Parent Advice: what's the best way to say "I'm moving out" to your single parent? (UPDATE: she knows)

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NikPreviousAcct

No Lifer
Aug 15, 2000
52,763
1
0
I'm going to be moving out with a friend of mine. He's getting a job in construction making $18/hr, and I have a job in tech support -ain't gonna tell ya what I make, but it's in the double digits. I'm turning 21 June 29th.

My mom is quite... *ahem* ...different. She's a seasonal depressant. Nothing else has been clinically diagnosed because she's not been tested or anything, but "chemical imbalance" rolls right off my tongue fairly easily.

Anyway, I don't want to hurt her feelings ("HAHA, BITCH, I'M OUTTA HERE!")
I don't want to come across like I'm asking permission ("I uh... well, y'see... um..")
I'm not on bad terms with my mom, and I want to be able to move back in if one of us loses our jobs and we have to move back in somewhere (that is, after I've hit up absolutely everyone else I know asking if they want company :))
I'd like to stay on the semi-decent terms that I'm on now.
Moving out away from someone who's so emotionally dependant on me is already going to be hard and I want to make it as easy as possible to tell her.

I don't have the slightest clue as to how to go about this... :(
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,
Nik

<edit>
check the end of the thread for an update
 
K

Kenny0829

Golden Member
Nov 5, 2000
1,154
1
0
Ask her , when is she comming over to see your new place?
When she says , WHAT ?
Just casually say, Oh didn't I mention, I've got my own place, and I'm moving out.
 
apoppin

apoppin

Lifer
Mar 9, 2000
34,890
1
0
alienbabeltech.com
Tell her you need to be on your own.

Reassure her that you are not cutting her off and that you still love her as your mom (after all, no doubt you will be back to do your laundry there) :)
 
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NikPreviousAcct

No Lifer
Aug 15, 2000
52,763
1
0


<< Ask her , when is she comming over to see your new place?
When she says , WHAT ?
Just casually say, Oh didn't I mention, I've got my own place, and I'm moving out. >>

Hmm... I would prefer to sit her down or something and talk to her. But that's not a bad idea either. Any other ideas?

nik
 
N

NikPreviousAcct

No Lifer
Aug 15, 2000
52,763
1
0


<< Tell her you need to be on your own.

Reassure her that you are not cutting her off and that you still love her as your mom (after all, no doubt you will be back to do your laundry there) :) >>

Haha - not if I can help it. I do love her, but there's no way I'm coming back here after I leave unless I have to.

nik
 
Kadarin

Kadarin

Lifer
Nov 23, 2001
44,296
16
81
"Mom, I'm going to be moving out on <x> date.." Present it in a clear and simple manner, and try not to get emotionally tangled up in that conversation. If she starts to act like it's the end of the world, remain calm.
 
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rgwalt

Diamond Member
Apr 22, 2000
7,393
0
0
How old are you? This is important. If you are of an age where it is appropriate to move out of the house (18+ and out of high school) then you need to put your foot down. Tell your mom that you are moving out with a friend to start experiencing life on your own. You need to tell her that you feel that you need to take responsibility for yourself, and the only way you can do that is by moving out of the house. Hopefully she'll take this well, however, there is really no way she can stop you from leaving. The worse she could (legally) do is demand that you leave all your stuff behind that she bought for you, which would really suck, but you could make it. Be sure to put cash away in savings so that you can live off of it in the event you lose your job and you can't move back in with your mom.

Good luck friend.

Ryan
 
apoppin

apoppin

Lifer
Mar 9, 2000
34,890
1
0
alienbabeltech.com
Well, my point was to reassure her that you still love her AND you need to be on your own and you are moving out.

Then listen to her response (there might be an emotional outburst but listen to the deeper meaning) and go from there.

She is your mom and you should know best how to deal with her. (good luck)
 
N

NikPreviousAcct

No Lifer
Aug 15, 2000
52,763
1
0
I'm turning 21 on June 29th. I'll be saving like Uncle Scrooge, too, with my new job (that is, AFTER I buy a damn decent office chair!).

nik
 
V

Viper GTS

Lifer
Oct 13, 1999
38,107
433
136
Have you considered whether or not you will actually be able to lease an apartment?

If neither of you have rental history, & both of you have a short employment history...

Leasing could be tough.

If you pull it off, however, make it clear that you're telling her - not asking - what you're doing. You're an adult, you're making a decision, & she has to be OK with that. She's got to be at some point.

My biggest advice?

Don't kick over the hornet's nest until you're approved for the lease, & ready to go.

Until then keep quiet. No sense raising hell if it won't happen anyway.

Viper GTS
 
MichaelD

MichaelD

Lifer
Jan 16, 2001
31,528
3
76


<< My biggest advice?

Don't kick over the hornet's nest until you're approved for the lease, & ready to go.

Until then keep quiet. No sense raising hell if it won't happen anyway.

Viper GTS >>



Damn, ViperGTS and I think alike...scary stuff. Nik, I was going to say the same thing. I know that you don't want to hurt your Mom's feelings, and that is very important. However, what is more important is not pulling the alarm if there is no fire. Get the lease, with your name on it, FIRST. Then tell your Mom you are moving out.


One thing that nobody has mentioned yet, and I'm not trying to be nosy by asking, but: Do you assist your Mom financially with the house/apartment? The reason I mention this is b/c if you do, and she counts on your money (whatever you pay, if any) per month, you moving out could put her in a bad position.

