Ya know, it surprises me that I didn't turn to you al sooner. Despite the various vices this forum holds, it seems to be a good barometer of "normalcy" and perhaps it can help me with my situation.
Do any of you suffer from what I like to call quasi-depression?
See, I used to be a very depressed person. I couldn't imagine what it was like to be happy. I saw only the darker side of things. I had an overwhelming empathy for the disadvantaged (which was obviously a transference of self-pity), and I just didn't feel like like had any meaning. A natural consequence of this was amotivation, escapism through drug use, and basically lying in bed all day.
I have gotten over that. Through the use of antidepressants, I lifted my head out of the dark cloud enough so that I could re-experience a non-depressive mindset and have since stopped taking anti-depressants (and all mind-altering drugs for that matter). On the surface of it, I am a portrait of success, or at the very least the portrait of a relatively circuitous path to success - top ten liberal arts school -> drop out for two years -> returns and hold a 3.8 gpa -> enters a good law school....
On the inside, though, I just don't feel like I'm where I could be. Having screwed up the earlier part of my undergraduate education, I wasn't able to matriculate at a top law school, and instead had to settle for a school a bit below that. I have worked myself to death in my first year, trying to prove to myself that I can live up to my potential. The big realization, however, is not that I am capable of such a thing, but that even if I am capable, such "success" still won't give me what I want. Is this the beginning of the all-too-common perpertual dissatisfaction that so many people seem to face?
I mean, in some ways I do have it all - decent looks (or so I am told), decent personality (or so I am told), a good future, a good, strong family (although my parents messy almost-divorce was heavily responsible for my initial deep depression), and youth (although its fading by the second!). In other ways, and often the view I seem to default to, I have nothing - I don't have a girlfriend, I am not at a school or position where I feel I am even able to demonstrate my potential, I have tremendous guilt over the grief I've caused my parents, and I have a brother who, though suffered like I did, seemed to make all the right choices....he is about to be accepted (I'm alomst sure of it) to a top-ten law school (but I'm not jealous in the traditional sense - I am really happy for him and he deserves it...he's busted his ass).
As if such internal problems weren't enough, I feel that the world is also about to explode. The crisis in the middle east and the underlying prejudice, racism, nationalism (read: fascism), and general us/them hostility is threatening to destroy the world I and you live in. While an explosion or a nuclear blast may not ever occur (although it looks like it will), enough damage has already been done. Whether or not you want to admit it, we are living in a different America, where anthrax attacks are now commonplace, FBI warnings about possible attacks have become expected, and the fate of our lives are called into question. How do I go to school - an "occupation" whose sole purpose is to prepare for the future - when I can't convince myself that a future even exists, or one that I want to be a part of?
Perhaps taken seperately, these are all worries that are conquerable. But taken together, there is indeed a greater sum than all of the parts - and I feel like the world is upon my shoulders. Am I the only one who feels this way? Is there something really wrong with me?
Do any of you suffer from what I like to call quasi-depression?
See, I used to be a very depressed person. I couldn't imagine what it was like to be happy. I saw only the darker side of things. I had an overwhelming empathy for the disadvantaged (which was obviously a transference of self-pity), and I just didn't feel like like had any meaning. A natural consequence of this was amotivation, escapism through drug use, and basically lying in bed all day.
I have gotten over that. Through the use of antidepressants, I lifted my head out of the dark cloud enough so that I could re-experience a non-depressive mindset and have since stopped taking anti-depressants (and all mind-altering drugs for that matter). On the surface of it, I am a portrait of success, or at the very least the portrait of a relatively circuitous path to success - top ten liberal arts school -> drop out for two years -> returns and hold a 3.8 gpa -> enters a good law school....
On the inside, though, I just don't feel like I'm where I could be. Having screwed up the earlier part of my undergraduate education, I wasn't able to matriculate at a top law school, and instead had to settle for a school a bit below that. I have worked myself to death in my first year, trying to prove to myself that I can live up to my potential. The big realization, however, is not that I am capable of such a thing, but that even if I am capable, such "success" still won't give me what I want. Is this the beginning of the all-too-common perpertual dissatisfaction that so many people seem to face?
I mean, in some ways I do have it all - decent looks (or so I am told), decent personality (or so I am told), a good future, a good, strong family (although my parents messy almost-divorce was heavily responsible for my initial deep depression), and youth (although its fading by the second!). In other ways, and often the view I seem to default to, I have nothing - I don't have a girlfriend, I am not at a school or position where I feel I am even able to demonstrate my potential, I have tremendous guilt over the grief I've caused my parents, and I have a brother who, though suffered like I did, seemed to make all the right choices....he is about to be accepted (I'm alomst sure of it) to a top-ten law school (but I'm not jealous in the traditional sense - I am really happy for him and he deserves it...he's busted his ass).
As if such internal problems weren't enough, I feel that the world is also about to explode. The crisis in the middle east and the underlying prejudice, racism, nationalism (read: fascism), and general us/them hostility is threatening to destroy the world I and you live in. While an explosion or a nuclear blast may not ever occur (although it looks like it will), enough damage has already been done. Whether or not you want to admit it, we are living in a different America, where anthrax attacks are now commonplace, FBI warnings about possible attacks have become expected, and the fate of our lives are called into question. How do I go to school - an "occupation" whose sole purpose is to prepare for the future - when I can't convince myself that a future even exists, or one that I want to be a part of?
Perhaps taken seperately, these are all worries that are conquerable. But taken together, there is indeed a greater sum than all of the parts - and I feel like the world is upon my shoulders. Am I the only one who feels this way? Is there something really wrong with me?
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