PARENTS: what's better?

daveymark

Lifer
Sep 15, 2003
10,576
1
0

The wife and I both work, she in the morning and I at night, so one of us is always there for our two year old daughter. Thing is, I work 6 nights most weeks, so the only time all of us have to spend together is one day, and that's sunday.

I'm thinking about taking a regular nine to fiver, so we can all spend more time together, the downside being that our daughter would be put in day care.

I guess the question I have is, what would be healthier? both of us spending time with her five nights a week and all day saturday and sunday, or at least one of us with her at all times?

 

Czesia

Senior member
Nov 22, 2003
296
0
0
Well, I'm not a parent, but here's my 2 cents:

I was brought up in a home where I was always with a parent. Usually it was my mom, but sometimes my dad. We never had babysitters outside of family, and none of us kids went to daycare or nursery school. While I do think that it was very beneficial to spend so much time with my family, I also think that it kept me from learning (at a young age) how to interact with other people. I personally think that if you can afford daycare, and you and your wife will truly have the time to spend evenings together with your daughter, it's the best way to go. She'll make some friends, learn how to play with other kids, and probably make you all a lot closer since you'll be able to enjoy more quality time together as a family (a few nights a week instead of just once a week). :)
 

DurocShark

Lifer
Apr 18, 2001
15,708
5
56
I agree with Czesia. Our son was in daycare most of his life, and I don't think it did a darn bit of good.

My wife is now a stay-at-home (due to lupus more than anything). I think our daughter will get some great benefit from that.
 

StageLeft

No Lifer
Sep 29, 2000
70,150
3
0
I would opt for daycare, or better yet a nanny, because basically now you have no relationship with your wife except as a babysitter, and on sundays. You have no time to spend with her, and that will inevitably distance you from her. That's not healthy for anybody (child included).
 

conjur

No Lifer
Jun 7, 2001
58,686
2
0
A good quality daycare (such as at a YMCA) can provide a nurturing environment for a child and teach them much-needed social interaction skills. Some opponents of daycare say that the daycare teachers end up raising your children. BZZZT! Wrong! My ex has worked in daycare for more than a decade and both of my daughters stayed in daycare. Their belief systems, morals, etc. are from what I and their mother have instilled in them.

Daycare workers have several other children to keep an eye on during the day. There is group time and play time and some rudimentary teaching but as for raising your children, nope...that's not happening. The time spent with parents is what children crave and having both of you together each night plus all weekend will be wonderful for your daughter. Plus, think of the joy you'll have fixing supper for her and reading to her at bedtime and giving her baths and eventually doing things with her when she's in school and into activities.

I say, go for it!
 

TheGameIs21

Golden Member
Apr 23, 2001
1,329
0
0
I am a father of three (1, 3, 7) and my wife and I have gone to great lengths to make sure that she can stay home with them. The most important reason is that durring the youngest years 0 - 5, they are most impressionable. We want myself or my wife to be the one to mold them during this time. Another thing to look at is how much money from one of the 2 jobs will go towards daycare? It never made sense for both of us to work and have one of our paychecks be tiny since the rest of it went towards daycare.

The other side of the coin is time together for the Husband and Wife. I fully understand that for one reason or another both mom and dad have to work. Since the children should be the most important thing in your lives right now, I would say you both are currently doing a very honorable thing by making sure that you form your lives around the children. It wont be much longer until they are in school and at that point you can change work schedules to allow for more time together... For right now though, I'd stick with the 2 schedules as they are.

Best case scenario is you re-evaluate your finances and try to make it so that mom or dad can stay home full time during this time. We have done MANY things to make our finances work to allow for my wife to stay home. No Cable, No eating out, We don't have the newest/best anything, Our car is 10 years old and we bought it when it was 7 years old (I ride share or take the bus), We heavily use free entertainment (parks, exhibits, library etc...), If my wife doesn't save an average of $50 at the grocery store with coupons we are doing something wrong. The list is endless. The funny thing is... We don't miss any of it.

When we had our first child, I was working as a security guard at a local private university and she made ends meet with me only making 7.50 an hour. She would spend about 8 hours a week just working coupons and looking through local grocery ads to get us the best pricing. I remember one day there was a grocery story going out of business and she went there with coupons and with the store cutting prices and honoring coupons... she got out of there with $400 worth of groceries for about $30.

