Paramedics attend a nasty accident involving a sports car.

[shortylickens]

They see the driver screaming in pain and shout "Calm down sir, at least you haven't been flung out thru the windscreen like your girlfriend" The driver screams back "Have you seen what's in her mouth?"
--

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives. The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened!?" The pilot's reply "I don't know... I just got here myself!"
--

I spent some time by the wife's grave today. She doesn't know... she thinks I'm digging a pond.
--

Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane... He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore between her legs with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching. "Awww shit!" he murmurs, "Fuzz!" "What did ya expect?" Phoebe says, "A perm?"
--

I braked as hard as I could but still hit the car in front of me. A gorgeous blonde gets out and yells at me "Ram me up the arse why don't you?" This, Your Honour, is where I believe all the confusion began..."

 

[SSUSeaWolf]

You're dumb

 

[Farang]

I just flew in from Reno, boy are my arms tired!

Take my wife, please!

 

[shortylickens]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter." Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family... you've got to send me back straight away." St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This aint so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never!" replies Dave."Well just relax and let it happen"

So he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave! Wake up you drunken bastard! You've shit the bed!!"

 

[schneiderguy]

:hmm:

 

[HamburgerBoy]

I don't get 2 or 3.

 

[MooMooCow]

I don't get 2 or 3.

Fuzz is nickname for the police. Not too sure about the test pilot one though.

 

[HamburgerBoy]

Fuzz is nickname for the police. Not too sure about the test pilot one though.

That's 4. The test pilot and grave ones must go over my prudish mind.

 

[MooMooCow]

That's 4. The test pilot and grave ones must go over my prudish mind.

Opps, I fail at counting. I think the wife one refers to the fact his former wife is buried in his backyard and his current wife/SO doesn't know about it?

 

[GasX]

Opps, I fail at counting. I think the wife one refers to the fact his former wife is buried in his backyard and his current wife/SO doesn't know about it?

he hasn't killed her yet, dummy

 

[shortylickens]

he hasn't killed her yet, dummy

I just realized Allisolm may be banning me soon.

 

[HamburgerBoy]

he hasn't killed her yet, dummy

:self-directed facepalm:

I read "wife's grave" and assumed she was dead, and that her thoughts were her watching him (from heaven) fill her hole in the ground with fluid. But that didn't make sense.

 

[cKGunslinger]

That's 4. The test pilot and grave ones must go over my prudish mind.

He's digging a hole to bury his wife.. whom he's going to kill. :hmm:

 

[Brigandier]

:self-directed facepalm:

I read "wife's grave" and assumed she was dead, and that her thoughts were her watching him (from heaven) fill her hole in the ground with fluid. But that didn't make sense.

And jokes get funnier.

 

[cKGunslinger]

I just realized Allisolm may be banning me soon.

:awe:

 

[shortylickens]

For reference these jokes came from an Australian website (which I am forbidden to name here) so they may require common cultural knowledge or something.

 

[Kirby]

I just realized Allisolm may be banning me soon.

Violence against women will not be tolerated!

 

[DominionSeraph]

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?
Dr. Dre.'

What do you call a black man flying a plane?
A pilot you racist.

 

[Ika]

I also do not get #2.

 

[JulesMaximus]

Welcome to the worst jokes ever thread...

 

[AyashiKaibutsu]

Two guys walk into a bar... The third guy ducks.

 

[PlasmaBomb]

For reference these jokes came from an Australian website (which I am forbidden to name here) so they may require common cultural knowledge or something.

Banned Australian website?