Well after my last thread i rewrote my personal statement....im looking for constructive criticism and writing help. I know its really long and that they prolly wont even read the whole thing so i need some help cutting it down. Also i dont know if im reflecting enough on my experiance....
The prompts:
-Reflecting on your family's experiences and personal circumstances, what would you like to tell us that is not already revealed or explained sufficiently in your application?
-What you do in the classroom defines only a part of who you are. How do you spend your time when you are not in class or studying? Focus on one activity, two at the most, and discuss what you have gained from your involvement.
And the Personal Statement draft:
As we stepped off the bus anxiety and excitement filled the air, little did we know we were embarking on an unforgettable journey that would change our lives. My fellow students and I had just arrived at our 4 day summer retreat to Camp Anytown. We unloaded the bus, sleeping bags and all, and were herded into a large room where 60 chairs sat in a large circle. We sat and as we waited to begin, some talked about their summer, while others stared at the floor or ceiling with a vague expression that seemed to say, "Why are we here?" I felt the same.
Most of us knew very little about Anytown besides what friends had told us, "You cry a lot there." We soon found out Anytown was a unique blend of "summer camp meets diversity-training." We were the delegates, as they called us, chosen to represent our school and community. Camp Anytown was not your average camp; there were no arts and crafts, and no emphasis on the sciences. Instead we had come to learn about bias, bigotry, discrimination, and oppression; to hear the stories of others and to tell our own. I'll have to admit I was nervous, even a bit scared. I had seen a lot of the kids around school, but I didn't now a lot of them personally. Although I am embarrassed to say it now, I was intimidated by many of the delegates, mainly because they were more popular. I thought, as usual, I would be left out, in the shadows of the other individuals only to be forgotten, but that impression soon changed.
The first day of this unique experience was all about team building. We played games that were fun, but cleverly designed force people to trust and interact with one another; this was to prepare us for the days to come. Councilors and Delegates interacted on the same level, we were all peers. We all developed a sense of trust, my peers trusted me, and I trusted them. That day we began one of the first of our many intense and meaningful sessions called "Prejudice Night." The camp director identified particular ethnic/minority groups: African-Americans, Middle-Eastern, Whites, and Gays. Each group was told to step out of the room, meanwhile the other delegates inside, armed with slurs, stereotypes, and a marker wrote down everything prejudice they could think of. While my group and I were outside we began to reflect, "big deal, we already know what their going to write up there?so what's the point?" But as we were called back into the room it was unexpectedly heartbreaking to see the hateful words that were posted on the walls. As we read the posters, a few of us began to get teary-eyed, we consoled each other, and then in the larger group we openly discussed the words that stood before us. I found that many of the words posted on the walls that night, I had heard before from strangers, friends, relatives, and sadly even myself. After seeing the indirect effects of these words on our fellow delegates, we were all happy to eliminate them from our vocabulary.
Slowly, we began to emerge from our shells, and opened up to each other. I attached myself to a group of delegates I didn't know too well, and despite my initial fears, we began to form a bond. Many of the delegates who at first I had found intimidating were now as gentle, caring, and trustworthy as those closest to me. We felt that we could all relate to one another, although we all were from different backgrounds we still had so much in common. The next morning we all formed a straight line outside, delegates and counselors stood shoulder to shoulder as the camp director instructed out loud: "If one or both your parents completed college, please step forward. If one or both your parents never completed high school, please step back." Suddenly, our line wasn't so straight. "If your ancestors were forced to move to this country, or ever forced out of their homes, take a step back. If while growing up you had more then fifty books in your house, take a step forward." The questions continued, by the end of the exercise, I found myself towards the back; I was detached from my friends and classmates, many of them were in front of me, many far behind me, and a few still close to me. The scatter was composed of, Caucasians, mostly in the front, and behind them were the Latinos, Asians, Middle-Eastern, Indians and a few African-Americans. In the end the wall that stood before us represented success, dreams, and ambitions to be fulfilled. For some the wall was only an arm's reach away, and yet for others the wall seemed painfully far away.
