parental advice needed:

[SmiZ]

If this was the land of happiness and Soy's sister's decision had no effect on her wellbeing or the safety of those around her, I would gladly say go ahead, let her pretend to be an adult and see where her choices take her. This particular situation does not warrant that.


I know what you mean about age toph99, I had to grow up at an early age and people still say I'm 20 going on 30. But independence and maturity are also two different things. The simple fact that Soy's sister lives in a household with other people mean decisions like this affect them. As such, they have a say in what she does and who she does it with, especially because they support her needs. If she fails to see how her decisions affect those around her, then that in itself is a very good sign of immaturity.

 

[toph99]

<< If she fails to see how her decisions affect those around her, then that in itself is a very good sign of immaturity. >>



thats a good point, but like it has been said, it's a difficult decision. if they push too hard, it will add fuel to the fire and she will make sure she goes against their wishes. if they are too easy on her, then there is potential danger to the family. this is, of course, assuming that the guy is a bad person. he could/may have been in the wrong place at the wrong time, i know my friends have bee caught in situations like that. and about being in a gang, maybe he has the intentions on leaving, and realized that it can lead to no good, but many gangs will not let you out alive, which is a deterrent to leaving. he may say he is still part to save his ass, but won't/doesn't have any active part in what they do. this is the kind of thing where they have to talk to the guy, get to know him before making any drastic decisions. he may be a good kid, but he also may not be. it's not something to be judged based on a police record. how many people here have records and are still good people?

 

[Soybomb]

Okay after talking to my mom a bit more I'm mistaken, he isn't 18 yet but he's close. There goes all the statutory stuff, which might wind up being messier than its worth anyway.



<< She had this guy in her bed. Did you ask her why? >>

Not to be rude, but to have sex. She has been &quot;boy crazy&quot; for quite a while and will practically pounce on anything. He came over to sleep and for them to have sex, thats the short of it. Actually she told my mom though not to worry because they dont have sex on her bed, just on the couch. So we know its happening, and she doesnt care if we know, neither does he.

I think after talking to my mom a bit more we're thinking that keeping her crowded is the way to go. If someone is with her at all times when she isn't at school it won't be a problem. My mom can take her to school, pick her up for lunch, and bring her home. Dad and her can continue to go out on the weekends, etc. This kid will not be allowed to see anymore though. The school says he isn't attending classes, but they have to call the police on him because him and his friends come to the campus and harass the other students. He's bad news plain and simple. If he was the run of the mill loose I might be able to agree with teh lte her get burned attitude, but I think at this point her safety and that of the family comes into play and the person causing the risk must be eliminated. Its rough and she's going to be unhappy with the decision, but we think for her safety it has to be done. We fully expect that he will be in the house again, but they are also ready to have him arrested.

Any more comments or advice?

Btw: everyones suggestions so far have been great and are truly appreciated, you've gotten us thinking where we were very very stumped before.

 

[SmiZ]

Pretty much what I would do. Be careful not to turn him into a martyr and make your sister think he's a victim of society. I've seen cases where girls think it's &quot;so sad that the boy they love is being beaten down by the system.&quot; You'll hear lines like &quot;I'm the only one who understands him&quot; and others, but I think you're making the right decision. The #1 priority is to ensure the saftey of your family and in my opinnion, that means getting him out of the picture.

 

[BigSmooth]

Soybomb, I hope things work out for your family... as you can see from this thread, this is a complicated subject.

On a side note, it's threads like these - ones with civil, intelligent debate with many thought-provoking posts - which make me disagree with all the &quot;AT is boring and going to hell in a handbasket&quot; threads.

 

[toph99]

i just hope it works out for you and your family soy

 

[SmiZ]

Good call on the sidenote smoothie!!

 

[LadyNiniane]

Remind your Mom about a doctor's visit for your sister - or just copy my earlier reply and send it to her, if you're uncomfortable about discussing that sort of thing one-on-one with your Mom.

Trust me on this one; your sister needs to see that doctor ASAP, especially with the kind of history you've just related. All STDs are treatable, many are curable, and quite a few show no external symptoms in the female of the species.