I guess to answer your question... I think it would be healthier for her to have mom or dad at home with them and not in daycare. I also think that it should be the mom since the mom is actually the one that is mentally and emotionally the one that is designed to be the "caretaker". [edit due to PC police]Although I know of a few men that have been stay at home dads and have done just fine [/edit due to PC police]
 

conjur

No Lifer
Jun 7, 2001
58,686
2
0
Originally posted by: TheGameIs21
I am a father of three (1, 3, 7) and my wife and I have gone to great lengths to make sure that she can stay home with them. The most important reason is that durring the youngest years 0 - 5, they are most impressionable. We want myself or my wife to be the one to mold them during this time. Another thing to look at is how much money from one of the 2 jobs will go towards daycare? It never made sense for both of us to work and have one of our paychecks be tiny since the rest of it went towards daycare.

The other side of the coin is time together for the Husband and Wife. I fully understand that for one reason or another both mom and dad have to work. Since the children should be the most important thing in your lives right now, I would say you both are currently doing a very honorable thing by making sure that you form your lives around the children. It wont be much longer until they are in school and at that point you can change work schedules to allow for more time together... For right now though, I'd stick with the 2 schedules as they are.

Best case scenario is you re-evaluate your finances and try to make it so that mom or dad can stay home full time during this time. We have done MANY things to make our finances work to allow for my wife to stay home. No Cable, No eating out, We don't have the newest/best anything, Our car is 10 years old and we bought it when it was 7 years old (I ride share or take the bus), We heavily use free entertainment (parks, exhibits, library etc...), If my wife doesn't save an average of $50 at the grocery store with coupons we are doing something wrong. The list is endless.

When we had our first child, I was working as a security guard at a local private university and she made ends meet with me only making 7.50 an hour. She would spend about 8 hours a week just working coupons and looking through local grocery ads to get us the best pricing. I remember one day there was a grocery story going out of business and she went there with coupons and with the store cutting prices and honoring coupons... she got out of there with $400 worth of groceries for about $30.

I guess to answer your question... I think it would be healthier for her to have mom or dad at home with them and not in daycare. I also think that it should be the mom since the mom is actually the one that is mentally and emotionally the one that is designed to be the "caretaker".
I must take issue with that. I think society tends to enforce gender roles that are not necessarily valid. I did spend some time at home with my first daughter when I was first out of college. I was able to work (programming) from home and I took care of my daughter during the days.

I'd LOVE to be able to do that again should I have another child. I really enjoyed being the one reading to her, getting her down for her nap, feeding her, changing her diapers, etc. Men are just as capable as women in caring for children if they have their priorities set straight. It's stereotyping and reinforcing gender roles that short changes many single dads post-divorce. I fought for and have received 50/50 visitation and lowered child support payments as their mom is perfectly capable of providing for them as can I.

Oh well...digressing a bit so I'll shut up now. :)
 

KK

Lifer
Jan 2, 2001
15,903
4
81
Keep it just like you are doing now. Your kids are only young once, would you want to miss their childhood? I know how hard it can be on your relationship with your wife, as me and my wife are doing the same schedule as you are. You guys just got to understand that its a sacrafice that isn't permenant but has it's rewards.

KK
 

TheGameIs21

Golden Member
Apr 23, 2001
1,329
0
0
Read my edit.... And also understand that it is fact that a woman is wired differently from men and they are wired to be the ones to raise children (be the primary caretaker). I know a few men that have done this with no problems and one of them is my best friend. Even with that said... The woman is wired for it and the man isn't. Women can condition themselves to not be and men can condition themselves to be... "out of the package"... it's the woman.
 

prvteye2003

Diamond Member
Jun 19, 2003
3,876
1
0
Here's my .02 worth. My first born, a son, spent time in daycare. IMO, it gives them the experience to interact with other children and other adults too. They learn to share, learn to trust, learn to be social, and how to get along. Now, my second born, a daughter, has never been in a daycare environment but has stayed with family during her young years. She tends to be shy, doesn't like to share...although with an older brother, that's not an option...lol. I do think that if it's an option that family should spend as much time together as possible. You would become closer, and like someone else suggested, your wife would become just that and not a babysitter.
 