The next day our topic was gender. This day held the biggest surprise for me. I expected emotional discussions the night before, but I was not prepared for what I would experience that night. The director split us into two groups, male and female. We as the males were required to write down stereotypes of women and what information about women we would pass down to our sons. The females did the same for the men. When both groups were brought together we shared our posters. Each side had represented the opposite sex in a harsh and mostly untrue way. We continued the night with a stand-up/sit-down activity revolving around gender and sexuality. The director began, "If you have ever been sexually assaulted, stand up?If you have thought you weren't masculine enough, stand up." When all the questions were over it was heartbreaking to see how many young women had been sexually assaulted and how many young men had felt as though they were not masculine enough. The room burst into tears as we consoled each other. This was the most emotional night of the 4 day experience, few eyes were left dry, and I am not embarrassed to say mine were also tearing.
Every night at Anytown we had a traditional campfire. We sang songs, danced, and enjoyed ourselves. But on this special night we took a symbolic approach. All the posters we had made from the previous nights were gathered and each person tore a piece. The posters were used to feed the fire that brought us so close together. We soon knew our times at Anytown were coming to an end, and we were already sad to leave. On the last night we held a candle passing ceremony where a candle is passed around a dark room where everyone has a chance to speak their mind. As the candle was passed emotions began to pour like the other nights, we all thanked each other and the administrators for making Camp Anytown happen. We all took a pledge to share our experiences with our friends, family and even strangers.
As I stood with several of my newfound friends waiting to get on the bus back home, there was no question that we had all significantly opened up our hearts, minds, and eyes. Who would have thought that 4 days could make such a strong impression on the lives of a group of teens? The Anytown Experience has been a journey of self-discovery as I reexamined my own beliefs and practices in a loving environment. Most importantly I have grown as a person, I have gained essential leadership skills, and I am no longer intimidated by how others perceive me. This defining experience also taught me that I can make a difference. By the interactions with friends, classmates, and strangers alike, I continue to spread the gift of the Anytown experience.
The prompts:
-Reflecting on your family's experiences and personal circumstances, what would you like to tell us that is not already revealed or explained sufficiently in your application?
-What you do in the classroom defines only a part of who you are. How do you spend your time when you are not in class or studying? Focus on one activity, two at the most, and discuss what you have gained from your involvement.
And the Personal Statement draft:
As we stepped off the bus anxiety and excitement filled the air, little did we know we were embarking on an unforgettable journey that would change our lives. My fellow students and I had just arrived at our 4 day summer retreat to Camp Anytown. We unloaded the bus, sleeping bags and all, and were herded into a large room where 60 chairs sat in a large circle. We sat and as we waited to begin, some talked about their summer, while others stared at the floor or ceiling with a vague expression that seemed to say, "Why are we here?" I felt the same.
Most of us knew very little about Anytown besides what friends had told us, "You cry a lot there." We soon found out Anytown was a unique blend of "summer camp meets diversity-training." We were the delegates, as they called us, chosen to represent our school and community. Camp Anytown was not your average camp; there were no arts and crafts, and no emphasis on the sciences. Instead we had come to learn about bias, bigotry, discrimination, and oppression; to hear the stories of others and to tell our own. I'll have to admit I was nervous, even a bit scared. I had seen a lot of the kids around school, but I didn't now a lot of them personally. Although I am embarrassed to say it now, I was intimidated by many of the delegates, mainly because they were more popular. I thought, as usual, I would be left out, in the shadows of the other individuals only to be forgotten, but that impression soon changed.
