poems rhyme, but i think they're better when they do. dont have to follow an AABB or ABAB pattern necessarily, you can be creative and maybe rhyme within lines or something.
"fish of gold"? i assume you're talking about a goldfish here? again, not so creative.
"swirling vortex of waste".. assume you're talking about a toilet here? this one is good, but vortex just seems like a word you'd use in a scifi novel, not in a short poem about flushing a dead goldfish