TheGameIs21

Golden Member
Apr 23, 2001
1,329
0
0
Originally posted by: prvteye2003
Here's my .02 worth. My first born, a son, spent time in daycare. IMO, it gives them the experience to interact with other children and other adults too. They learn to share, learn to trust, learn to be social, and how to get along. Now, my second born, a daughter, has never been in a daycare environment but has stayed with family during her young years. She tends to be shy, doesn't like to share...although with an older brother, that's not an option...lol. I do think that if it's an option that family should spend as much time together as possible. You would become closer, and like someone else suggested, your wife would become just that and not a babysitter.
Please don't take offense to this statement... When a man and woman chose to be mom and dad, they should shift their priority to raising their children. That is part of the responsiblity of being a mom or dad. You tend to lose your ability to go out and drinking all night, You lose your ability to stay in bed till noon etc... If spending time together is really that high of a priority, then you need to find out why you require 2 incomes. Some people lose a high paying job and both must take lower paying jobs to pay for the basics. Others get 4 Credit cards maxed out, 2 cars and a house and both have to work.

My wife and I have 1 $200 payment left on our vehicle and a house. That is it for debt. We have a Credit card that carries a balance for 2 months and we make to 50% payments to pay it off so we have a credit history ontop of our mortgage.

When you bring a life into the world, it is up to you to make sure you are working around the childrens needs.
 

daveymark

Lifer
Sep 15, 2003
10,576
1
0
As far as interaction with other children and being social is concerned, she does have a one hour play date with other toddlers on the block every day. It think that helps out, and we also do a parent share where we trade kids with each other for a few hours, e.g. I watch my neighbor's son, she watches my daughter.
 

TheGameIs21

Golden Member
Apr 23, 2001
1,329
0
0
Originally posted by: daveymark
As far as interaction with other children and being social is concerned, she does have a one hour play date with other toddlers on the block every day. It think that helps out, and we also do a parent share where we trade kids with each other for a few hours, e.g. I watch my neighbor's son, she watches my daughter.
Before we moved to our new house we had about 4 sets of families that would take scheduled turns at taking the kids while the other 3 couples went and did something kid free. That is something I miss. We moved to a neighborhood with 80% retirees... That is really a great setup. They had it right when they said "it takes a village."
 

StageLeft

No Lifer
Sep 29, 2000
70,150
3
0
Originally posted by: TheGameIs21
Originally posted by: daveymark
As far as interaction with other children and being social is concerned, she does have a one hour play date with other toddlers on the block every day. It think that helps out, and we also do a parent share where we trade kids with each other for a few hours, e.g. I watch my neighbor's son, she watches my daughter.
Before we moved to our new house we had about 4 sets of families that would take scheduled turns at taking the kids while the other 3 couples went and did something kid free. That is something I miss. We moved to a neighborhood with 80% retirees... That is really a great setup. They had it right when they said "it takes a village."
That sounds cool. I need in on that action when it's time :)

My plan though is for mrsskoorb to take care of our first baby so that I can go out with the boys 5 nights/week :D

 

TheGameIs21

Golden Member
Apr 23, 2001
1,329
0
0
Originally posted by: Skoorb
Originally posted by: TheGameIs21
Originally posted by: daveymark
As far as interaction with other children and being social is concerned, she does have a one hour play date with other toddlers on the block every day. It think that helps out, and we also do a parent share where we trade kids with each other for a few hours, e.g. I watch my neighbor's son, she watches my daughter.
Before we moved to our new house we had about 4 sets of families that would take scheduled turns at taking the kids while the other 3 couples went and did something kid free. That is something I miss. We moved to a neighborhood with 80% retirees... That is really a great setup. They had it right when they said "it takes a village."
That sounds cool. I need in on that action when it's time :)

My plan though is for mrsskoorb to take care of our first baby so that I can go out with the boys 5 nights/week :D
You are in for a long (possibly shortened) cold life... hahahah
 

Homerboy

Lifer
Mar 1, 2000
30,575
4,608
126
Originally posted by: TheGameIs21
I am a father of three (1, 3, 7) and my wife and I have gone to great lengths to make sure that she can stay home with them. The most important reason is that durring the youngest years 0 - 5, they are most impressionable. We want myself or my wife to be the one to mold them during this time. Another thing to look at is how much money from one of the 2 jobs will go towards daycare? It never made sense for both of us to work and have one of our paychecks be tiny since the rest of it went towards daycare.

