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OT: Advice from kids :-)

TAandy

TAandy

Diamond Member
Just read this on the PRO Network site;

Advice from Kids:


"Never trust a dog to watch your food." Patrick, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer." Hannah, 9

"Never tell your Mom her diet's not working." Michael, 14

"Stay away from prunes. " Randy, 9

"Never pee on an electric fence." Robert, 13

"Don't squat with your spurs on." Noronha, 13

"Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to." Emily, 10

"When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair." Taylia,11

"Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment." Traci, 14

"Don't sneeze in front of mum when you're eating crackers." Mitchell,12

"Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac." Andrew, 9

"Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time." Kyoyo, 9

"You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk." Armir, 9

"Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts." Kellie, 11

"If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse." Naomi, 15

"Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick." Lauren, 9

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." Joel,10

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your Mom when she's on the phone." Alyesha, 13

"Never try to baptize a cat." Eileen, 8

LMAO 😀 😀
 
Here's some Airforce stuff;

Air Force Maintenance Logs



Totally off the record... Never let it be said that Air Force ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by Air Force pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

(P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.


Taken from Totally Off the Record site:

http://www.totallyofftherecord.com/story/

And finally, some more kids;

"Out of the Mouths of Babes"...


A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
"Dead." She was informed.
"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."


A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"


One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."...A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:..."The big sissy."


It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."


When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy" "I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"


A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


 
A selection of choice writings taken from medical (and nursing!) notes!

-By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

-Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

-On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

-She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

-The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

-I will be happy to go into her GI system, she seems ready and anxious.

-Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

-I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

-The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

-Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

-The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Ward to dispose of him.

-Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

-The patient refused an autopsy.

-The patient has no past history of suicides.

-The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

-Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

-Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

-The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

-She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

-The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

-The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

-The patient is disabled with a wife from Portsmouth

-Uterus remains in place resting comfortably (after prolapse repair)

-Diagnosis: Claus-trophobia

-Comes to ED complaining of vaginal breathing.

-Patient arrived by avalanche

-Odor of alcohol on breast

-Patient stable all morning, in asystole

-Road Traffic Accident, back seat driver

-The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

-The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

-Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

-The skin was moist and dry.

-Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

-The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

-She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

-Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

-The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

-I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

-The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

-Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

-Patient was alert and unresponsive.

-When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

-The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

-Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

-Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

-She is numb from her toes down.

-Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

-While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

-The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

-The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

-Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
 
ROFLMHO! 😀

Some of those medical ones were great too!

-Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
Click to expand...
Dang, that must have been one painful exam, considering the thyroid is up around the throat! :Q

-She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Click to expand...
😀

How do you spell relief? 😀
 
I still think this is one of the best 😀

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.


Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a
collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a
collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR
course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET, WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
 
"Advertising signs"...


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."...
 
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