I was on the receiving end of this problem several years ago when I shared a house w/two other guys. One guy just moved out one weekend w/o telling the other two guys, then a month later, the other roommate moved out with about two days notice to me. I was screwed, financially. Those were the "Ramen Noodles for a Month" days.

Just a thought. Just be firm, yet compassionate and reassure her that you still love her but it's time you got your own place. Who knows? Maybe she'll just pack your stuff and carry it out to the car for you...really quickly. ;) Good luck.
 
A

aimn

Banned
Feb 14, 2001
683
0
0
Just be honest? I have found you cant go wrong with honesty. She will have to deal with it.......and she will.
 
rudder

rudder

Lifer
Nov 9, 2000
19,441
86
91
your just a wussy. Move out already. Depression??? thats just asn excuse. Its her own fault for being dependent on you. WTF... chemical imbalance? Ohh double digits, your the man.




Crap, now I sound like ffmcobalt.
 
V

Viper GTS

Lifer
Oct 13, 1999
38,107
433
136


<< your just a wussy. Move out already. Depression??? thats just asn excuse. Its her own fault for being dependent on you. WTF... chemical imbalance? Ohh double digits, your the man.




Crap, now I sound like ffmcobalt. >>



You obviously don't know his mother.

Believe me, his leaving WILL cause a maelstrom.

And MichaelD does have a point, how much do you contribute financially? As a single parent she may not have a way to regain that income.

Viper GTS
 
N

NikPreviousAcct

No Lifer
Aug 15, 2000
52,763
1
0
She was getting $140/month from me, but now she's only getting $100. She wanted to charge me $300 and I told her that I would find my own place right then and there (even though I couldn't afford it) if she was going to charge me that much to live at home. But, now that I have a full time job and am making more, she's already hit me up for more per month.

Now may not be the best time for her, but I simply cannot stay. Things have gone downhill and it's too much to handle. She's also taken a $200/month cut in pay at her work per her work screwing her over. She's looking for a new job, but she'll still be low every month.

And, honestly, she complains about bills and such but she does things like buy shoes every other week and such, so I really don't have any sympathy for it much.

rudder,
Since I don't even know you and you're already pissed at me for something that doesn't even effect you, kindly take your sh!ttalk elsewhere. I'm completely serious on this. I don't need people like you throwing havoc into something I'm already uneasy about. Thanks.

nik
 
FoBoT

FoBoT

No Lifer
Apr 30, 2001
63,084
14
81
fobot.com


<< "Mom, I'm going to be moving out on <x> date.." Present it in a clear and simple manner, and try not to get emotionally tangled up in that conversation. If she starts to act like it's the end of the world, remain calm. >>



yippers, the direct approach on this one
 
V

Viper GTS

Lifer
Oct 13, 1999
38,107
433
136


<< my mom is the one who suggested my girlfriend and i move in together. >>



My mom tried to tell me that she "wouldn't want" TheBlondOne staying with me when she was here if I moved out (which I did two months ago). I laughed at her.

:D



<< She was getting $140/month from me, but now she's only getting $100. She wanted to charge me $300 and I told her that I would find my own place right then and there (even though I couldn't afford it) if she was going to charge me that much to live at home. But, now that I have a full time job and am making more, she's already hit me up for more per month.

Now may not be the best time for her, but I simply cannot stay. Things have gone downhill and it's too much to handle. She's also taken a $200/month cut in pay at her work per her work screwing her over. She's looking for a new job, but she'll still be low every month.

And, honestly, she complains about bills and such but she does things like buy shoes every other week and such, so I really don't have any sympathy for it much. >>



You need to tread lightly on this one. Now may not be the best time. She has a lot more to lose than you do (you're simply annoyed by her, she stands to lose her house).

Be careful.

Viper GTS
 
N

NikPreviousAcct

No Lifer
Aug 15, 2000
52,763
1
0
Okay, looks like I'll be waiting to tell her once we get the lease. I've got excellent credit (better than my mom's), and we're both 18+ so we won't need a cosigner on the app.

nik
 
amdskip

amdskip

Lifer
Jan 6, 2001
22,530
13
81
Your mom could have problems after this, you may want to try to get one of her friends to suggest she get some medical treatment. No one is perfect and you can not help this. She may turn over a new leaf with some medication and treatment and maybe your relationship would be better than ever especially because you would have to make an effort to see her.
 
N

NikPreviousAcct

No Lifer
Aug 15, 2000
52,763
1
0
Well, it won't be for a month or two when he has a job and has half of the first/last rent + security deposit. Also, I'll have enough saved up. It's not going to be right away.

nik
 
rudder

rudder

Lifer
Nov 9, 2000
19,441
86
91
rudder,
Since I don't even know you and you're already pissed at me for something that doesn't even effect you, kindly take your sh!ttalk elsewhere. I'm completely serious on this. I don't need people like you throwing havoc into something I'm already uneasy about. Thanks

thats cool. Just remember when other people post some about some serious crap that you refrain from being a dumbass in their thread. Mission accomplished.
 
V

Viper GTS

Lifer
Oct 13, 1999
38,107
433
136


<< Okay, looks like I'll be waiting to tell her once we get the lease. I've got excellent credit (better than my mom's), and we're both 18+ so we won't need a cosigner on the app. >>



Credit isn't the only thing that matters, they'll be asking for previous rental history, lenth of employment, etc.

Two young people on new jobs may have more trouble than you think.

Viper GTS
 
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