I still agree with FettsBabe on one thing - talk to your sister and listen to her responses! If your parents aren't getting through, you can try, maybe with side conversations (How's school? Are the teachers really bad this year? Do you like/dislike a particular class? etc., etc.) until she realizes that you are interested in what's going on in her life. Help her find other things to do and be.

Lady Niniane

 

[ltk007]

Damn, to be blunt, your sister is definately f*cked up. She's sleeping with high school drop out gang members at 15? What she does now will probably have a big impact on the rest of her life, and the way she's screwing things up now its not gonna help. Strict doesn't seem good enough, an all girls boarding school is a much better solution . I'd get her away from the guy whatever way I could.

 

[ignorus]

You might also want to get her a blood test to make sure that she hasn't contracted any diseases from him (he is probably seeing some other girls on the side, as well as possibly using needles for drugs). Also on the side you can see if she is doing any drugs herself (but don't tell her that, just say you wan't to test her for diseases). Might be invading her privacy, but it seems like she lacks the male role model in her life and is seeking it elsewhere (in bad places).

Check to see if it is illegal in your state (in california, I think there is like a 3 year buffer for the legal age of conscent).

 

[Stealth1024]

Telling a kid one thing makes them want to do the opposite. Unless you do it in a way that doesn't make it sound like you are ordering them around.

 

[Soybomb]

LadyNiniane that is already planned, we just have to wait a few days for the appointment due to certain monthly occurences.

Evan, I agree, we have some serious problems there. If there was such a thing as an all girls school in our area, it might be considered. We're hoping that if we can get her away from him about the &quot;boys&quot; might leave her system. Then again once you've had sex you usually dont stop......

I appreciate everyones help and support on this one. I'm going to try and talk to her a little bit myself now. If anyone has anything to add feel free to toss it in!

 

[Soybomb]

doh

 

[FettsBabe]

That monthly occurence shouldn't hinder an exam. However, most people don't go during that time.

I will think of your sis. Let us know how it turns out. I hope your talk with her is successful.

 

[LadyNiniane]

FettsBabe is correct, on both counts.

Good luck. Keep listening to her, even while the hard things are happening. Let her know that others care, as well.

Lady Niniane

 

[random]

Just as a late add to this thread, my opinion follows a lot of what Lady Niniane said, so I wont' repeat it here. I'd push for reduction of privaleges, definitely, prevent the driver's license/permit, etc.

Good luck.

 

[visgf]

I'm glad to see that your family is taking the approach that you are. It is rather limiting at first, but I'm sure that you will all become a much closer family as a result. Not many kids nowadays get this much quality time with parents/siblings, and maybe all of your morals and ideologies will rub off on her. Just don't constantly remind her why you are spending the time with her, she may resent it (she definately will in the beginning, so the reminder is like salt in the wound). Just make it seem like she's spending a fun afternoon with her brother. You seem to have your head on straight, so I'm guessing that you have some pretty descent friends. Maybe if she hangs out with you and your friends, she'll see what it's like to be out of trouble and still have fun.

 

[urameatball]

I haven't read all the replies yet (only read the first 20 or so) but here's what I think.

in your situation, there's a few possibilities:
you tell her NO, she'll keep doing it
you tell her YES, she'll keep doing it
you tell her she can't leave the house without further notice, she'll keep doing it.

so basically, its not a matter of what you tell her to do!!!

I think its a matter of what you could do to impose an impact on HER decision (not your decision).
So I would suggest that you be TOTALLY supportive of what she thinks... and if she asks if mr.badboy could join in the family dinner, you can still say no, but give her a reason supporting your judgement. Something as simple as &quot;we heard bad things about him and don't think its the right time for us to meet him YET.&quot; Something that would show that you love your daughter (or was it sister) and want to respect her decisions, but also expressing how you feel the mr.badboy isn't the right type of person. This way, she would gain confidence in family decisions and may actually start sharing what she REALLY feels without fearing that her family will get angry at her lifestyle decisions[and you won't be angry if she shares her feelings *hint* (cuz you're not part of the family anymore, you're the friend who always wants to see her happy *double hint*)]. Anyway, just be as supportive of her decisions as possible by giving her detailed explainations about why you would agree or disagree about her choices.

basically, what I'm saying is a person you dispise can NEVER influence your decision about ANYTHING.
But a person that SHOWS care and a person who is supportive will ALWAYS get a say.

so show care and be supportive, and stay away from being the antagonist, it'll take you further than you think!

