Parent dating someone you don't like...

[thirdeye]

Best of luck. Problem is more often than not, if you try to step in, you'll end up being the "bad guy". It may not be for forever and your mom will (hopefully) realize her mistake. Until she does though, nothing will help.

You can't help those who won't help themselves.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: LolaWiz
My brother and i have our own lives and want nothing more than happiness for her.
She has not moved on. She has always told him her kids come first, and now that we are grown, i think she is realizing that she needs to face the situation at hand. There is no where she can hide from it with my brother or myself.

If i am coming off as the whiny little girl that is jeleous my mommy is not paying attention to me, i am sorry. I certainly did not mean to seem that way at all. I am genuinely worried about her and her physical and mental being.

Well I was just bringing up the "one side" aspect. Wanting to protect her from herself is a defense mechanism that has somehow been triggered in both siblings.

That tells me there was more to the divorce than meets the eye. Cheating or disrespectful dad come to mind.

If you and your brother both feel it is objectively not good for mom OBJECTIVELY then some intervention may help. Ultimately it's her life though.

For a personal example, after Mom died Dad immediately hooked up with one of her friends and they spend a ton of time together, traveling, etc. People ask me if that bothers me. Not really, as long as he's happy and has a companion. I personally can't stand the lady, but I play pleasant out of respect for my father.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Originally posted by: LolaWiz

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
I think you need to talk to the BF and tell him how you feel. Maybe he isn't even aware that he's doing these things. At least you'll feel better that you got it off your chest so to speak.

the most upsetting thing is that he KNOWS he is doing these things and doing them to tick her/me/brother off.

For instance, they rode on his harley from MI to Sturgis the back this past summer. On the way back, she was getting heat stroke from riding and the heat. She asked if they could cut the last 600 miles into two days (300 miles each day) because she was getting so sick. He wanted to drive all the way back because he did not want to pay for another hotel room. She begged and pleaded so he finally gave in, but to tick her off even more, he drove way below the speed limit to take longer. Finally, as she was getting sick, she made him pull over. she started to cry because she was so tired, sick, hot and upset at the way he was treating her. So, seeing her like that, he started laughing in her face.
things like that he does just to get his way, or if he cannot, to make people pay for not following what HE wants.

Wow, what the hell does she see in this guy?

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: LolaWiz
My brother and i have our own lives and want nothing more than happiness for her.
She has not moved on. She has always told him her kids come first, and now that we are grown, i think she is realizing that she needs to face the situation at hand. There is no where she can hide from it with my brother or myself.

If i am coming off as the whiny little girl that is jeleous my mommy is not paying attention to me, i am sorry. I certainly did not mean to seem that way at all. I am genuinely worried about her and her physical and mental being.

Well I was just bringing up the "one side" aspect. Wanting to protect her from herself is a defense mechanism that has somehow been triggered in both siblings.

That tells me there was more to the divorce than meets the eye. Cheating or disrespectful dad come to mind.

If you and your brother both feel it is objectively not good for mom OBJECTIVELY then some intervention may help. Ultimately it's her life though.

For a personal example, after Mom died Dad immediately hooked up with one of her friends and they spend a ton of time together, traveling, etc. People ask me if that bothers me. Not really, as long as he's happy and has a companion. I personally can't stand the lady, but I play pleasant out of respect for my father.

my dad was not the one to want the divorce. He was always very faithful to her and she was the one that wanted to end the marriage. He could do nothing more but say "ok". It is sad, but the main reason they got a divorvce was because of some very deep money issues. not because one spouse was unfaithful to another. my dad adored my mom and still talks about her from time to time asking if she is ok and how she is doing in the sad situation. He has since married and moved on with his life, but he and her still have a very good realtionship for being divorced.

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus

Originally posted by: LolaWiz

Originally posted by: JulesMaximus
I think you need to talk to the BF and tell him how you feel. Maybe he isn't even aware that he's doing these things. At least you'll feel better that you got it off your chest so to speak.

the most upsetting thing is that he KNOWS he is doing these things and doing them to tick her/me/brother off.

For instance, they rode on his harley from MI to Sturgis the back this past summer. On the way back, she was getting heat stroke from riding and the heat. She asked if they could cut the last 600 miles into two days (300 miles each day) because she was getting so sick. He wanted to drive all the way back because he did not want to pay for another hotel room. She begged and pleaded so he finally gave in, but to tick her off even more, he drove way below the speed limit to take longer. Finally, as she was getting sick, she made him pull over. she started to cry because she was so tired, sick, hot and upset at the way he was treating her. So, seeing her like that, he started laughing in her face.
things like that he does just to get his way, or if he cannot, to make people pay for not following what HE wants.

Wow, what the hell does she see in this guy?

i wish i knew. i wish she knew. I have asked her that and she can never tell me a good answer or reason. I have asked her why she is still with him and she does not know. she had been very independent many many years before getting together with him seriously and all of a sudden... she changed.
Like i said, the BF gave her a diamond ring, but never officially asked her to marry him. He never talks about getting married, never talks about setting a date. I often wonder if he just gave that to her to make her think he wanted to marry her.

 

[spidey07]

Originally posted by: LolaWiz
my dad was not the one to want the divorce. He was always very faithful to her and she was the one that wanted to end the marriage. He could do nothing more but say "ok". It is sad, but the main reason they got a divorvce was because of some very deep money issues. not because one spouse was unfaithful to another. my dad adored my mom and still talks about her from time to time asking if she is ok and how she is doing in the sad situation. He has since married and moved on with his life, but he and her still have a very good realtionship for being divorced.

So mom shacking up with this guy for financial reasons? They "bought" a house together so maybe that's the angle being played. Financial security.

 

[Lola]

Originally posted by: spidey07

Originally posted by: LolaWiz
my dad was not the one to want the divorce. He was always very faithful to her and she was the one that wanted to end the marriage. He could do nothing more but say "ok". It is sad, but the main reason they got a divorvce was because of some very deep money issues. not because one spouse was unfaithful to another. my dad adored my mom and still talks about her from time to time asking if she is ok and how she is doing in the sad situation. He has since married and moved on with his life, but he and her still have a very good realtionship for being divorced.

So mom shacking up with this guy for financial reasons? They "bought" a house together so maybe that's the angle being played. Financial security.

i do not feel that is why. she owned her own condo, then home many years before they decided to move in to a place that was "both of them" and not just her house.
She is successful and was successful on her own before. She never needed a man. She enjoyed being with someone as most do, but it is not for financial reasons. it is sad that the housing market here in MI is so bad, because i think if she could she would try to sell the house so she could get her money back and move out.

 

[cessna152]

Maybe you have to be harsh and make her choose. Family or him.

But, I'm young and stupid. I've got no experience in anything like this. Thats just my gut reaction.

Good luck to you.