Please critique my intro

[InlineFour]

any grammar mistakes or tips on improving fluidity, please let me know. 🙂

A debatable question, is it better to be feared or loved? Human nature says it is best to be both feared by the enemy and loved by the friend. In Greek Mythology, gods and goddesses possessed great strengths that made mortals fear them. These strengths made the mortals fearful and powerless. On the other hand, love can make humans die for what they love or believe in. The film, A Bronx Tale, by writer Chazz Palminteri pointed out that it was better to be loved than feared. The mob leader, Sonny, lived in a neighborhood that had ongoing racism and violence. Through Sonny?s life experiences, Palminteri proved to the audience it is better to be loved than feared.

 

[jumpr]

Your first sentence is a fragment.

 

[tfinch2]

A debatable question, whether it is better to be feared or loved?

Way to start... 😕

 

[djheater]

Originally posted by: InlineFour
any grammar mistakes or tips on improving fluidity, please let me know. 🙂

A debatable question, whether it is better to be feared or loved? Human nature says it is best to be both feared by the enemy and loved by the friend. In Greek Mythology, gods and goddesses possessed great strengths that made mortals fear them. This, in turn, made the mortals fearful and powerless. On the other hand, love can make humans die for what they love or believe in. The film, A Bronx Tale, by writer Chazz Palminteri pointed out that it was better to be loved than feared. The mob leader, Sonny, lived in a neighborhood that had ongoing racism and violence. Through Sonny?s life experiences, Palminteri proved to the audience it is better to be loved than feared.

That's acceptable for a spoken speech where you can add the necessary inflection but as a written piece it's confusing IMO. You are going in too many directions for one paragraph to handle. Simplify, simplify, simplify.

(The first sentence could work if spoken but not at all if written, as has been said it's a fragment, though you could get away with "Is it better to be feared or loved? A debatable question.)

 

[InlineFour]

can you tell me where the confusion begins?

i really suck at writing. 🙁

 

[everman]

You can rephrase each sentence into something quite a lot better. Usage of commas isn't very good. IE: "This, in turn, made the mortals fearful and powerless." is bad. What is the sentence even referring to exactly?

 

[InlineFour]

Originally posted by: everman
You can rephrase each sentence into something quite a lot better. Usage of commas isn't very good. IE: "This, in turn, made the mortals fearful and powerless." is bad. What is the sentence even referring to exactly?

the previous sentence. "In Greek Mythology, gods and goddesses possessed great strengths that made mortals fear them."

 

[dawnbug]

Originally posted by: InlineFour

Originally posted by: everman
You can rephrase each sentence into something quite a lot better. Usage of commas isn't very good. IE: "This, in turn, made the mortals fearful and powerless." is bad. What is the sentence even referring to exactly?

the previous sentence. "In Greek Mythology, gods and goddesses possessed great strengths that made mortals fear them."

So the fear made the mortals fearful and powerless?

You've got some good ideas going on. They just need some work.

 

[jumpr]

Originally posted by: InlineFour

Originally posted by: everman
You can rephrase each sentence into something quite a lot better. Usage of commas isn't very good. IE: "This, in turn, made the mortals fearful and powerless." is bad. What is the sentence even referring to exactly?

the previous sentence. "In Greek Mythology, gods and goddesses possessed great strengths that made mortals fear them."

Never use "this" alone. You should write, "These strengths made..."

 

[Baked]

I stopped reading after the first sentence. Just pay somebody else to write for you.

 

[everman]

Originally posted by: InlineFour

Originally posted by: everman
You can rephrase each sentence into something quite a lot better. Usage of commas isn't very good. IE: "This, in turn, made the mortals fearful and powerless." is bad. What is the sentence even referring to exactly?

the previous sentence. "In Greek Mythology, gods and goddesses possessed great strengths that made mortals fear them."

What I'm getting at is that you can combine the two sentences into one complete idea. Something like, "People feared the Greek Gods due to their powers and strength".

 

[InlineFour]

Originally posted by: Baked
I stopped reading after the first sentence. Just pay somebody else to write for you.

thanks 🙁

 

[djheater]

Originally posted by: InlineFour
can you tell me where the confusion begins?

i really suck at writing. 🙁

This is how I would write it. I'm not suggesting that you use it ver batim just take a look and see if you can get a better idea of flow.....
write out your thoughts and then revise, revise, revise... don't be afraid of seventy drafts 🙂 (I did not recheck my grammar... which you should do two or three times... )

Is it better to be feared or loved? One might think it is best to be both feared by our enemies and loved by our friends. The Greek gods strengths made mortals fear them, on the other hand, we honor and respect those who die for love or a cherished belief. In, A Bronx Tale, by Chazz Palminteri, the mob leader Sonny lived in a neighborhood of ongoing racism and violence. Through Sonny?s life experiences, Palminteri proved to the audience it is better to be loved than feared.

 

[venk]

sounds mostly like BS

congrats, you figured out high school english 😛

 

[InlineFour]

djheater, that was great.

how do i become a better writer like yourself?

 

[simms]

I would grade it a 6 or 7/10.

 

[djheater]

Originally posted by: InlineFour
djheater, that was great.

how do i become a better writer like yourself?

Read. Lots. Great writers, and I am not one, are the sum of everything they've read. Our socialization leads us to consider pre-modern literature to be more erudite, so start with anything before 1860 that catches your eye.

 

[InlineFour]

that's what i suspected. i'm not a big reader and that's why my writing skills are weak.