"I'd like to add the "criminal" label to my children.
"I would like very much to be responsible for paying for their bond, legal fees, and for court ordered pysch evaluations and mandated treatment. I would also like for them never to be able to get a good job, and to have to explain for the rest of their lives, their criminal history. I never want them to be able to own a gun, join the military, or be eligible for jobs in certain high paying fields regardless of their future deeds or education. I would also like them to forever resent me for fail at my parental obligations to protect them."
Yeah, Superdad!