PS, these things don't have a 1 step solution, it takes time and LOTS of patience. Those blunt &quot;NO&quot; words get you nowhere in these situations. Hope this helps

 

[Angrymarshmello]

I'd let her do whatever she wants. Just let her make a decision as to what to do. I hate having my parents and others tell me what to do, it just makes me not want to do it even more. She should be old enough at this age to realize that this guy is bad news. You can warn him and her, but you'll just be making it worse by saying she can't ever see him again or whatever.

 

[unxpurg8d]

Y'all could always take the &quot;kill him with kindness&quot; approach. Invite the kid to dinners frequently and no matter HOW much of a jerk he is be patient, kind, and pay attention to him. Make him cookies. Actually involve him in conversations. Take the pair of them on family outings. Volunteer at a nursing home and drag 'em along with you. It'll take a lot of time and tongue-biting, but after awhile one of two things will probably happen. He'll get so sick of you people that he dumps her for some chick with no family, or he'll come to respect you and while she's willing to treat you badly HE won't be willing to. There's also the chance that she'll come to see him in a different light interacting with other people, and not like the person he is. It's one thing to date a &quot;bad boy&quot; in private, but being embarrassed by him in public and knowing that people think he's a jerk and you're a jerk for dating him is a whole different thing.

 

[Muadib]

If the guy wasn't in a gang, I'd agree with unxpurg8d. However your mom already has safety concerns, so my advice would be to watch her as much as possible. Sadly it sounds like the job would be 75% up to your mom and I don't know how realestic this would be. Is her moving in with you &amp; your dad out of the question?

 

[random]

RagingBitch: I hate to tell you this, as I'm sure you won't like it, but I'd
like to humbly submit that a 15 year old is NOT old enough to be making an
informed, rational decision. Even adult women are blinded to the faults of
their boyfriends, may they be in jail, cheaters, philanderers, and liars. And
they thought the same thing about their sweet, boyfriend. Her disobedience of
her parental rules shows her lack of responsability. Even if she disagreed
with teh rule, it should have been followed or discussed with the family. This
only demonstrates her lack of good judgement.

&quot;Love&quot; has such a blinding affect on people, men and women, young and old.
Everyone needs someone, a wiser adult and friend who is more removed and less
emotionally involved to advise and intervene.

Just an FYI, but I'm a 19-year old male. As a guy, I've seen a lot of the
terrible things that guys will do to get what they want. I'm curious, how
old (or young) are you?

 

[Yeeny]

As another teen who did not listen to her mother, the more they tell your sister no, the harder she will try to see him. FettsBabe is right on with this one. By banning her from him, you are making it more exciting and dangerous to her, and increasing her need for him. unxpurg8d has a great idea with befriending him. My mom did to my boyfriend of the time, and it was not long until I decided to dump him. You get more flies with honey then vinegar... Good luck, and remember, most likely in a year or two this will all be over.

Damn, to be blunt, your sister is definately f*cked up. She's sleeping with high school drop out gang members at 15?

Sometimes when your young, and you feel like nobody is paying attention to you, you will jump on the chance to feel needed. Maybe she has needs that nobody understands, due to lack of communication. It does not mean she is a bad kid, just a lost one.

 

[eakers]

<< Sometimes when your young, and you feel like nobody is paying attention to you, you will jump on the chance to feel needed >>



way to hit the nail on the head.

she feels loved by this guy and i dunno about you but sleeping next to someone that i love is probabley the best feeling in the world. there is no way she will not see him if they say so.

perhaps it is the absence of a father figure in her life that causes her need to feel accepted adn loved by men, even if she has to do it via sex?
but i dont know her family situation so im not really at liberty to say.

maybe she should get some councelling.

*kat. <-- is a kid in love.

 

[Stark]

Wow, tough situation.

Lady Niniane has most of the bases covered.

I'd add that your trampy sister and her boyfriend have shown no respect for your parents, your family, or her home. Either your mom should kick her butt out (turning her over to the state), or just invite the loser to move in. I don't see much middle ground.