• We’re currently investigating an issue related to the forum theme and styling that is impacting page layout and visual formatting. The problem has been identified, and we are actively working on a resolution. There is no impact to user data or functionality, this is strictly a front-end display issue. We’ll post an update once the fix has been deployed. Thanks for your patience while we get this sorted.

People who are good in english... help!

A

Antoneo

Diamond Member
Hey everybody, can you just comment on my introductory paragraph? Comment on the thesis and if the topic of the essay is clear and or not would be helpful:

Strength and masculinity is not everything and this is the gist that is presented to the reader by Earnest Hemmingway in his novel, The Sun Also Rises. Hemmingway uses bullfighting in the novel in order to provide the necessary imagery. Bulls are extravagant creatures; they represent glory, strength, and masculinity. As one traverses the road of life however, it becomes apparent that those values can bring an individual only so far.
 


<< Strength and masculinity is not everything and this is the gist that is presented to the reader by Earnest Hemmingway in his novel, The Sun Also Rises >>




eeek!!

There are many things which are important in this world, but strength and masculinity are not, this is the main point presented by Ernest Hemmingway, in his novel, The Sun Also Rises.

That could be refined more, but i tried to keep your words as much as possible. I would not use the word &quot;gist,&quot; as it sounds too impersonal.

You should put in a line about other important virtues.
 
The first thing you need to know when writing an essay about Hemingway is how to spell &quot;Hemingway.&quot; 😉
 


<< Hemmingway uses bullfighting in the novel in order to provide the necessary imagery. >>


Maybe instead try, &quot;Hemmingway uses bullfighting as the vehicle in which to express this parable.&quot;

I don't thing parable is the correct term though... I can't think of another word that would work well there.

(edit: a ha! after reading linuxboys post its metaphor I was looking for. But you could really use either term in the situation, depending on what you are going for)

(edit 2: wait, no metaphor wouldn't work because you don't establish the metaphor until that sentence. (going by my method) )
 
Here are my original impressions:

you use two subjects in the first sentence so is should be &quot;are not everything&quot;.

the paragraph is pretty choppy. You say that the author makes a point about bullfighting and that is imagery but you never directly state the purpose but rather go about it in a half-arsed way. Consider the following revision: &quot;In the novel, Hemingway's purpose is to examine the role of strength and masculinity not only in animal nature but also in human nature. He accomplishes this by an effective use of imagery and metaphor with bulls and bullfighting. His statement is that bulls are (fill in here) and bullfighting is (fill in here). His purpose is further progressed by (insert stuff here if you want). (now comes time for the thesis). However, as an individual meanders through the twists of his or her existense, a limit becomes apparent in adhering to the values of strength and masculinity and at one point, they must be replaced with (insert stuff here).



Here's what's wrong with your writing:
It's incoherent and sloppy. Your thought process may be great but the writing is not very logical or flowing. You need to ensure that your ideas are presented and that you have ample, clear supports. As for your thesis, I liked that you used a clause and restated your original assumptions but it is very lacking. The thesis, as was stated, merely wished to expound on the idea that masculinity is lacking. In the thesis, you should state WHAT it's lacking and also offer an alternative. An essay is very much like an argument. If I were to read the old thesis, I could say &quot;wow, great, another freaking person saying I need to have feelings&quot;. And I would expect the writer to tell me that I need to have feelings. But the way the thesis was stated, there was no &quot;why&quot; and there was no proposed alternative. Try it my way and organize the essay in the format suggested. In case you missed it, the format is to tell them about the book (what Hemingway said and how he did it), analyze the book and state what he was trying to say, and lastly, state the solution either proposed by you or the author or make an allusion to another literary work.


That should make for a good essay.


Good luck 🙂
 
Strength and masculinity alone, do not make the world go around, and so is the gist of Ernest Hemingway's novel, The Sun Also Rises. Hemingway uses bullfighting as his vehicle to express this powerful imagery . Bulls are extravagant creatures; they represent glory, strength, and masculinity. As one traverses the roads of life, however, it becomes apparent that these characteristics alone, can bring an individual only so far.

Usually (not always) less is more.🙂

Good luck.



 
Don't use &quot;to be&quot; verbs alot (is, are, be, etc.). Variety in your sentence structure might be more helpful, as well as using verbs at the beginning of your sentences.
 
1) The title of the thread needs reworking. Try &quot;People who speaking english good... help&quot;. 🙂

2) Spelling and basic grammar is lacking. 😱

On a serious note:

3) Johnlee had a good reworking of your introduction.

4) However...don't use &quot;gist&quot; in your thesis sentence. Too awkward.

5)&quot;Making the world go around&quot; is extremely cliche and should not be used ever, let alone in your thesis statement. What does it mean?

6) Linuxboy has the right idea, but I think I he totally rewrote the thing for you. Plus, it sounds as if you want more of a punchy thesis statement... Punchy is not always better, though.

 
Earnest Hemmingway's novel The Sun Also Rises explores the non-universality of bulked-up masculine strength through the metaphor of the bull fight.

Bulls are portrayed as strong, glorius masculinity that ultimately fall prey to Nature's less noble players.

😉
 
I loved that book. Full of so much perversion, drinking and sex! Hemmingway was a great author when you realize he was just a drunken, dirty old man that loved to put his thoughts into a book.
 
I never read Hemmingway. I guess I never thought him compelling.

It's a very big universe.
 


<< Strength and masculinity is not everything and this is the gist that >>


Since you have two things as your subject, you need to use the plural form of your verb. (Instead of 'is', use 'are'). Also, I don't think that I would use 'gist' in a school paper.
I like the rest...for whatever that is worth.🙂
 
I hate the word gist in there - if you want to keep that part of it in there, why not use something else, like essence or prevailing theme or central issue?

Ditto all of linuxboy's suggestions - but don't copy what he wrote - tweak his ideas and apply your own words to his outline. I've seen too many people take someone else's opening paragraph, then completely lose the rhythym it establishes because they're not able to write in the same style.




 
Here's an alternative paragraph to use if you want to take a few risks with your professor:

If you believe Hemingway, big balls and blind rage are not the keys to life. In his novel, The Sun Also Rises, he uses the thematic elements and imagery of the bull fight to convey this message. The bull is an ancient symbol of strength and masculinity. The bullfighter's exploitation of the animals nature to bring about its demise for the entertainment of others is a marvelous metaphor for the book's theme. Despite the pain and torture the animal endures, his way is not without its virtues. This is shown by the applause given a brave bull who fights to the end despite the futility of doing so.

It needs work, but you see where I am going...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

TRENDING THREADS

Back
Top