The other side of the coin is time together for the Husband and Wife. I fully understand that for one reason or another both mom and dad have to work. Since the children should be the most important thing in your lives right now, I would say you both are currently doing a very honorable thing by making sure that you form your lives around the children. It wont be much longer until they are in school and at that point you can change work schedules to allow for more time together... For right now though, I'd stick with the 2 schedules as they are.

Best case scenario is you re-evaluate your finances and try to make it so that mom or dad can stay home full time during this time. We have done MANY things to make our finances work to allow for my wife to stay home. No Cable, No eating out, We don't have the newest/best anything, Our car is 10 years old and we bought it when it was 7 years old (I ride share or take the bus), We heavily use free entertainment (parks, exhibits, library etc...), If my wife doesn't save an average of $50 at the grocery store with coupons we are doing something wrong. The list is endless. The funny thing is... We don't miss any of it.

When we had our first child, I was working as a security guard at a local private university and she made ends meet with me only making 7.50 an hour. She would spend about 8 hours a week just working coupons and looking through local grocery ads to get us the best pricing. I remember one day there was a grocery story going out of business and she went there with coupons and with the store cutting prices and honoring coupons... she got out of there with $400 worth of groceries for about $30.

I guess to answer your question... I think it would be healthier for her to have mom or dad at home with them and not in daycare. I also think that it should be the mom since the mom is actually the one that is mentally and emotionally the one that is designed to be the "caretaker". [edit due to PC police]Although I know of a few men that have been stay at home dads and have done just fine [/edit due to PC police]



I 2nd this... We do EVERYTHING we can to make sure that one of us (in our case my wife) stays home with the kids. My children still get TONS of interaction with other people on a daily basis... my wife has a car, friends and places to go... and the kids go eveywhere with her/us and get all the social activity they need.

Its the parents job in society and "life" to raise the children that they brought into this life... not pay someone else to do so. Children can ONLY get the love attention and proerp guidance they need, especially in their formidable years from their parents. There is no arguing this with me.

Please see the other thread on daycare in ATOT... Im too lazy to link (DAMN YOU PARENTS FOR MY LAZINESS! :))

Edit: removed bold spill over.
 

PanzerIV

Diamond Member
Dec 19, 2002
6,875
1
0
daveymark, I am in the exact situation with the work schedules except I work during the day and she works nights. She chose to work then so she would be home in the morning when the kids were younger and now if they are sick or forget something at school, are in a play (like yesterday), etc. she's available for them.

If the hours aren't a strain on your relationship with your wife then I say keep things as they are. As you've mentioned your child has special times to play with other children so she is getting the social interraction that she needs. Also, in daycare she's going to come home sick more often being exposed to all of the other children with the flu, colds and whatever else they may have.

As long as one parent is giving her the love and attention she needs at all times and you're happy with your work schedule I think you're doing ok.
 

jemcam

Diamond Member
Jan 3, 2001
3,676
0
0
Of all the posters here saying the daycare is good, I'd like to ask how many of them are parents? My wife and I had my son in day care for his first year and it was terrible. We tried three or four different day care centers, and while they were all expensive, nice day care centers, we had terrible results. Baby not being fed, always picked up with a diaper full, picking up nasty habits like biting, unexplained cuts and bruises, etc.

We finally decided to quit letting 18 y.o. drop outs raise our kids and my wife quit work and she has stayed at home with him ever since. It was quite an adjustment, but I don't regret it for a second. As a matter of fact, I wish we would have thought of it before wasting all that money.

As far as social interaction goes, he had half day pre-school and sunday school starting at about age 4 or so. There's lots of kids in our neighborhood so he's had plenty of social interaction, etc.

I don't think you'll regret it for a second, especially for you child. As far as I'm concerned, he's the most precious thing I have responsibility for, and I'll only get one chance to give him my all.
 

