Please critique my short screenplay

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slackerinabox

Lifer
Mar 15, 2003
12,668
103
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I'm writing with the hopes of filming it for my grad school portfolio... It's an early draft but can anyone give me their honest opinion? It's a little cheesy, I know, but i'm trying to make something women would like as well (so call it a chick flic if you'd like)..BTW, this is what I call a "words on paper" draft.. I KNOW there are spelling errors and issues that need to be worked out.. It'll go through at least 5 more rewrites..
Thanks for any suggestions!
Link (pdf)

P.S. I did register this with the writers guild (using Final Draft- great feature!) and I own the copy right.. Please don't steal it (my sister, bro-in law, and gf's sister and bro-in-law are lawyers ;) ) If you like it and want to use some of it please just PM me...
 
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SuepaFly

Senior member
Jun 3, 2001
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Read it. Was decent. Except maybe the characters (like either Sam, Matt, Eaden, or Nora) need something special about their personality. Like something that stands out about them. I'm just saying this because I didn't feel particularly connected or wasn't even able to put an actual person in their places, just generic characters. This probably more applies to Sam and Matt though, one of them should have something that sort of sticks to the memory about them.
 
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FrogDog

Diamond Member
Jan 12, 2000
4,761
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I read the whole thing and that says a lot. It was pretty good I thought.
 
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Wuffsunie

Platinum Member
May 4, 2002
2,808
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Originally posted by: freedomsbeat212
I'm writing with the hopes of filming it for my grad school portfolio... It's an early draft but can anyone give me their honest opinion? It's a little cheesy, I know, but i'm trying to make something women would like as well (so call it a chick flic if you'd like)..BTW, this is what I call a "words on paper" draft.. I KNOW there are spelling errors and issues that need to be worked out.. It'll go through at least 5 more rewrites..
Thanks for any suggestions!
Link (pdf)
Click to expand...
You're applying to grad school and your spelling is that atrocious? Well, perhaps that's a little harsh. Still, a couple really amature mistakes.

As for the script itself, it lacks bite. You've got a very carbon copy, stereotyped, chick flick. Nora and Eadan especially strike me this way. Sam and Matt seem equally flat. Frankly those p!ss me off. Boring cr@p like this pollutes modern cinema way too much, IMO. Frank writing what he hears about in the coffee shop is interesting as an idea, but you need to do way more to realize it. I believe it was Adaptation that actually SHOWED what the writer was putting to paper. Now if you give Frank a slightly warped imagination you could have some real fun with these tales.

Now, based on the end, it looks like you're going to have Frank and Nora get together. That's fine if you want to go the usual romantic, three-hanky movie route. What I think would be more interesting is a showcase of odd, strange, romantic, and tragic things that are the lives of regulars and one-time customers in this coffee bar. Leave Frank as a non-entity that we learn about only through his interpretations of other people's dreams and conversations.

In the end, it's of course your story. You can do what you want. About the only standing judgment that I have on this piece is that the characters are REALLY flat. They definitely need some more attitude. A little wit, definitely some humour on their part would be good. And try to cut back on the raging stereotypes.

-- Jack

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to
make sense.
-- Mark Twain
 
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