The first day of this unique experience was all about team building. We played games that were fun, but cleverly designed force people to trust and interact with one another; this was to prepare us for the days to come. Councilors and Delegates interacted on the same level, we were all peers. We all developed a sense of trust, my peers trusted me, and I trusted them. That day we began one of the first of our many intense and meaningful sessions called "Prejudice Night." The camp director identified particular ethnic/minority groups: African-Americans, Middle-Eastern, Whites, and Gays. Each group was told to step out of the room, meanwhile the other delegates inside, armed with slurs, stereotypes, and a marker wrote down everything prejudice they could think of. While my group and I were outside we began to reflect, "big deal, we already know what their going to write up there?so what's the point?" But as we were called back into the room it was unexpectedly heartbreaking to see the hateful words that were posted on the walls. As we read the posters, a few of us began to get teary-eyed, we consoled each other, and then in the larger group we openly discussed the words that stood before us. I found that many of the words posted on the walls that night, I had heard before from strangers, friends, relatives, and sadly even myself. After seeing the indirect effects of these words on our fellow delegates, we were all happy to eliminate them from our vocabulary.
Slowly, we began to emerge from our shells, and opened up to each other. I attached myself to a group of delegates I didn't know too well, and despite my initial fears, we began to form a bond. Many of the delegates who at first I had found intimidating were now as gentle, caring, and trustworthy as those closest to me. We felt that we could all relate to one another, although we all were from different backgrounds we still had so much in common. The next morning we all formed a straight line outside, delegates and counselors stood shoulder to shoulder as the camp director instructed out loud: "If one or both your parents completed college, please step forward. If one or both your parents never completed high school, please step back." Suddenly, our line wasn't so straight. "If your ancestors were forced to move to this country, or ever forced out of their homes, take a step back. If while growing up you had more then fifty books in your house, take a step forward." The questions continued, by the end of the exercise, I found myself towards the back; I was detached from my friends and classmates, many of them were in front of me, many far behind me, and a few still close to me. The scatter was composed of, Caucasians, mostly in the front, and behind them were the Latinos, Asians, Middle-Eastern, Indians and a few African-Americans. In the end the wall that stood before us represented success, dreams, and ambitions to be fulfilled. For some the wall was only an arm's reach away, and yet for others the wall seemed painfully far away.
The next day our topic was gender. This day held the biggest surprise for me. I expected emotional discussions the night before, but I was not prepared for what I would experience that night. The director split us into two groups, male and female. We as the males were required to write down stereotypes of women and what information about women we would pass down to our sons. The females did the same for the men. When both groups were brought together we shared our posters. Each side had represented the opposite sex in a harsh and mostly untrue way. We continued the night with a stand-up/sit-down activity revolving around gender and sexuality. The director began, "If you have ever been sexually assaulted, stand up?If you have thought you weren't masculine enough, stand up." When all the questions were over it was heartbreaking to see how many young women had been sexually assaulted and how many young men had felt as though they were not masculine enough. The room burst into tears as we consoled each other. This was the most emotional night of the 4 day experience, few eyes were left dry, and I am not embarrassed to say mine were also tearing.
Every night at Anytown we had a traditional campfire. We sang songs, danced, and enjoyed ourselves. But on this special night we took a symbolic approach. All the posters we had made from the previous nights were gathered and each person tore a piece. The posters were used to feed the fire that brought us so close together. We soon knew our times at Anytown were coming to an end, and we were already sad to leave. On the last night we held a candle passing ceremony where a candle is passed around a dark room where everyone has a chance to speak their mind. As the candle was passed emotions began to pour like the other nights, we all thanked each other and the administrators for making Camp Anytown happen. We all took a pledge to share our experiences with our friends, family and even strangers.
As I stood with several of my newfound friends waiting to get on the bus back home, there was no question that we had all significantly opened up our hearts, minds, and eyes. Who would have thought that 4 days could make such a strong impression on the lives of a group of teens? The Anytown Experience has been a journey of self-discovery as I reexamined my own beliefs and practices in a loving environment. Most importantly I have grown as a person, I have gained essential leadership skills, and I am no longer intimidated by how others perceive me. This defining experience also taught me that I can make a difference. By the interactions with friends, classmates, and strangers alike, I continue to spread the gift of the Anytown experience.
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