Homerboy

Lifer
Mar 1, 2000
30,575
4,608
126
Originally posted by: jemcam
Of all the posters here saying the daycare is good, I'd like to ask how many of them are parents? My wife and I had my son in day care for his first year and it was terrible. We tried three or four different day care centers, and while they were all expensive, nice day care centers, we had terrible results. Baby not being fed, always picked up with a diaper full, picking up nasty habits like biting, unexplained cuts and bruises, etc.

We finally decided to quit letting 18 y.o. drop outs raise our kids and my wife quit work and she has stayed at home with him ever since. It was quite an adjustment, but I don't regret it for a second. As a matter of fact, I wish we would have thought of it before wasting all that money.

As far as social interaction goes, he had half day pre-school and sunday school starting at about age 4 or so. There's lots of kids in our neighborhood so he's had plenty of social interaction, etc.

I don't think you'll regret it for a second, especially for you child. As far as I'm concerned, he's the most precious thing I have responsibility for, and I'll only get one chance to give him my all.


ah... a voice of reason WITH experience. Glad you saw the light jemam.
 
Jan 18, 2001
14,465
1
0

We have a 2.5 year old. He goes to an in-home provider who is like a gramma to him, and there are 2-3 other children there for him to socialize with. its a good soluction IMO.

Daycare centers run about $1000 -/+ 150 per month here in madison. Our provider charges about 60% of that, but we have to cover when she's sick or takes vacation time. Another major plus is that she lives 9 houses down from us. major convience. :D

Edit: There is no doubt who is raising my kid. Its me and my wife.
 

Hoober

Diamond Member
Feb 9, 2001
4,361
13
81
Originally posted by: HomeBrewerDude
We have a 2.5 year old. He goes to an in-home provider who is like a gramma to him, and there are 2-3 other children there for him to socialize with. its a good soluction IMO.

Daycare centers run about $1000 -/+ 150 per month here in madison. Our provider charges about 60% of that, but we have to cover when she's sick or takes vacation time. Another major plus is that she lives 9 houses down from us. major convience. :D

Edit: There is no doubt who is raising my kid. Its me and my wife.
My wife and I looked at her staying home when our son was born in November. We decided against it mainly because she wanted to work and not stay home all the time. We found a wonderful in-home provider much like HomeBrewerDude did. We drop him off there every morning and pick him up in the evenings. He is able to interact with 4 or 5 other children all under four years old and doesn't have to go to a large "institutional" daycare center.
 

TheGameIs21

Golden Member
Apr 23, 2001
1,329
0
0
Originally posted by: TheGameIs21
Read my edit.... And also understand that it is fact that a woman is wired differently from men and they are wired to be the ones to raise children (be the primary caretaker). I know a few men that have done this with no problems and one of them is my best friend. Even with that said... The woman is wired for it and the man isn't. Women can condition themselves to not be and men can condition themselves to be... "out of the package"... it's the woman.
Thanks to my best friend who used to be a stay at home dad that just gave me this as even more proof as to why a woman is wired to be the caregiver (why didn't I mention this?)... They have the milk. There is a reason for the woman having the milk and being a nurturer. It is their biological make up. But like I said... men can adapt and use bottles but out of the package, it is the woman.
 

StageLeft

No Lifer
Sep 29, 2000
70,150
3
0
Originally posted by: HomeBrewerDude
We have a 2.5 year old. He goes to an in-home provider who is like a gramma to him, and there are 2-3 other children there for him to socialize with. its a good soluction IMO.

Daycare centers run about $1000 -/+ 150 per month here in madison. Our provider charges about 60% of that, but we have to cover when she's sick or takes vacation time. Another major plus is that she lives 9 houses down from us. major convience. :D

Edit: There is no doubt who is raising my kid. Its me and my wife.
That's exactly what we want. Some sort of a nanny person and maybe 2 other kids, so that there is some social interaction going on.

 

MoobyTheGoldenCalf

Golden Member
Jul 26, 2001
1,146
0
76
Cool, another daycare thread I can throw my 2 cents into ;)

Daycare is fine as long as you find a good one. Go to as many different places as you need to find one that is clean, has attentive teachers, a low turnover rate and a teacher to child ratio of 1:4 or better. Also try to find one where they actualy do projects with the kids and interact with them instead of just watching or babysitting them. Our son is in daycare and he loves it!
 

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